Attract Your Life's Desires

Monday, August 30, 2004

Plain Jane

I didn't grow up with a fabulous face. Nature missed the flawless skin encryption in my genes. I was an acne-beseiged teenager drawn to the sidelights when under attack. I wasn't a campus hearthrob nor did I date the hottest guys in town. I was a plain jane, the girl who hardly merited a second look. I may not have turned heads but I didn't turn stomachs either. I was average. Being tall and thin didn't work to my advantage. In fact, it was a source of insecurity.I was gawky instead of stunning, blame that on my bad posture. People would comment on my anorexic-like frame with disgust,like I consciously made an effort to remain stick-thin.There was a time I wore oversized shirts and loose jeans, enough to land me a spot on the fashion criminals list. I knew I could do better but I was too shy to look it. I was scared of coming out of my shell and people noticing my presence. Self-confidence was alien to my vocabulary.

A few glamorous magazines subscriptions after, makeovers fascinated me. It was awesome to see how ordinary looking women transformed into glamour incarnates. Excitedly, I resurrected the make-ups piling up on my drawers sent from the states by my aunt. The changes it did on my face were rather dramatic. Hmmm...interesting, I told myself. Wardrobe revamp was the next on my list.It felt good to be fashionable. I liked what I saw on the mirror.

It wasn't long before friends started seeking my help on aesthetic matters. I did makeovers on them too and made them feel good about themselves. Hence, the the birth of the makeover diva! With medical knowledge comes acne-busting powers. I still get flare-ups every now and then but I know better how to handle them. I inject intralesional steroids to myself and to my friends if I have to.It's something that takes skills and knowledge of the possible risks. If it's too tough to handle, I can always to turn to my Dermatology professor.

My transformation didn't take overnight though. Successfully attaining my medical degree and license did push my ego to obtaining that elusive self-confidence. Being in company of good friends supportive of my self-improvement surely helped in unraveling the beauty I never thought was in me. Cliche as it may sound, doing something good for others and being happy about it does a lot of wonders. Beauty not backed up by a good heart doesn't appear to be lasting.

I may not be as traffic-halting as the models on the billboards, I may not land on the next cover of Cosmo,I may not win every cute guy's attention, I may be needing make-ups for a beauty-boost but I like myself better now and I think that's a good way to start living the life I want. That's all that matters.





Ming-Na of ER

Glamorously Toxic Posted by Hello

Friday, August 27, 2004

it says it all Posted by Hello

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Crossroads

A quitter, a risk-taker, a rule-breaker.. Those were words I never thought would describe me, until the day I left from residency training.

I quit Internal Medicine not because I was too weak to face the odds. Sure, I had my share of whippings from some consultants who belonged to the old school of thought where insults were the best way to teach, but those were nothing compared to the flaks we got as senior clerks (4th year medical students). Back then we were the lowest form of animals at the hospital. We had to swallow our pride and take all the insults coming from our seniors just because we were that-- lowest form of animals.But then I survived. Maybe it's because we didn't have a choice back then. If I gave up that early, my 3 years of med school wouldn't have meant anything. The most coveted title of MD wouldn't have been etched to my name if I didn't finish my clerkship. This time it's different. I enjoy a well-earned respect as a doctor whose decisions spell the difference between life and death.A resident whose positive feedbacks should have inspired her to keep going despite the back-breaking load of work. Why give up now? Was I emotionally unfit to play the game? Hmm...I'm perfectly sane, for how long, that I don't know. Were the obstacles too tough for me to hurldle? Not really. I was thinking, If this was something I truly loved, I would have fought for it and faced the challenges head-on just to prove how much I wanted it. The difference between clerkship and now is that presently, I have other options, specialties I could choose from.

Dermatology was my first love. However, I've realized, sometimes the things we love don't love us back. There were circumstances beyond my control that prevented me from being a Dermatologist, no matter how badly I wanted it. The training programs in Dermatology available in this country are either too competitive to get into or can bring you below poverty line. Yes, some residency programs do not come with a salary. At some institutions, you even have to pay around P80,000 per year of training. If I were a Cojuangco or an Ayala, I would've probably went on with it.


I loved dermatology but it didn't love me back, so it must not have been for me. Internal Medicine loved me but I didn't love it enough to live with it's miseries.What am I talking about? Does this all boil down to love? Funny, cause my friends have been asking me if my quitting had something to do with that schmuck who broke my heart. Honestly, the most part he played in my decision was putting me into an emotional turbulence that pushed me into greater stress that finally made me give in. Otherwise, I would've been my usual self, struggling, persisiting, wondering what life might have been if I pursued something else.In other words, anything but a risk-taker. Taking risks in love is a whole-different story, that I didn't take. They say look before you leap. From what I saw, I decided not to take a leap. Oh well. Again, on risk-taking as to my career-change, I wasn't afraid of the responsibilities that came with being an internist, I was more afraid of living the life I didn't want. So I took the risk.

My folks would've loved seeing me become an internist but when I told them I was quitting, surprisingly, they did not object. They must have seen the worn-out look in my eyes. I will surely miss making urgent decisions critical to the survival of my patients, I will miss hearing my name called at the paging system, and I will miss all the people who made a difference in my brief stint as an internal medicine resident. I'm not bothered about the department for I know they will soon find a better replacement for me, someone who's more willing to take on the challenges of being a resident doctor at such a toxic department.

Have I continued my training, I would surely be on my way to becoming a highly respected specialist. That's why some prefer to suffer and finish the residency and go through more years of subspecialty because it was a sure way to securing a comfortable future. I thought about that too but somehow it's just not for me. I'm setting my sights now on Radiology, a more laid back specialty. I've been reading the cosmo July 2004 with an article on "getting a professional face-lift", it says the most common reasons why women switch from one career to another are 1.) burn out 2.) boredom 3.)they want to develop other talents. For me it's number 1 and 3. By taking Radiology as a specialty, I still get to be a Doctor, saving lives albeit indirectly. At the same time I get to hone my other skills, photography for one.Who knows, I may one day fullfill my dreams of building my own studio, travelling to Europe just to take pictures. After all Radiology is like taking pictures except that the Rad tech is the photographer, and we look through a much deeper perspective, deep enough to penetrate into peoples' bones . I hope I'll be happy now.

I, Me, Myself Posted by Hello

My Life that Wasn't My Own

It has been almost a month since my sudden bid of farewell to my career in internal medicine. I couldn't help it. I've been contemplating on quitting my residency training since my first month. Internal Medicine just wasn't for me. It has been brave of me to actually try it. I did enjoy it for a while. My knowledge have vastly expanded in just 2 months of training, it was fascinating to learn things that could actually help save more lives. Indeed, I saved lives, and that gave me satisfaction. However, my body can only take so much.After my morning rounds, making sure my patients were still breathing, i had to log in my progress notes for the day while analyzing what was actually happening to my patients.When a consultant arrived, I had to be with them. Some were nice as they unselfishly shared the things i ought to know and some tormented me with questions that i had yet to find answers to. After then I went back finishing my progress notes while constantly being referred to for problems regarding my patients. Being assigned to the most toxic station for almost three months (i was assigned to the ward and ICU extension), it has been a routine to be doing CPR, emergency intubation and pronunciation of death from time to time. I was afraid my heart was getting calloused. But that's how life goes. Being in the medical field, we couldn't afford to be too emotional. Otherwise, we'd crack up.
During the night, if i were on 24 hrs duty, i admitted patients at the ER. I was notorious for being toxic. Patients would come all at the same time and I had to attend to them as fast as I could. There were ward calls on the side.If they needed urgent attention, I had to do something about it. During the dawn, admissions still kept coming. The phone in the doctors' quarters kept ringing that you'd want to bang it on the wall. I was tired but I couldn't complain. I chose that kind of job. I had to live with it.
The next day we would be endorsing our patients in the presence of our consultants. More questions thrown that needed answers I had yet to find.Sometimes despite our efforts, we still ended up being thought of as irresponsible. Now that sucks. After endorsements, I was on my way making my rounds again and the routine previously stated above, over again, until 5 in the afternoon, without being able to sleep the night before. There were times I almost broke down from sheer exhaustion. After coming home, I could barely open my eyes. Sleeping, my favorite hobby has become a luxury. This was supposed to go on for three years and another three more years of subspecialty... why did I choose to be a doctor in the first place?