Academy Awards Night

kidding on that. the following are pics taken during the xu batch 2006 grad ball. i was given the privilege to be a part of their special night. more pics to follow. these ones will do for for now. yeah, i know what you're thinking.

I Love You...Goodnight

My phone just beeped. I hurriedly picked it up hoping it was him. Fat chance. It was Alex. Don't get me wrong, I have been blessed to have a great friend like Alex and I don't know what I would've done if she weren't by my side at the time when my world just crumbled. She was the first friend I called the minute the boy I loved walked out of the door and out of my life. I couldn't contain my feelings as I was speaking to Alex over the phone. I could hardly catch my breath. I was crying hysterically over the phone. She was worried like hell as to what happened to me. She wanted to come over and check on me but she had her kid with her at some place where it was difficult to commute. She was among the few who knew about my love story. She was the one who made me realize that I was indeed in love with him. The other friend aware of it was Retchie. She was alarmed by how I sounded over the phone. She told me she was coming over to be with me at the hospital where I was on duty. I needed someone to talk to. A part of me just died. Retchie slept at the wooden chairs that night just to make sure I'd be alright. Alex on the other hand lost touch due to the poor signal in the place she was staying at. Little did I know that she just launched world war III with the one I loved. I didn't mean to make my friends hate him but I understood what they were feeling. When Retchie came over, I instructed her not to be mean to him, that I'd handle the situation.

That night, before going to sleep, he texted me like nothing's changed. He said his I love you, good night line. I didn't know what to feel. I honestly liked the idea that he still loved me. That put me to a sound sleep despite all the hurts I was feeling. At the same time I was confused where I really stood in his life. The next day, we saw each other. We had breakfast before we went to mass. We made that plan a few days back, when we were still together and decided to push through with the plan even after the worst thing happened. I delivered my lines while he sat and listened. He didn't have much to say except he was sorry. The words I wanted to hear from him didn't come out, though..the words that say he wanted me back and didn't mean everything he said the previous night.

During mass, he squeezed my hand so tight before letting it go. It was an agony to be beside him yet missing him already. When he got off the car, he thanked me and pressed my hand again. I held it tight that I never wanted to let it go. I drove away with tears blurring my vision. I had to park briefly at the next corner and let out a good cry. The pain was too much to handle. But then nobody dies of a broken heart. It just bleeds while you go on living. That moment, I didn't see the point of living.

At home, I talked to my good friend Mama Fe and cried over the phone once more before I dozed off to sleep. Upon waking up, I found myself weeping again after realizing that I no longer have him in my life.

Last night he still texted me if I was awake and said his good night. No I love you this time. But I was happy that I was still on his mind. Little things like this make me happy now. I was a beggar for his affection. The next thing he texted was that "I guess I shouldn't be texting you for the meantime so you can forget about me and the pain I caused. I didn't mean to come this far of being hurtful to you. I'm sorry." I disagreed and asked him to take it slow as he weans himself from me. Losing him so quickly would hurt like hell. He never replied after that.

This morning I was checking my phone for like every 30 minutes if he had his good morning messages, the things I looked forward to as I wake up everyday. They never arrived. Tonight I stare at my phone all the time hoping for a miracle. I wonder what he could be doing now. If he still thinks of me at all. I was tempted to let him know how much I still love him but it would only hurt both of us. I miss his I love yous before going to sleep. I miss the thought of having somebody who thinks of me before he tucks himself to bed. His loving words were my lullabies. Now, I have but the silence of the night to put me to sleep.

I sorely miss him. I still don't understand how two people in love with each other can't be together. Maybe love is too complicated beyond my grasp. I just wanted to be happy and happiness for me meant sharing my love with him. For now, the only thing I could think of to ease the pain is that he deserves to be happy. I want his happiness even if it means me not being a part of his life.

Life has too many mysteries that are difficult to understand. I shall take refuge in the thought that God heals.

Tonight, I wish him beautiful dreams.

When Love Hurts

He was a friend I cherished, an adorable, cute, nice guy but not someone I would typically fall for. What I knew was that I liked having him around and missed him when he's nowhere in sight. I was a prankster who made his life miserable by poking jokes at him all the time. He reciprocated and we would end up laughing. He was the sweetest, most thoughtful guy I ever knew. He was there for me when I was struggling against cancer. He made me feel special. He was fascinating. Suddenly, I was entertaining the thought that there was something more than friendship in his mind. He occasionally made a pass on me but I didn't mind them because for me, he was just being a nice friend who was trying to boost my ego. Then I had dreams about him all the time. I woke up one day not knowing what hit me. I told my friend Ai that I think I was starting to like someone but wasn't exactly sure about my feelings. It was complicated. Our age difference, our status at work and most importantly, the rule at the hospital that prohibits a special friendship between our kind. I was trying to fight off my feelings.

One day we were hanging out together when he told me he had a crush on me all along and that he was falling for me. I almost put the car to a screeching brake upon hearing his revelation. I was driving when he made this confession. I didn't know how to react. I was certain that I liked him, but I wasn't sure if that was out of friendship or if it was something more. I tried escaping the moment by making a joke out of it but he persisted and asked what he was to me. Finally, I blurted out, "of course you stand a chance with me". He was overjoyed and couldn't believe I actually said that. I was trying to figure out my feelings for him. He had flaws and I was beginning to find them cute instead of apalling. That was when I knew I had fallen for him. A week after his revelation, we discussed the issues that were possible obstacles to our path. He said he has long accepted me for what I was, even despite my illness. I was swept away. That night, I listened to my heart. He became the prince I had been waiting for all my life. We officially became a couple. He said he could never believe someone as beautiful as me could go for someone like him. I countered him, "you know, I'm the luckier one because you're such a rare gem and you're mine now." Life has been a bed of roses since then. A miracle unfolded right before my eyes. For the first time I knew how it was to be loved back by someone I adored. He made me feel like a princess. I thanked the heavens for giving him to me.

It hasn't been easy. We kept it secret and decided to let it out in the open once he graduates. We were living like fugitives. He admitted he may not be good in handling the relationship. I was his first. I assured him I was willing to help him out with that, to be beside him and grow with him. I wanted to learn from him as much as I wanted him to learn from me. He did things that made me upset. He was too busy with everything that I had to remind him I still existed I was thinking about him all the time. From little things like delayed text replies to the issues on the girl he used to fancy and his friends preferring her over me for him, we had conflicts that we tried to resolve. I admired him even more for listening to my concerns, for accepting his faults and being willing to learn from it.

He would visit while I was on duty and sang for me over the phone when he got home because he knew how lonely it was to go on solo duty in Radiology. I loved him even more for that. There was always his nice smile plastered on his face that tells how in love he was with me. We were so happy together. For some reason, he was always in a hurry to go some place else. He gave me that cute apologetic look that he had to go. He sensed that as much as possible, I wanted to have him around longer but I had no choice but to let him go. It pained him to see that expression on my face everytime he's about to leave. Somehow he always had his hands full of responsiblities, he was always in a rush and he was always too tired. That bothered me. When I'm in love with someone, however tired I may be, when the love of my life wants my presence, I never seem to feel the stress. I am energized by his mere thought. I didn't see that in him.

Days went by, he disclosed that he might be busy as hell in the following days. As much as I wanted to spend time with him, talk to him about how my day went, I stretched my understanding and let things be. But i missed him too much that I couldn't stand it. We were in the same building all the time and I hardly saw him. I was aching to catch even just a glimpse of him. I was practically begging for his time. Just a little time was all I asked. Apparently, it brought out the monster in me. I was texting things that hurted him so much and I was hinting that I wanted a break. Of course I didn't mean it. The reaction I was hoping to get from him was that he'd fight for his love and win me all the more. But this did not happen.

Yesterday, I was excited to see him. I was ready to apologize for being such a bitch. I prepared food for us to share. I was on duty. Then he dropped the bomb. I must have acted possessive and insecure that he couldn't take it any longer. He wanted his way out. He wanted to think things over. He said things happened too fast that he was afraid of hurting me all the more if things went on. He assured me that he still loved me but we needed this break. Our love story was just in its introductory pages and he was already ending it. I asked if he could see me in his future, he replied "probably". I wanted to die. The man who I thought was crazy about me wasn't sure if he still wanted me. I hated myself. I must have been that bad to make him change his mind in a week. He put me up a pedestal. I fell off it, it hurt so bad that I was starting to feel some fractured appendages. From a princess, I have been turned into the lowest form of creature, lower than a fungus.

You'll never know what you got until you lose it. Perhaps I had been a total bitch. Perhaps I'm not someone worth loving. Perhaps he wasn't mature enough to handle a relationship. Perhaps he didn't love me enough to forgive me and give me a second chance. He was firm about wanting a break. I honestly don't understand what went wrong.

I thought he was the one. I thought I finally found someone who would stand by me through all my joys and pains who was willing to accept me for what I am despite my flaws. I thought he was my answered prayer. In the end, He was given to me not to love me but to test by strength even more.

Someday, when the boy I've learned to love finally grows up, I hope he realizes the pain he has caused and doesn't do it to somebody else. No woman deserves such cruelty from a guy who was too nice to be hated yet too selfish to take his love back from a girl who has helplessly fallen for him. An angel just broke my heart. If he only knew how much I've loved him. I'm beginning to miss him too much that it stings.

Maybe I just wasn't meant to be loved. Not in this lifetime.

When will all my sufferings end?

If I believed by Patti Austin.....sigh....

if I believed in paradise
I`d swear I must be there
I`d swear I must be there right now with you
if I believed in miracles
I`d know that one was happening to me
but if I don`t believe in paradise
and miracles aren`t real
then someone tell me what is this I feel
I wanna believe it`s love this time
I wanna believe my heart`s not telling me a lie
but with you I can`t deny
that if I believed in paradise
I`d swear I`m there
if I believed in magic spells
it all would be so clear
a magic spell must have brought you here
if I could see the future
I`d see if you and I were meant to be
but I don`t know any magic
and tomorrow`s just a dream
then something in this fantasy is real
(repeat chorus)
I wanna believe it`s love this time
I wanna believe my heart`s not telling me a lie
I wanna believe it`s love
I wanna believe my heart`s not telling me a lie
but with you I can`t deny
that if I believed in paradise
I`d swear I`m there
I`m there
I`m there
if I believed

My Prince Has Finally Come

12:15 AM, March 4, 2006-- this adorable guy officially became the prince I have been waiting for, all my life. He's definitely worth the wait. Chris, I thank God for you.