Going Nowhere

To say my life hasn't been easy lately would be an understatement. All my life I found solace in God's protective arms. Nothing could go wrong with Him by my side. Lately, I felt He wasn't listening to my prayers anymore. Everything I feared has been coming to life. Everything I've been working for has been yielding the opposite, unwanted effect.I've never been this lost.

At this point, I still cannot bring myself to write a positive blog. My thoughts are still clouded by doubts and resentments. I don't know where this cancer came from. I have no family history of cancer from either side of my parents. My unhealthiest habit would be oversleeping and eating fastfood preparations and lots of chips. I don't even smoke, I hardly drink and I'm not a wild party goer. Keeping emotions to myself is a consideration but has it been that bad to cause me cancer? I'm not on my 5th decade of life, as most cancers occur at this age group. I'm not even 30 yet. Nulliparity is a risk factor, but should I be punished this way for not having kids? I can't even find a decent man for heaven's sake. I could be a living testimony to the fact that at this day and age, a woman has better chances of getting cancer than finding a good man. Even if I did find one, marriage and having kids were out of the question. I had too many dreams to fulfill and plans to pursue. While my counterparts were already making a name for themselves in the corporate world, I barely came out of med school. I was just starting to be financially independent. I find it distressing that instead of spending this time for personal accomplishments, I am forced to confront the physical and emotional pains of cancer.

All my friends are pushing me to start chemotherapy. It's quite a pressure to be a doctor and be surrounded with people in the same profession telling me to submit myself for treatment as soon as possible. At this time, everyone expects to see me in a shaven head, pallid and sick-looking. I'm still very much around in the hospital, still in residency training like nothing happened. I appreciate that I'm allowed to do the things I should do without being constantly reminded that I have cancer. Maybe one thing can makes me apprehensive about going through chemo is the fact that people will look at me with pity once I show up bald and sickly. I wouldn't want that. I have too much pity for myself enough to last me a lifetime. Others are joking that I may be too worried of losing my hair thus I want to skip chemo. Although I'm a self-confessed vanity case, I know when to put inanities in the backseat. There will be ways to be stylish even without my crowning glory, especially now with Natalie Portman sporting a shaven head for an upcoming movie as a prisoner. But Natalie Portman will always be Natalie Portman, as much as Eddie Gil will be Eddie Gil. When I told Sharon that I didn't want to lose my hair, she reminded me "thank God for the inventors of wigs". I replied " but I don't want to look like Eddie Gil". Sharon said amidst my illness I still made her laugh and said "Eddie Gil will always look funny even without a wig. You will be gorgeous even without your hair ". Aww. Guess that's what friends are for, to boost your morale after it suffers a major blow.

Aside from chemo, I still need surgery or radiotherapy for local control of the cancer. After the traumatic experience from my recent surgery of losing the function of my left arm, I don't want to go through that again. To think the operative site at that time was far from the brachial plexus yet I suffered brachial plexopathy. I never felt so disabled in my life. Radiotherapy, an alternative to surgery can also cause lymphedema and with the location of the lesion at the left side, it puts my heart at risk too. The hormonal therapy which I might choose over chemotherapy (though not as effective as the latter) has depression, post-menopausal symptoms and rarely, uterine cancer as side effects. All treatments are just too toxic.

It's been two months after my operation and almost a month after being diagnosed to have breast cancer. I'm standing still and thinking if I want to undergo any of those treatments at all. Most breast cancer survivors hold on to their lives out of love for their kids whose survival are dependent on their existence. No one's existence is dependent on me. It would be easier for me to go.My family is coping well though my mom has been frequenting the church lately, praying for a miracle. I learned from my brother that mom has been crying and kept saying she should have been the one who got the cancer. That really crushed me. I could take all cancers in the world as long as the ones I love will be spared. My mom has been protecting me for too long. I don't want to see her suffer because of me. I want her to think I can go through this bravely. Maybe Sarah was right, if I don't choose to be treated, it will be very selfish of me. I would be inconsiderate of the feelings of the people who value me and want me alive. But then, maybe they will understand. My surgeon invited me to a lunch meeting just so she could convince me to go for chemo. I don't know. I really don't know. I'm too stubborn to listen to anyone at this time.

I will be on a solo retreat on August. I want to know what God is trying to tell me. I need spiritual healing more than anything right now.Hopefully I'll find answers and start thinking more clearly when I get back. I still haven't found the purpose of my existence, yet I'm at a situation where I'm forced to make a conclusion of my life. I don't want to be a meaningless entity who came and went. I don't want to be lost forever.