over lunch

Shawie, like me is into Radiology. She started her residency training a couple of months ago at Polymedic.

cravings

just thinking how the new lipstick would look on me

ruffa mae pratts

this was the girl who was dragging me to come see rico yan in his wake when we were still interns

house

si britney o si tina o si fe. disclaimer: i'm no britney fan. i just happen to love making a mock of her songs during videoke hence these people tagged me as such ever since i sang the first britney song "hit me baby one more time", a song for masochists.

larry tulog

larry, the "christian bautista" sound alike who has peculiar dance steps during videokes that could get you laughing til your tummies ache. he recently switched specialties from surgery to im.

tinkerbell

tina the voice. bakal queen. one of the most thoughtful friends you can have.

san na yung dimple?

doc aries, our 1st year surgery resident when we were interns now one of the seniors. magaling na daw manoxic. famous for his dimples which which aren't seen on this pic. hataw din sa videoke.

mama

nobody messes with her. not unless you want her to turn you into a frog. our mama in our fantasyland. you'll know when she's mad, you'll go deaf from her curses.

isnow

our snow white. whenever we wanted to ask some guy a favor, we tell him he could date snow in exchange. of course snow doesn't like that so we secretly do it instead. talk about evil friends with bugaw powers.

ruffa mae

one of the most humble people you'll ever know. no trace of arrogance from this heiress to one of the hospitals in dagupan. actually, she owns half of that city. kidding.

shangrila

mirror mirror on the wall who's the vainest of them all

Just For Laughs

Chinese man:Me no come work, me sick.
Boss: When I'm sick,I have sex with my wife, try it.
2hrs later chinese phones back:It worked!Me better. U got nice house!
-----------
A student in exam starts taking off all his clothes throwing them out of the window.
Teacher: "What are you doing?"
Student: Paper says, "Answer in brief only".
-----------
Employer to applicant: "So why did you leave your previous job?"
Applicant: "The company relocated & they did not tell me where."
(digression: this should have been my answer to my interview lately. haha!)
-----------
A couple was vacationing in a jungle. Suddenly, the husband was attacked by a crocodile. HUSBAND: Quick! Shoot!
WIFE: I cant! I ran out of film!
-----------
A gay donated huge money to church.The pastor said to gay: "in gratitude you can select 3 HYMNS." Quickly,d gay stood up pointd to 3 men & said"him,him, him!"
-----------
Birds of the same feather make a good feather duster;when the cat is away the mouse is alone; don't judge a book just cover it; a family that prays together has only 1 rosary.
-----------
Dear SANTA,Pls send me a BABY BROTHER 4 Christmas.Love,TOMMY.
-Dear TOMMY,You'll surely get ur Xmas gift. Just send me your MOTHER.Love, Santa

SMILE! hehe! it's never good to take your self too seriously. this is the season to be merry after all. To end, i want you all to sing this christmas carol with me...ahem! *clears throat*... "whenever i see girls and boys selling lanterns on the streets, i remember the boy but i don't remember the feeling anymore..." ooopps! :) sorry on that one. woohoo!!! happy holidays everyone! :)

Unfriendly Reminders

these are the popular searches that keep popping out in my friendster network:

1.he's just not that into you
2.filipino men
3.physician salaries
4.nokia 6230
5.compatibility tests
6.new hair styles
7.compatibility horoscope
8.free nokia 7610
9.free ringtones
10.physical therapy jobs

i know, i know, alright! it's nagging me already. sometimes it gets a little creepy that friendster knows you a little too well. at least they stopped associating elaine with boldstars.

Spongecola

Boy, I sooo love the rendition of this band's "crazy for you". Thing with alternative bands singing a love song is that the emotions are raw, it kinda hits you in a different way. I was looking for the link to that song so I could put it on my player on this page, I just couldn't find it. Madonna's original version is a good one but I might end up making my player sound like a jukebox or a videoke machine (I happen to sing that song in every videoke gimik). "Crazy for You" however is not included in Sponge Cola's album "Palabas". Hehe. Bummer. But they do have great original songs like "Lunes" and "Jeepney". Hope I could watch them in one of their gigs soon.

It's My Party And I'll Curse If I Want To

I'm taking the time off from all the miseries that have engulfed me for the past few months. I just finished serving my one month pre-residency in Radiology and now awaiting further instructions. In the meantime I'll be taking a much needed vacation in Manila and seeing my friends again. I've just announced that I'd be arriving next week, to give them time to free their skeds. For the first time in several months, I'm actually excited about something again. It reminds me that I did have a life before I filled my world with gloom. Happiness is indeed a choice. Not always an easy one, though. Sometimes, one needs to exert extra effort to achieve it especially when faced with circumstances that test your resilience against defeat .

It's almost my birthday. I'm praying to have the wisdom and maturity to fight off all these self-defeating attitude. I pray for good health for myself and the people I love. I wish for sharpness of the mind to keep me focused on my work. I wish for peace, both inner and for the world. I wish to have the tenacity to keep me going through the rough times.Lastly, if it's not too much to ask, I wish people would stop taking pity on me just because I have nobody special in my life at this age and that they'd stop pairing me off with the next single guy they know coz honestly, most, if not all of their choices gross me out. God, I'm pissed off when they do that. They can do that to other single girls maybe, but not to me, please. It only adds insult to injury. My shaky self-esteem can't take it well yet. It further ties me down into my already clogged-up pity pot. I handle the situation calmly when inside I'm already screaming while simultaneously cursing them with words I'd rather not say here. They think they're doing you a favor by matching you off even when it's not obviously not welcome. That's the hardest part of being single, people try to fill the spot you reserved for your prince with knights in rusty armors and think you wouldn't notice the difference. Nobody has the right to tell me who and when to love. Luckily, my best buds don't do that to me. They know me too well to try that. Another thing that pisses me off are the guys who assume you're enjoying being paired off with them and that you're an easy prey and will take the bait just because you've been single for too long. Screw them.

Oh. Guess I just blew off steam there. Been keeping it down all this time. But I do hope I get my wishes for my birthday. It's not something too much to ask, is it?

What Dreams May Come

"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal."--Albert Pike

When I ask myself what have I done for others that will have me remembered beyond my grave, I am dumbfounded. I honestly don't know if I have done anything significant to mark my own legacy. I fear that I will be remembered as no more than the pink bag-toting doctor who cannot go out in public without painting her face. Or as the authority to consult as far as aesthetics are concerned. I doubt if people ever see the real me beyond all that is obvious. It's of my own doing, after all. I created an image to mask the imperfections I dread the others to see. An image amusing enough to distract them from knowing the one who suffers from unconquerable fears, a front that builds the walls to protect me from the rest of the world, a wall that repels anyone who dare break into my realm.

I fear being remembered as the selfish one who cared about nothing but her own pain. My selfless contribution to the medical world wouldn't really count. It's my obligation to care. Caring should never be a task. It's a calling I'm trying to run away from but beckons at me again and again. As a doctor, I wouldn't leave this world anything noteworthy beyond the call of my duty.

I fear being thought of as someone who lost hope. I want to be a source of inspiration, not a living example of despair.Touching people's lives is one my my ardent dreams. A simple yet ambitious mission to fulfill. I'm not someone powerful who could make things possible at the snap of her fingers. In my own little ways, I hope I could live that dream. I'd like to see people believing in themselves, move them into becoming the person they were destined to become, save them from drowning into the sea of hopelessness. Too grand a dream, maybe. But if I know I made a difference in someone's life, I'd die happy.

Quotes of the week

A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist.
--Stewart Alsop

Ancient Egyptians believed that upon death they would be asked two questions and their answers would determine whether they could continue their journey in the afterlife. The first question was, "Did you bring joy?" The second was, "Did you find joy?"
--Leo Buscaglia

We must laugh before we are happy, for fear of dying without having laughed at all.
-- Jean de la Bruyere

Turbulent Thoughts

Of all the foolish things I did in the past, I wonder if this thing I'm doing will bring me burning in hell. It's one thing to kill and another thing to allow yourself to get killed, especially when armed with the adequate rifles to save yourself. What you don't know won't hurt you and in turn, knowing too much will scare you to death. Is punishment at hand for those who choose death over life, those who take no action and let nature take its course? It's like watching a bud wilt just before reaching its full blossom and convince oneself that it has served it's purpose in this world.There's only one way to settle this and that can only be achieved when I gather enough guts to face the verdict. For the first time, I wish I can't trust my own judgment.

Renovating Plain Jane

How does this look to you?

Last week I bumped into a hospital senior flaunting his latest acquisition- a new nose. He (yes it's a he) even showed me the sutures due for removal after a week of the surgery. "Oh, those?I thought they were nose hair." His eyebrows arched upwards after I said that. Why, some people do have nose hair sticking out.

He named several people who underwent the same reconstructive procedure. He told me to check them out coz they all look smashingly better now. The surgeon is an alumnus of our school who trained at St. Luke's hence fellow doctors are grabbing the opportunity for a discount. Get this: the fee is too cheap, a hair rebond would be more expensive! From what I saw, I think the job was well done that I didn't notice something was altered in his face. But of course, it hasn't been a week since he underwent surgery. The swelling hasn't subsided yet.

I toyed around the idea of getting one too. Right after talking to him, I started texting my friends for their opinions. Sharon was worried about my allergic rhinitis. Blowing my nose too hard might bring disastrous results. I was more worried about what people would think if they know I underwent a rather drastic improvement. Will they think less of me? Sharon retorted that from a conservative person's point of view , it might matter. But then again, as my friends agree, it would have to be a personal choice. Whatever makes me happy, I should go for it. Other people's opinions shouldn't matter.

After the excitement died down, I looked at the mirror and thought, I'm quite contented with the way I look now. What bugs me these days are the recurring acnes that challenge my skills in using the concealer.My make up artistry could take care of the nose. Another thing, anything can happen that however good the surgeon is, I might end up a botched beauty. Think Madam Auring or Michael Jackson. Now that's scary. Come to think of it, I don't have intentions of becoming a celebrity, or even working as a model at this age, so why the need of a disarmingly pretty face? As if it would score me points to the heart of Orlando Bloom or bring Rico Yan back to life. Thing with having a pretty face is that guys flock around you just because you look good and they could proudly bring you around town, disregarding the soul beneath the eye-candy. Well, I can't really blame them on that aspect. I prefer eye candies to eye sores too. It's just that you are falsely defined based on your physical attributes. Having a bad hair day just once changes their mind about you in an instant. That's how superficial they are. Perhaps letting them see me without make-ups would leave them running back to their mothers.

I don't know. I'm probably just bored enough to entertain thoughts on "self-renovation". We'll see. If I show up looking dashingly gorgeous one day, then I probably have had something done somewhere. The girl with built-in helmet Ai, told me "actually, you don't need a nose job, what you need is a mammoplasty" Darn, if she were anywhere near me, I would have whacked her head right that moment. She wasn't my groupmate in senior clerkhip, I wonder where she learned the art of poking insults. Hmmm..

No Worries, Folks!

My friends have been texting me after they read my blogs. They are alarmed that I might be going through too much of a rough time to push me into major depression. I have been depressed, alright but I bounce back everytime. Just because I wrote a depressing entry doesn't mean I carry it all along. My blogs reflect my unfiltered thoughts as of the moment, in a day or two things could change.

I'm able to focus better now. I'm happy that I'm learning to read x-rays on my own and arrive at the correct diagnosis. I'm getting the hang of things. Radiology is not like IM where my clerkship, internship and moonlighting backgrounds gave me the confidence to manage patients in less than a month of residency training. Radiology is a whole new learning experience. Even if they don't accept me as the new resident for January, I have other plans laid out so I guess I'm doing okay careerwise.

As to the unworthy one eating up my thoughts, no worries on that. In a few years I'll be reading my blogs and laugh at myself for pining over someone who could be gay all along. Shame on me. Such tragedy. But really, a friend's opinion got me thinking.

I'm looking forward to going back to Manila later this month. Sharon noticed I fancy celebrating my birthdays in Manila. It just happens that a lot of things are up near my birthday. I'm fixing my itinerary this early. I'm due for another rebond. Seeing the results of the new milk rebond on Loi thrills me to get mine too. I'm seeing my friends again after a long time. Most of them are based there right now. I only get to have a social life when I go back to Manila. Pathetic. Now the problem is how to squeeze in the family gatherings in between. Maybe all I need is a change of environment to completely detoxify myself. Otherwise, I'm perfectly fine. Trust me. However, your shows of concern are deeply appreciated!