I Love You...Goodnight

My phone just beeped. I hurriedly picked it up hoping it was him. Fat chance. It was Alex. Don't get me wrong, I have been blessed to have a great friend like Alex and I don't know what I would've done if she weren't by my side at the time when my world just crumbled. She was the first friend I called the minute the boy I loved walked out of the door and out of my life. I couldn't contain my feelings as I was speaking to Alex over the phone. I could hardly catch my breath. I was crying hysterically over the phone. She was worried like hell as to what happened to me. She wanted to come over and check on me but she had her kid with her at some place where it was difficult to commute. She was among the few who knew about my love story. She was the one who made me realize that I was indeed in love with him. The other friend aware of it was Retchie. She was alarmed by how I sounded over the phone. She told me she was coming over to be with me at the hospital where I was on duty. I needed someone to talk to. A part of me just died. Retchie slept at the wooden chairs that night just to make sure I'd be alright. Alex on the other hand lost touch due to the poor signal in the place she was staying at. Little did I know that she just launched world war III with the one I loved. I didn't mean to make my friends hate him but I understood what they were feeling. When Retchie came over, I instructed her not to be mean to him, that I'd handle the situation.

That night, before going to sleep, he texted me like nothing's changed. He said his I love you, good night line. I didn't know what to feel. I honestly liked the idea that he still loved me. That put me to a sound sleep despite all the hurts I was feeling. At the same time I was confused where I really stood in his life. The next day, we saw each other. We had breakfast before we went to mass. We made that plan a few days back, when we were still together and decided to push through with the plan even after the worst thing happened. I delivered my lines while he sat and listened. He didn't have much to say except he was sorry. The words I wanted to hear from him didn't come out, though..the words that say he wanted me back and didn't mean everything he said the previous night.

During mass, he squeezed my hand so tight before letting it go. It was an agony to be beside him yet missing him already. When he got off the car, he thanked me and pressed my hand again. I held it tight that I never wanted to let it go. I drove away with tears blurring my vision. I had to park briefly at the next corner and let out a good cry. The pain was too much to handle. But then nobody dies of a broken heart. It just bleeds while you go on living. That moment, I didn't see the point of living.

At home, I talked to my good friend Mama Fe and cried over the phone once more before I dozed off to sleep. Upon waking up, I found myself weeping again after realizing that I no longer have him in my life.

Last night he still texted me if I was awake and said his good night. No I love you this time. But I was happy that I was still on his mind. Little things like this make me happy now. I was a beggar for his affection. The next thing he texted was that "I guess I shouldn't be texting you for the meantime so you can forget about me and the pain I caused. I didn't mean to come this far of being hurtful to you. I'm sorry." I disagreed and asked him to take it slow as he weans himself from me. Losing him so quickly would hurt like hell. He never replied after that.

This morning I was checking my phone for like every 30 minutes if he had his good morning messages, the things I looked forward to as I wake up everyday. They never arrived. Tonight I stare at my phone all the time hoping for a miracle. I wonder what he could be doing now. If he still thinks of me at all. I was tempted to let him know how much I still love him but it would only hurt both of us. I miss his I love yous before going to sleep. I miss the thought of having somebody who thinks of me before he tucks himself to bed. His loving words were my lullabies. Now, I have but the silence of the night to put me to sleep.

I sorely miss him. I still don't understand how two people in love with each other can't be together. Maybe love is too complicated beyond my grasp. I just wanted to be happy and happiness for me meant sharing my love with him. For now, the only thing I could think of to ease the pain is that he deserves to be happy. I want his happiness even if it means me not being a part of his life.

Life has too many mysteries that are difficult to understand. I shall take refuge in the thought that God heals.

Tonight, I wish him beautiful dreams.