Attract Your Life's Desires

Sunday, May 29, 2005

House of Flying Dagger Looks

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MYMP

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Soulful renditions from MYMP. The most unforgettable number that night was their version of Expose's "I'll Never Get Over You..." A song I often ignored and found cornball when played on the radio but was given a fresh twist when Juris sang it so beautifully that I found myself close to tears. Well, her voice knows how to find its way to the raw nerve in her audience and stick the fork in, eliciting major ouch!
..."i know that i oughta find someone new but all i find is myself always thinkin' of you"

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My first nightout after what I've been through. Nobody had to know I was a mutant. My arm cooperated, except for minor mishaps.

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Pips with her sisters

Friday, May 20, 2005

Disarmed and Dangerous

I was on my 4th day of rehab and so far i'm seeing improvements. Still not 100% back to normal but at least i'm witnessing steady progress. No, I'm not a drug junkie though my anorexic-like frame could mistake me for one. My rehab has to do with the physical therapy I'm undergoing to restore the normal function of my left arm. Not drug rehab.

Still havent gone back to work this week. I was hoping things would have been better before Monday but despite my efforts, my arm was still causing havoc everywhere. Still dropping and slapping objects unintentionally. I really wanted to go back to work, not because I'm a workaholic but because I feel I've been gone for too long that somebody might put me in the missing persons list already. The fact that I barely started my residency 4 months ago, I wouldn't want them to think that I've contemplated on quitting again.

This brachial plexopathy was an unforeseen complication of the mastectomy. I thought everything was going to be ok a week after the surgery and I could resume my usual activities after 2 weeks. I never imagined losing function of one of my extremities would be this difficult and would take this long to correct. My rehab doctor noted some of my muscles started showing signs of atrophy. She advised that I undergo an EMG (electromyography) test in Cebu for prognostication. I am counting this is something reversible.

At this time some areas in my left arm are still numb while motor functions of some muscles especially the biceps have been severely affected. I cannot lift anything in the supine position of the arm. It always turns the other way around. When I tried eating a sundae cone using my left hand, yeah you know what happened next.

I'm worried about going back to work in this state. I'm wondering how I'd carry my food tray, my books, my stuffs without causing catastrophe to the people around me. I'm really hoping that I'll be well enough by this weekend. I'm watching the MYMP concert with Pips this Saturday and she doesn't know my arms are still flying at this time. I didn't want her to cancel my ticket if she learns that I'm not perfectly well yet. I wanted to watch this one so badly.

My surgeon wants to have my biopsy slides reviewed when she goes to Manila next month. She thinks my case was an interesting one. No one would suspect it would be ductal papilloma based on clinical presentation. I just hope if they read it otherwise, it wouldn't turn out to be something more morbid. If it does, I really don't know what to do next coz I'm losing strength by now, figuratively and literally speaking. I'm honestly trying to fight my battles as courageously as I can but I don't know how long I can hold it. Really, I hope there would be an end to these soon. Please God, hear me out.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Uncovering Frustrations



Grab a copy now! The one to the left is Cosmo Philippines' May issue while the other one is sold at some parallel universe where people live inside their heads. Take your pick.

Suddenly I'm Jealous

I was checking my emails then I opened one from jobstreet. Not that I'm still looking for a job coz I really love my present work as a radiology resident. I signed up for the jobstreet mailing list right after I passed the physicians' boards and was looking for options. Though I stated that I graduated with a degree in medicine, I wrote my interests. Don't ask what those interests were coz they're far-flung from my present title. But to give you an idea , my job matches mostly consist of vacancies for visual artists, creative writers, copywriters, production assistants, video editors, graphic designers, web editors and the like. Of course there are the medically related jobs open for nurses, medical transcriptionists and company physicians. But the slots that usually catch my eyes are the ones such as these:

Editorial Assistant for Marie Claire Magazine
(National Capital Reg - Ortigas)

Assist in shoots of fashion and beauty editorials.
Write and execute stories assigned to her from time to time.
Act as a stylist in fashion and beauty shoots from time to time.
Assist in conceptualizing for upcoming issues and take part in brainstorming sessions.
Do press work, proofread and do pull-outs.
File and keep track of past issues.

REQUIREMENTS:

Candidates must possess at least a Bachelor's/College Degree preferably in Creative Writing.
At least 1 year of working experience in the related field is required for this position.
Applicants must be female; 21 years old and above.
Applicants must know how to write and should be fashion-conscious.
Applicants must be dynamic, creative and flexible.
Applicants must be willing to work in Ortigas.
Applicants should be Filipino citizens or hold relevant residence status.

Cool. Yeah, I know it's an editorial assistant, not an editor-in chief position, is only a glamorous title for editorial alalay and it doesn't pay as good as I am receiving now but it's such an exciting job for beginners. I'm not kidding when I say I almost traded my stethoscopes for make-up brushes at one point. If I were younger, permanently residing in Mandaluyong and graduated from the course I wanted to take up in college, I'd probably kill for this job. I looked at the other job openings available and there was one for a fashion editor. Most likely, I'd target that job after my stint as an editorial assistant. Gosh, suddenly I'm wondering of the what might have beens. So if you're reading this and you think you qualify, go straight ahead to summit media, the publisher of the magazines I subsist on. You are the object of my envy. Good luck!

Friday, May 13, 2005

Hope Floats...Arm Flies

So I got past it finally . I underwent surgery last week. It was not lumpectomy after all but mastectomy. Browsing through my surgeon's orders that she left at the ER upon my admission, I almost panicked when the scheduled procedure she wrote was mastectomy. I had an idea it would be something short of that but when the word mastectomy is right at your face, it's like a bomb just dropped from the sky.

Subcutaneous mastectomy was done, removing the tissues beneath the skin and nipple. When I palpate my left breast now, it brings me to the ribcage directly underneath it. I'm not entirely hopeless. I was advised reconstructive surgery but the plastic surgeon suggested that we wait for the final biopsy to be sure that we were not dealing with malignancy which will require radiotherapy, which in turn is not compatible with implants. The other option presented to me was lattisimus flap, wherein they pull my muscle from the back so it fills in the area underneath the breast. The idea of having scars at the back and more wounds didn't appeal to me.

The final biopsy yielded ductal papilloma with florid epithelial hyperplasia. Not Cystosarcoma phyllodes as we were expecting. The clinical presentation of my case did not follow the typical ductal papilloma. The mass was too large for it, 13 cm in greatest diameter and I didn't have signs of nipple discharge. But then the pathologist has the final say. Good news is that it's benign and has less tendency for recurrence than phyllodes. Bad news is, it can develop into malignancy, especially with the florid epithelial hyperplasia accompanying it. The chances are slim but the risk is there. My battle is over for now and I'm praying hard it doesn't haunt me again.

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It feels weird when you're a doctor knowledgeable of the procedures that will be done to you. I'm lucky I didn't have to witness my intubation. I was awakened right after they extubated me. The skin testing and IV insertion hurt, as expected. Post-operatively, I was squirming in pain even with the toradol. I asked for more pain coverage but I couldn't tolerate tramadol since it made me puke. I was thinking of nubain but I guess they're using it with more discretion now. When I got to my room, I had to pop in my stocked celecoxib just to alleviate the tormenting pain I was under. But then nothing beats the pain of having the jackson pratt drain removed. It was a grenade-shape plastic with tube that collected the blood from the operative site. I kept it for 6 days. When it was due for removal, I knew it would hurt but dang I didn't expect it to hurt THAAAT bad. Imagine a tube gliding against a fresh wound. The minute my doctor told me to breathe deeply, I wanted to dash out of the room. It was the famous line we deliver to patients when we're about to do something hurtful. In between supressed screams I thought I'd faint as the tube was being pulled.

I'm pretty okay now except for the brachial plexopathy i suffered, a sequela of the mastectomy, a result of the positioning of my left arm during operation. Initally, I couldn't move my left upper extremity. Though I'm typing with both hands now, my left hand is still numb and the structures proximal to it have a limited range of motion. Doing the most mundane tasks such as squirting toothpaste out of its tube, shampooing my hair, using the fork have required humongous effort since then. I can't supinate my arm. I couldn't even tuck my hair behind my ear. I've dropped softdrinks bottles.I have to push my arm laterally before I could raise it. My other arm has to catch it before it lands somewhere. Yes, I have a stubborn flying arm. Allowing it to move as it pleases is like a pathetic attempt at breakdancing. It defies my brain's commands. A post-stroke picture. Now I understand how it is to try moving your extremity with all your will-power, yet it refuses to. It gets frustrating. I'm having a hemiplegic gait. My left shoulder is lower than my right and I walk with my upper extremity really close to my trunk. Not a pretty sight, I know. I've been referred to rehab medicine but I'm still hoping I could do this on my own before I resume work on Monday.

Everyone is looking forward to my reconstructive surgery. They say it's the perfect excuse to acquiring the endowed chest that nature hasn't granted me. Sounds exciting, yes, but I have a year to think about that. As much as possible I don't want to lie on the operating table again, not with another drain left. Good Lord. Presently, all that I'm hoping is that I don't get recurrence of the mass and I restore the normal function of my left arm. Although I couldn't help feeling like some mutant now that I'm living with just one breast, all that matters is that I'm alive and with a clean bill of health again. For now, that will do. Now excuse me while I try to catch my flying arm.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

My Lolas' Birthdays

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Today is Tina's birthday while this is a belated birthday greetings for Valora who celebrated hers last April 28. God Bless you lolas!

Thank You, My Dearest Friends

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I thank
... my mom for taking care of me while I was at the hospital. She is God's greatest gift to me.
... my nieces for their innate cuteness and for being my form of entertainment
... the rest of my family for their continuous outpour of love and support for me and for the food, especially that large box of pizza
...my doctors for their sensitivity, competence and the huge discounts (the philhealth footed the minimal professional fees, otherwise, i spent nothing for their services. part of ethics, yes but some doctors don't follow that. i'm lucky my doctors were among the ethical ones)
...the comc nurses from the er (who have been my friends ever since i moonlighted there) for my room reservation, as well as to the station and OR nurses for making my hospital stay comfortable
...my wonderful friends who never left me during my darkest hours:
.... Gracela, one of my best buds since high school who had to call me from Germany to leave encouraging words
.... Elaine, my confidante, who called me from the States the night prior to my surgery to cheer me up
.... Mama Fe who stayed true to her words to call me while I was at the hospital and for those morale-boosting tidbits before my dreaded day
....Tina, undoubtedly one of my most thoughtful friends, for the inspiring words and making me laugh amidst the fear eating me up
....Sarah, my ever reliable bud. Although I didn't tell her my ordeal because I didn't want to burden to her now that she has her own family and is preoccupied with other more important matters, when she learned about my surgery, her concern just moved me. She always knew the right words to say, at the right time.
.....Isobelle and Isabel, for the well wishes that came just in time.
.....Dylan, though he wanted me to hit myself in the head for my stupid decisions in matters of the heart, stood by me from the time I told him about my condition til i gathered enough courage to address it, til my day of operation, til i got through with it.
.....Doc Sumer, though I haven't met in person was being a sympathetic and good friend from a distance
....Styx, though younger than me, proved that she could be a source of strength and go beyond being my former intern to being one of my precious pals. Up to the last few minutes before they took me to the operating room, she texted me, wishing me luck.
.....Gio, though I still think he's among those who want me dead, was unusually nice to me when he found out I was in pain. He learned about my state after he texted me that he dreamt about the girl he was pining for. Nonetheless, he was miraculously sensitive and suppportive afterwards that I feared if I was dying anytime soon.
.....Those who took time from their busy sked to pay me a visit at the hospital, my Radiology family, Doc Minda, Doc Leslie, Doc Mavi, Ma'am Thelma, Ma'am Nannete andMa'am Richie. My COMC friends Pot, Tading, Eva, Ma'am Nilda. Also to Tedd and Malou for dropping by before my OR. Mary Ann who couldn't believe what I went through and asked if our batchmates were aware of it. Ella, my ever thoughtful former intern who always dropped by COMC just to say hi when she knew i was on duty, took a time off from her toxic OB rotation now just to check on me. My greatest surprise was Melissa, who I thought was already at Siliman for her PGI but was there to bring me flowers in behalf of her friends who happen to be my "bandmates".
.....Those who expressed their intentions to visit me but I discouraged because I didn't want them to see me at such a disheveled state, like Weng and Pips(who helped me follow up my philhealth)
..... Cecilia who was guilt-tripping for not being able to drop by while I was still admitted, called me from her cellphone to check if I was ok and promised she'll make up for it. No worries, Cil.
.....Those that I didn't tell about my condition but I'm sure will just be as concerned if I did.
.....Those who I didn't know personally but were with me in prayers.

I simply couldn't thank you enough!

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Happy Mother's Day


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They say a mother's love comes next to God's love, simply unconditional. To the marvelous person who never got tired of loving me, Happy Mother's Day Mom!

Monday, May 02, 2005

The Clock Is Ticking

In a few hours, I will be at the hospital not as a doctor but as a patient needing surgical intervention. Last night I dreamt that I was already at the operating table. I couldn't help but dread the moment. It's like being on the deathrow waiting for her turn to be executed.

Gracela called me up from Germany upon reading my last entry. She claimed she couldn't sleep after reading through my blog. She knew me since high school as the scaredy cat who sought comfort in her mom's protection. She told me " i know you're scared but please be brave, you'll get through this". Years have passed and a lot of things have changed. Pain has ripened me but I still get scared that I tremble at the thought of what I have to go through, all the physical pain and the uncertainties I have to face when I wake up.

Elaine felt nauseated after reading too. She confessed she took it lightly when I was telling her the lumps on my left breast were bothering me. It's okay, Laine, it's not just you who felt that way. When I told everyone I was quitting my IM residency before, no one believed me. It was only after I left that everyone realized I was serious about it and they were asking why didn't I tell them the sentiments I've keeping all along. Truth is, I've been talking about it over and over again but no one took me seriously.

In a few hours, things will never be the same again. A part of me will be missing and I still don't know how it would affect me. If only they could take my heart along with it. For the first time in a long time, I'm too young for something.

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Mama Fe promised me she'll call while I'm at the hospital. Styx says she's been praying for me. Everyone else who made this ordeal a lot lighter for me by simply being there, thank you. I'm stacking on books I will be reading while bedridden. I will have Jessica Zafra's dose of wits on "Twisted 7", Alison James' sassy approach to losing the loser in your life, "I used to miss him but my aim is improving" and Greg Behrendt's "He's just not that into you", a book recommended to me by a fellow xangan upon reading my blogs. =) I specifically chose reading materials that will perk me up. Paul and Juhl's could wait. I hope this is the last time my breasts are gonna threaten my health coz frankly, it gets stressful to be stripping in front of people (although medical professionals), especially that there's nothing there to flash.

At this point I leave everything to God. I may not understand why things happen but I know I'm safe with God holding my hand... Lord, thy will be done.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Entertainers For Hire


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If laughter is the best medicine, then these are the best doctors. They perform at parties, too. Anyone interested in availing of their services may get in touch with me. I'm the group's manager. Wholesome events only. =)

With Feelings


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They sing as though they're about to eat you alive. When you're down, surround yourself with people of this disposition. Amusement guaranteed. I couldn't finish a song without these three cracking me up. They make a good back-up too, with choreography. When they were backing me up for some Britney song, I got carried away that I was later singing the back-up part and they were crooning the lead part.

styx unplugged

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Mega-emote. Kaya mo yan, styx!

Masculadas

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the trio doing a masculados number. styx doing the signature masculados move. i told them, "if you're into those choice of songs, there's always sexbomb, you know.. you're girls for heaven's sake"

melissa aka intsik. she struck me as someone serious. never did i expect her to have the moves and vocal stylings of JLo.. trust me, she is anything but serious. she, along with rowena could leave you in stitches..

styx..beneath her tough exterior lies a thoughtful soul. one early morning, when i was on duty, she texted me "wake up, doc, we'll have breakfast somewhere, my treat".. unfortunately i couldn't come with her since i still had x-ray plates to be read and i was on solo duty.. i noticed her invitations came only when i couldn't make it. hmmm... i'll write you a friendster testimonial when i get back from the hospital, styx. thanks by the way for your uplifting words. i'll live long enough to claim that promised treat, don't worry :)

armi followed us to our hideout.. she was supposedly on duty at the department and hospital where i used to work for... so i'm a bad influence .

with rowena.. this girl is inspired.. see the look of love in her eyes

with dr. navoa, our generous surgery consultant. he sponsored this gimik for the lolas.

with jerico, sarah's husband and my kumpare.. sarah used to be as stick-thin as i am.. now look at her.

sarah, tina, shawie, valora, fe, edshil... meet my beautiful lolas who made me jealous because they went to videoke in complete attendance except for me...huhuhu...*sniff*