oh, this is cool!

flickr.com rocks! while hello doesn't seem to work these days, i found an alternative, flickr photos. check out the daily zeitgeist just below the player on this page. kewl!

The Year That Was

Year 2004 has been one big roller coaster ride for me. Last Christmas, a personalized greeting came from Ai, "Merry Christmas, Grace. Wishing you all the luck in the coming year. No more heartaches and headaches." Truly, this year has been highlighted by heartbreaks from all aspects of my life, not only from a romantic point of view. Happiness when it comes, is fleeting. Yet, what isn't? Even pain is temporary. We gotta learn to roll with the punches. Here are highlights of the year in the life of an ordinary girl who tried to find her place in the sun.

I drove my own car. I've been a licensed driver for five years now but I never had the guts to drive on my own until this year. It had to take an automatic honda city 2003 to get me driving. I remember the first time I drove it without any other licensed driver with me. My mom was my first passenger. Seeing her hold on to a rosary while I was driving made me all the more anxious. There were times she couldn't contain her own nervousness that she was actually reciting the rosary out loud. Waahh… mom, stop it. In the first few months of driving, my attacks of hyperacidity made me want to puke just before I started the engine. I learned that driving takes a lot of maturity and understood why you shouldn't keep a gun inside the car. Damn these boorish drivers, they could seriously get your blood boiling! My violent propensities make me want to shoot each one of them in the head. It wasn't long before I heard myself uttering profanities that sounded more like the devil speaking through my tongue. Playing feel –good (or is it feel-vain) songs “Pretty Woman” and “I’m Too Sexy” on the car stereo did help me keep my cool.

It was a year of Mr. Wrongs. Of toads disguised as princes that at one point or another made me consider a life at the pond. I'd rather not expound on this blow by blow coz I got the whole blog that tackles on this one. The highlight would be me curling up in a dark corner of my room, bursting into a fit of desperate tears, talking to Elaine on the phone asking "what's wrong with me? why can't he like me back?" boohoohoo. Eeew. Hehehe! I couldn't help laughing at myself reminiscing that scene but ugh! it did hurt too much. The pain was THISCLOSE to sending me into neurogenic shock. It's just so sad that after all these years, I'm still playing the role of Eponine. A most-coveted role theatrically but not in real life. Listening to "A little fall of rain" still feels like a dagger through my heart. Enough already. I hope I don't leave this world not knowing how's it to be a Cosette in some Marius' life. (uh, Cosette, dear not Casette or Corsette.. geez)

I entered and left Internal Medicine Residency. I've been delaying my entry into this for the longest time. Finally, with Isobelle taking the plunge at it, I went for it too. It took a major push for me to dive into it. On my first day I actually puked before heading to the hospital. Isobelle called in sick and had to undergo therapy for the next 2 weeks so that left me as the sole 1st year resident for the time being. Good thing my seniors especially Dra. Pam were so supportive of me. Internal Medicine, whether in a big or small hospital, will always be demanding. It was exceptionally toxic when I was on duty. I carried over my vampiric lifestyle, hence my patients arrived at the most ungodly hours. Isobelle and I noticed we were growing white hairs in our late 20’s. We were getting polyphagic yet losing pounds which was good for everyone except me. I didn’t want to reach a point when patients would be asking where’s the resident on duty and there would I be, showing up like an unfed *Negros kid. I honestly enjoyed learning at Internal Medicine but the demands took its toll on me which made me ask if that was the life I wanted. Add to that the fact that I was only going for it to pursue my dermatology dreams. I wasted 2 long years just to have a shot at the specialty that didn’t want me and now I was taking the long road just to get there. I learned that there are things that will never love you back and thus, you have to let go. I quit training after barely 2 months and a week.

I started blogging. I went into a major depression. After quitting Internal Medicine, I didn’t know where to go. I was already 28 and wasn’t on training. I chose to shift into Radiology which wasn’t exactly thrilled to have me in unlike Internal Medicine. The options of training some place else like Cebu or Manila didn’t sound good to my family. My mom wasn’t talking to me everytime I brought out that topic. After all, they bought me my car in one condition, that I have my residency training here in this city. I actually had my car in exchange of my freedom. Throw in a guy problem on top of a career dilemma and there I was, on the brink of insanity. Although I usually keep my heart on a leash, there are times when it starts beating frantically that leads me into trouble. I fall hard and deep, deep enough to meet the creatures from the underworld. Then it gets difficult to pull me up from there. My friends tried all words of exorcism to get me back on track. It has been said that a wise man acknowledges the fact that that he is on pain and does something about it while a foolish man denies it and looks for ways to mask it. I did acknowledge that I was in pain, in major pain at that. It was evident on my blogs. My friends were worried I was starting to be suicidal based on my blog entries. For the record, I may sound a weakling whining through my posts but suicidal ideations are not my cup of tea. I just needed a place to vent out all my pains. I have to thank Gail for getting me into blogging, this spared me from the trip to the shrink.

I made peace with myself. The hardest person to forgive is yourself. I blamed myself for not keeping my heart in check, for allowing myself to be treated like dirt, for not starting residency early on, for being such a loser in general. I can be really hard on myself and afterwards sulk in my own pity pot. How tempting it is to take revenge on those who took advantage of my weaknesses. I could simply call on Mama Fe for her witchcraft spells and be tearfully happy watching my wrongdoers lead a miserable life. How come I still want them finding their true happiness, their own solace from pain when I’m not at all gunning for sainthood? I guess the more you hurt someone, the more you’re giving them the chance to hurt you in return. Wishing for others’ misery is not a very mature thing to do. It can get exhausting and you’ll only find yourself in the losing end. Letting go may not be easy but oftentimes, it’s the only way out. Free your mind, your soul, and the rest will follow. It’s not how many times you fall but how many many times you got up after each fall. I’m starting my Radiology residency next month. Finally, I’m staying in it. No more trips to Manila in the next four years but I know it will only take a while. It’s a well-paying job and definitely less taxing than Internal Medicine. At least it’s not something that would land me a role in the next stresstabs ad. I thank everyone who’s been there for me and even those who caused me pain. They contributed a whole lot to my maturity. I can say the year was pretty eventful and I did a lot of growing up this year. Finally, I learned to forgive myself.

*negros kid has to do with the 1970's sugar slump in Negros Occidental, not talking about blacks here

My Supposedly-New Year's Resolution

Your New Years Resolution Should Be: Wake up before noon

You've been accused of sleeping your life away. And it's a little bit true - you are really into your pillow. In fact, it may be years since you've seen a sunrise at the *start* of your day. Sleep a little less. Some sunshine would do you good.

What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be?

Celebrating Life

I was midway through my dreams when I was awakened by the beeping of my cellphone. I reached for it and realized it was my birthday. Greetings from friends started coming. Normally, I'd grouchily pick up the phone and bury it under my pillows as I go back to sleep. That day it was different, I replied to every message with a smile. When you're getting older, simple gestures such as these mean a lot to you. You get more sensitive over not being remembered and people who do remember you will carve a special place in your heart.

It was ironic that the day marked the burial of 2 national headliners, FPJ and De Venecia's young daughter KC. It felt awkward to be celebrating when what you see on tv are people grieving . Not that you don't witness that on tv everyday. After watching the tv coverage of the said events, the people in my tito and tita's new house were getting busy preparing for the party that night. No, it wasn't really for my birthday. My cousin was also celebrating his birthday and it was a housewarming get-together as well. When my Tito learned I was going out with friends later that night, he and my tita insisted that I invite my friends to the house instead. Hmm..Great idea. It will save me from spending for dinner.

Although my mom was with me, I missed the rest of my family. My nieces singing "happy birthday" to me over my brother's phone made up for it.In the afternoon, just when I was about to take a catnap, my phone rang diplaying an unfamiliar number. Upon answering it, I was surprised to learn that it was my long lost friend Gracela who called straight from Germany. She recently found me at friendster (yes friendster hasn't lost its charms). That girl is one thoughtful friend I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. We've known each other since high school and a lot has changed, save for one thing, she still remembers me on my special day.

Later it was time to pick up my friends from Shangrila. Sharon, Sarah, Jessa and Brenda texted that they were sorry they couldn't come for different reasons. It was okay, they've been there at times when I needed them most. They have proven their worth as friends on more than one occasion. After a long time, I got to see again my lolas and lolos. Ai, Mama Fe, Tina, Larry and Doc Aries were there. When we dropped by Polymedic, Edshil who was on duty came down to the car and greeted me too. Jay called and said he'd follow.

Jay, the master of insults was at it again. When he met my pretty cousins Ronnie and Becky, he was asking "are you sure you're cousins?" If for any consolation, at least I was sure it was Jay I was talking to and not some stranger we mistakenly let inside the house. He was even asking me to set him up on a date with Becky. Told him to give it up. She has been offered countless times for modeling jobs but all have been turned down. Their Dad (my other uncle) never liked the idea and I'm sure he'll kill me if I set my cousin up on a date. Besides I wanted Jay to date his fellow surgeon Mama Fe, not Becky. At least Mama Fe could cut his throat when he tries to poke sick jokes on anyone again.

We headed to greenbelt for our favorite gimik, videoke. Gail and her boyfriend, Jardine were meeting us at Redbox. When we got there, the wait list was too long everybody seemed to be in a rockstar mood. When Gail called IO, same story. Jardine offered his condo instead for our videoke. Gail, another proven videoke queen had her handy magic mike. It was a little embarassing to Jardine considering we just met and I was with friends who were raiding his condo but he was really cool about it. ( digression: A week before when I was talking to Gail on the phone, Jardine was offerring his place for me to stay while I would be in Manila, Gail was joking he wanted to adopt me). Little did we know that he was actually battling with fever that day. As we were belting our heart-wrenching songs, he was getting knocked down all the more hence he had to excuse himself while we finish our concert. As usual, the singers in the group Larry and Tina melted everyone with their soulful voices while Mama Fe, the partly sadistic witchcraft guru tortured the sick Jardine with her rap version of the "How do I live" and scored much higher points than Tina. Must be the red wine she drank almost all by herself. Doc Aries, rendered the song of the moment "Kumusta ka" ala FPJ , Jay, who I never heard sing actually gave in to "Cruisin" with Mama Fe . Ai, the perennially shy albeit helmeted girl declined to sing. Gail, after singing a few songs for her baby Jardine had to excuse herself too while she got medicine for him. Even if their guests were all doctors, nothing will cure Jardine than Gail's TLC. Videoke will never be the same without these people.

Realizing the need for the host to get his rest, we bade our goodbyes to my gracious friends Jardine and Gail and went on to Watering Hole in Shangrila. Jay and Ai went home. So went the date I tried to fix for Mama Fe. Actually, I wanted to put my matchmaking skills to rest already after the breakups of couples I recently matched but Mama Fe and Jay were just too good to pass up (but it did anyway). After seeing Larry dozing off to sleep in his seat and Mama Fe trying to keep her eyes open while talking (both were from-duty status), we decided to call it a night. Mama Fe and I stayed for the night at Sharon's condo in while Shawie was on duty at Polymedic. And that's how spent my 29th birthday, in the company of good friends who reminded me that life is still beautiful, despite everything.

Celebrating Life, Images

me and my guests. mama fe, tina, doc aries, larry, me, jay and ai


how can my bugaw powers work if jay and mama fe are so distant from each other


Jardine's Videoke Bar. I was supposed to be the one treating them but they turned out hosting the birthday videoke party for me. Thanks Gail and Jards!


behind us are jardine's dvd collection. doc aries, upon seeing the GI Joe movie got excited like a kid all over again


hmmm... it started with a duet. hehe! note doc aries, in his pa-cute pose


gail dedicating a song to his sick baby who got sicker when he heard us howling


Go Gail!... Jardine:" awat na baby"


poor poor jardine running down with fever


my cousins ronnie and becky, my mom and me. stop asking me how to get in touch with my cousins already.


mama fe and tinkerbell, anong gamit nyong detergent?


edshil and shawie were on duty on my birthday, i treated them out to cravings instead, the next day


meet ruffa mae quinto and camille pratts in one person- shawie



me and tinkerbell

Home Again

I'm back. My entire body is in pain. My muscles are sore from walking and carrying stuffs. But I don't mind, I had fun!Nothing beats a good time spent with good friends.

My milk rebond took 7 long hours. It was my first stop. Arrived at megamall at around 11 AM. While my mom, titas and titos headed to the grocery, I went to Ricky Reyes Salon and told them I will take a while before I get my hair done. True enough, I came close to developing pressure ulcers from sitting down for too long. I left my Da Vinci code at home so I spent most of the time reading the salon's magazines from cover to cover, playing bejeweled on my pda and then staring adoringly at my face in the mirror afterwards (ey, my blog, remember?). I skipped lunch for this beauty endeavor. A vanity rule of thumb, beauty first before comfort.

After the long wait, I almost wished I could walk backwards so I could flaunt my fabulous hair. My past 2 rebonds were done at Hairbytes shangrila. Though the atmosphere was a lot classier at hairbytes, with celebrities walking in as regular customers, with Iced Tea and glossy magazines served, I could say the rebond at Ricky Reyes is better. They handled my hair with much care. In my previous rebond, some strands beneath were burnt-frizzy, which did not happen this time. After all, Ricky Reyes pioneered the the hair rebond in this country. But if I were to have to haircut or other salon services, I'd still choose Hairbytes. The last time I had a haircut at another Ricky Reyes branch, I ended up looking like a die hard F4 fanatic. When you're a girl, you're not supposed to look like Jerry Yan. Keep that in mind.

Leaving the salon at about 6 PM, that gave me time to romp my way around Megamall. I checked out Humor Post for Baby Blues series as present for my nieces but they were out of stock. Went to Goodwill and saw new editions of Harrison's and Medicine bluebook. Guess IM will always have a spot in my heart. I decided to drop by Great Image studio and have my newly rebonded hair captured in photos. Whoa! The results were pretty cool. They digitally remove all your blemishes. Looking at my pictures, it made me feel like an overaged contestant for startstruck. Originally, I planned to schedule a photo shoot with fashion photographer Ken Go who happens to be the husband of Kikay sister Abbie, but unfortunately, they were fully booked for wedding coverages that week. Great Image wasn't bad at all. I saw pictures of Gail and Carlo posted as samples of the studio. Made me smile. My bugaw powers turned awry. At least I know Gail is very much happy now.

up next... the birthday celebration.

Just In Case You're Wondering, You Don't Have To Be Gorgeous To be My Friend..

...I just happen to be friends with fine-looking people..
*ahem* thank you sa mga gifts nyo sakin mga lola! hehe!

over lunch

Shawie, like me is into Radiology. She started her residency training a couple of months ago at Polymedic.

cravings

just thinking how the new lipstick would look on me

ruffa mae pratts

this was the girl who was dragging me to come see rico yan in his wake when we were still interns

house

si britney o si tina o si fe. disclaimer: i'm no britney fan. i just happen to love making a mock of her songs during videoke hence these people tagged me as such ever since i sang the first britney song "hit me baby one more time", a song for masochists.

larry tulog

larry, the "christian bautista" sound alike who has peculiar dance steps during videokes that could get you laughing til your tummies ache. he recently switched specialties from surgery to im.

tinkerbell

tina the voice. bakal queen. one of the most thoughtful friends you can have.

san na yung dimple?

doc aries, our 1st year surgery resident when we were interns now one of the seniors. magaling na daw manoxic. famous for his dimples which which aren't seen on this pic. hataw din sa videoke.

mama

nobody messes with her. not unless you want her to turn you into a frog. our mama in our fantasyland. you'll know when she's mad, you'll go deaf from her curses.

isnow

our snow white. whenever we wanted to ask some guy a favor, we tell him he could date snow in exchange. of course snow doesn't like that so we secretly do it instead. talk about evil friends with bugaw powers.

ruffa mae

one of the most humble people you'll ever know. no trace of arrogance from this heiress to one of the hospitals in dagupan. actually, she owns half of that city. kidding.

shangrila

mirror mirror on the wall who's the vainest of them all

Just For Laughs

Chinese man:Me no come work, me sick.
Boss: When I'm sick,I have sex with my wife, try it.
2hrs later chinese phones back:It worked!Me better. U got nice house!
-----------
A student in exam starts taking off all his clothes throwing them out of the window.
Teacher: "What are you doing?"
Student: Paper says, "Answer in brief only".
-----------
Employer to applicant: "So why did you leave your previous job?"
Applicant: "The company relocated & they did not tell me where."
(digression: this should have been my answer to my interview lately. haha!)
-----------
A couple was vacationing in a jungle. Suddenly, the husband was attacked by a crocodile. HUSBAND: Quick! Shoot!
WIFE: I cant! I ran out of film!
-----------
A gay donated huge money to church.The pastor said to gay: "in gratitude you can select 3 HYMNS." Quickly,d gay stood up pointd to 3 men & said"him,him, him!"
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Birds of the same feather make a good feather duster;when the cat is away the mouse is alone; don't judge a book just cover it; a family that prays together has only 1 rosary.
-----------
Dear SANTA,Pls send me a BABY BROTHER 4 Christmas.Love,TOMMY.
-Dear TOMMY,You'll surely get ur Xmas gift. Just send me your MOTHER.Love, Santa

SMILE! hehe! it's never good to take your self too seriously. this is the season to be merry after all. To end, i want you all to sing this christmas carol with me...ahem! *clears throat*... "whenever i see girls and boys selling lanterns on the streets, i remember the boy but i don't remember the feeling anymore..." ooopps! :) sorry on that one. woohoo!!! happy holidays everyone! :)

Unfriendly Reminders

these are the popular searches that keep popping out in my friendster network:

1.he's just not that into you
2.filipino men
3.physician salaries
4.nokia 6230
5.compatibility tests
6.new hair styles
7.compatibility horoscope
8.free nokia 7610
9.free ringtones
10.physical therapy jobs

i know, i know, alright! it's nagging me already. sometimes it gets a little creepy that friendster knows you a little too well. at least they stopped associating elaine with boldstars.

Spongecola

Boy, I sooo love the rendition of this band's "crazy for you". Thing with alternative bands singing a love song is that the emotions are raw, it kinda hits you in a different way. I was looking for the link to that song so I could put it on my player on this page, I just couldn't find it. Madonna's original version is a good one but I might end up making my player sound like a jukebox or a videoke machine (I happen to sing that song in every videoke gimik). "Crazy for You" however is not included in Sponge Cola's album "Palabas". Hehe. Bummer. But they do have great original songs like "Lunes" and "Jeepney". Hope I could watch them in one of their gigs soon.

It's My Party And I'll Curse If I Want To

I'm taking the time off from all the miseries that have engulfed me for the past few months. I just finished serving my one month pre-residency in Radiology and now awaiting further instructions. In the meantime I'll be taking a much needed vacation in Manila and seeing my friends again. I've just announced that I'd be arriving next week, to give them time to free their skeds. For the first time in several months, I'm actually excited about something again. It reminds me that I did have a life before I filled my world with gloom. Happiness is indeed a choice. Not always an easy one, though. Sometimes, one needs to exert extra effort to achieve it especially when faced with circumstances that test your resilience against defeat .

It's almost my birthday. I'm praying to have the wisdom and maturity to fight off all these self-defeating attitude. I pray for good health for myself and the people I love. I wish for sharpness of the mind to keep me focused on my work. I wish for peace, both inner and for the world. I wish to have the tenacity to keep me going through the rough times.Lastly, if it's not too much to ask, I wish people would stop taking pity on me just because I have nobody special in my life at this age and that they'd stop pairing me off with the next single guy they know coz honestly, most, if not all of their choices gross me out. God, I'm pissed off when they do that. They can do that to other single girls maybe, but not to me, please. It only adds insult to injury. My shaky self-esteem can't take it well yet. It further ties me down into my already clogged-up pity pot. I handle the situation calmly when inside I'm already screaming while simultaneously cursing them with words I'd rather not say here. They think they're doing you a favor by matching you off even when it's not obviously not welcome. That's the hardest part of being single, people try to fill the spot you reserved for your prince with knights in rusty armors and think you wouldn't notice the difference. Nobody has the right to tell me who and when to love. Luckily, my best buds don't do that to me. They know me too well to try that. Another thing that pisses me off are the guys who assume you're enjoying being paired off with them and that you're an easy prey and will take the bait just because you've been single for too long. Screw them.

Oh. Guess I just blew off steam there. Been keeping it down all this time. But I do hope I get my wishes for my birthday. It's not something too much to ask, is it?

What Dreams May Come

"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal."--Albert Pike

When I ask myself what have I done for others that will have me remembered beyond my grave, I am dumbfounded. I honestly don't know if I have done anything significant to mark my own legacy. I fear that I will be remembered as no more than the pink bag-toting doctor who cannot go out in public without painting her face. Or as the authority to consult as far as aesthetics are concerned. I doubt if people ever see the real me beyond all that is obvious. It's of my own doing, after all. I created an image to mask the imperfections I dread the others to see. An image amusing enough to distract them from knowing the one who suffers from unconquerable fears, a front that builds the walls to protect me from the rest of the world, a wall that repels anyone who dare break into my realm.

I fear being remembered as the selfish one who cared about nothing but her own pain. My selfless contribution to the medical world wouldn't really count. It's my obligation to care. Caring should never be a task. It's a calling I'm trying to run away from but beckons at me again and again. As a doctor, I wouldn't leave this world anything noteworthy beyond the call of my duty.

I fear being thought of as someone who lost hope. I want to be a source of inspiration, not a living example of despair.Touching people's lives is one my my ardent dreams. A simple yet ambitious mission to fulfill. I'm not someone powerful who could make things possible at the snap of her fingers. In my own little ways, I hope I could live that dream. I'd like to see people believing in themselves, move them into becoming the person they were destined to become, save them from drowning into the sea of hopelessness. Too grand a dream, maybe. But if I know I made a difference in someone's life, I'd die happy.

Quotes of the week

A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist.
--Stewart Alsop

Ancient Egyptians believed that upon death they would be asked two questions and their answers would determine whether they could continue their journey in the afterlife. The first question was, "Did you bring joy?" The second was, "Did you find joy?"
--Leo Buscaglia

We must laugh before we are happy, for fear of dying without having laughed at all.
-- Jean de la Bruyere

Turbulent Thoughts

Of all the foolish things I did in the past, I wonder if this thing I'm doing will bring me burning in hell. It's one thing to kill and another thing to allow yourself to get killed, especially when armed with the adequate rifles to save yourself. What you don't know won't hurt you and in turn, knowing too much will scare you to death. Is punishment at hand for those who choose death over life, those who take no action and let nature take its course? It's like watching a bud wilt just before reaching its full blossom and convince oneself that it has served it's purpose in this world.There's only one way to settle this and that can only be achieved when I gather enough guts to face the verdict. For the first time, I wish I can't trust my own judgment.

Renovating Plain Jane

How does this look to you?

Last week I bumped into a hospital senior flaunting his latest acquisition- a new nose. He (yes it's a he) even showed me the sutures due for removal after a week of the surgery. "Oh, those?I thought they were nose hair." His eyebrows arched upwards after I said that. Why, some people do have nose hair sticking out.

He named several people who underwent the same reconstructive procedure. He told me to check them out coz they all look smashingly better now. The surgeon is an alumnus of our school who trained at St. Luke's hence fellow doctors are grabbing the opportunity for a discount. Get this: the fee is too cheap, a hair rebond would be more expensive! From what I saw, I think the job was well done that I didn't notice something was altered in his face. But of course, it hasn't been a week since he underwent surgery. The swelling hasn't subsided yet.

I toyed around the idea of getting one too. Right after talking to him, I started texting my friends for their opinions. Sharon was worried about my allergic rhinitis. Blowing my nose too hard might bring disastrous results. I was more worried about what people would think if they know I underwent a rather drastic improvement. Will they think less of me? Sharon retorted that from a conservative person's point of view , it might matter. But then again, as my friends agree, it would have to be a personal choice. Whatever makes me happy, I should go for it. Other people's opinions shouldn't matter.

After the excitement died down, I looked at the mirror and thought, I'm quite contented with the way I look now. What bugs me these days are the recurring acnes that challenge my skills in using the concealer.My make up artistry could take care of the nose. Another thing, anything can happen that however good the surgeon is, I might end up a botched beauty. Think Madam Auring or Michael Jackson. Now that's scary. Come to think of it, I don't have intentions of becoming a celebrity, or even working as a model at this age, so why the need of a disarmingly pretty face? As if it would score me points to the heart of Orlando Bloom or bring Rico Yan back to life. Thing with having a pretty face is that guys flock around you just because you look good and they could proudly bring you around town, disregarding the soul beneath the eye-candy. Well, I can't really blame them on that aspect. I prefer eye candies to eye sores too. It's just that you are falsely defined based on your physical attributes. Having a bad hair day just once changes their mind about you in an instant. That's how superficial they are. Perhaps letting them see me without make-ups would leave them running back to their mothers.

I don't know. I'm probably just bored enough to entertain thoughts on "self-renovation". We'll see. If I show up looking dashingly gorgeous one day, then I probably have had something done somewhere. The girl with built-in helmet Ai, told me "actually, you don't need a nose job, what you need is a mammoplasty" Darn, if she were anywhere near me, I would have whacked her head right that moment. She wasn't my groupmate in senior clerkhip, I wonder where she learned the art of poking insults. Hmmm..

No Worries, Folks!

My friends have been texting me after they read my blogs. They are alarmed that I might be going through too much of a rough time to push me into major depression. I have been depressed, alright but I bounce back everytime. Just because I wrote a depressing entry doesn't mean I carry it all along. My blogs reflect my unfiltered thoughts as of the moment, in a day or two things could change.

I'm able to focus better now. I'm happy that I'm learning to read x-rays on my own and arrive at the correct diagnosis. I'm getting the hang of things. Radiology is not like IM where my clerkship, internship and moonlighting backgrounds gave me the confidence to manage patients in less than a month of residency training. Radiology is a whole new learning experience. Even if they don't accept me as the new resident for January, I have other plans laid out so I guess I'm doing okay careerwise.

As to the unworthy one eating up my thoughts, no worries on that. In a few years I'll be reading my blogs and laugh at myself for pining over someone who could be gay all along. Shame on me. Such tragedy. But really, a friend's opinion got me thinking.

I'm looking forward to going back to Manila later this month. Sharon noticed I fancy celebrating my birthdays in Manila. It just happens that a lot of things are up near my birthday. I'm fixing my itinerary this early. I'm due for another rebond. Seeing the results of the new milk rebond on Loi thrills me to get mine too. I'm seeing my friends again after a long time. Most of them are based there right now. I only get to have a social life when I go back to Manila. Pathetic. Now the problem is how to squeeze in the family gatherings in between. Maybe all I need is a change of environment to completely detoxify myself. Otherwise, I'm perfectly fine. Trust me. However, your shows of concern are deeply appreciated!

Fall From Grace

I've been feeling spaced out lately. I read my Paul and Juhl's at 1 hour per page. My thoughts wander as I listen to the songs that play on my car stereo (courting danger, yes). I stare at a perfectly normal x-ray for a long time while my mind drifts away. In an attempt to rationalize things, I still don't get why I'm feeling what I'm feeling. I know he's not the one, can't be the one and I certainly don't want him to be the one. Yet he consumes my thoughts. I think I've been poisoned and I haven't found the antidote to it.

Elaine asks me if he knows what I'm going through, hell no. My pride is all that is left of me now. What, stroke his ego by asking him "so how does it feel to be one who jabs the knife into my hapless soul?" Eww. I'm not giving him that form of flattery. Not until hell freezes over.

At my other blog at xanga, my entries containing my whinings on him generated the most comments. I proclaimed myself healed and switched all of the previous entries to private mode. However, like a cancer that relapses, it's haunting me all over again, pulling me down more than ever. If I can't get this off my system, this would have to be my fall. The end of all the great things for me.

I'm not blaming anyone for this. Like I always say, this is self-inflicted. This is not much about him, this is about me holding on to a lie, to a ludicrous flicker of hope. Clinging to a rotten sentiment is emotionally damaging. I fear its ascent to my brains. When the right one comes along, I wouldn't want him to catch me at such a dysfunctional state. Being damaged up there is not a very alluring quality. Time to gather my composure now and get back to doing my thing.I know I'll be okay. I can handle this with grace.

digression: whoa! ain't it cool to be writing this with "die another day" playing on my background. check the player on the right lower side of this page.

My object of desire

Manufacturer's Description
The EOS 300D Digital is a high-performance, digital AF SLR camera with an ultra-fine CMOS sensor with 6.30 million effective pixels. It is full-featured for all types of shooting, from fully automatic snap shooting to highly creative work. You can use all Canon EF and EF-S lenses and start shooting quickly at any time in any mode. Images can also be printed directly from the camera. CompactFlash cards serve as the camera's recording medium.

Truly drool-worthy. My birthday/christmas wish. During college, my minolta x-700 was my best companion especially during my stint as a photographer for the college yearbook. I never had any formal training in photography, my photo editor filled me in with the technical stuffs. My friend Malou who believes so much in my artistic eye asked me to take pictures during her wedding. It didn't materialize though. Aside from the fact that I'd be wearing a gown to her wedding (imagine me taking shots in a gown), my slr camera just gave up on me. I couldn't control the lights that come in. Its flash went off and I'm using another camera's flash which doesn't measure up. Since it's an old camera, I still have to focus before taking a shot. My eyes aren't in their tiptop condition as well. I can no longer pull off quick candid shots which are my forte. I like capturing emotions... moments. I still use it outdoors, though, with my nieces as my favorite subjects. For a time I stopped playing the photographer and preferred being the subject instead. I just want to keep as many pictures while my wrinkles aren't showing up and look back later in life and see how good I looked (err..why do I get this feeling I'm getting slammed on the head). For now the photographer in me is really itching to get my hands on this canon eos 300D. It will take a while before i save up enough money to buy it though.