I have decided to put my blogging on hold at this site . I've become such a thought pollutant enough to scream to the world that I have evolved into such a big loser. I've been evoking pity which I never welcomed.
I can't pretend that with this rough patch I'm traveling, I continue to be a woman of serenity. I am in distress and I cannot conceal it. However, I am aware that I make only a tiny fraction of all the walking wounded in this world. We all carry a cross and it just happens that I am still overwhelmed with my cross that I'm at a loss as how to carry it. Other people's sufferings are worse than mine and just because I have cancer doesn't make me special.Yet I have fatally nurtured my wounds enough to give it personality and the power to breathe life to my new destructive self. I have allowed my wounds to define my existence.
I am thankful for all the blessings that came in my life, and those blessings include all the people who never left my side, who continue to see me through in these darkest hours. The biggest mistake I've made was to shrug away the love and care handed to me by the world, just because I didn't matter to the one who meant the world to me. The left side of my chest including the structure beneath its surface has been a wreck. Cancer caught me just as I was nursing the pains of rejection.It's ironic that the one who could give you the greatest will to live can also be your reason to succumb to death, thus I have given cancer the privilege to swallow me whole. I have far exceeded my limits to stupidity. I cannot make more room for it.
My mind seriously needs an overhaul. Its unhealthy run has got my life on the line. I am faced with tough choices right now. Surgery or radiation. Chemo or hormonal therapy. Alternative or Allopathic medicine. Hate or forgive. Let go or hold on. Survive or surrender. Live or die. While I decide, I will take a much needed hiatus to spare the world of my sick ideations. I'm afraid if I put too much burden on my friends, I might start losing all of them.
I'm channeling this toxic mental catharsis into a more private venue where it cannot pose harm to the ones I value, until I find a reason to smile again in a manner that isn't fleeting, until I learn to thrive amidst adversities and until I learn to free myself from the bondage of these self-made chains. Maybe I'll find my true reason to live, a reason that is enduring. Maybe I'll find my own miracle in time and inspire others to seek theirs. To find them, I must find myself first. Now is the time to do just that. I must leave, for now.
So long.
9 comments:
Being "conscious" is the key to that feeling you are suffering right now, or experiencing for the lighter sense. I am so glad that someone like you with power continues to journey whatever this world is about to give. Can we exchange links?
I'm confused. Sorry. Is this blog a compilation of fiction strories and works of other people being quoted? Thanks... I'm impressed with those things I've read. More power!
To be happy or not is also one of those choices we make everyday. I think naman that you've chosen to be happy. :) I'm glad that you've chosen to be strong, reflective, and brave enough to express and air out your feelings. Go girl! :) Here's to choices! :)
ayie: there are touching pieces and quotes written by great authors that appear on this blog and they are given due credits.unfortunately the contents of this blog are mostly nonfictional and are accounts of what i've been going through. i wish though that this was just one big nightmare.
claire: thanks for visiting. this means a lot to me. you are among those writers that are very sensitive to issues that affect most women today. your write-ups in cosmo are empowering. thank you so much.
Girl, let go of the bitterness in your heart and hold on to hope, to life, and to those who value you for the beautiful woman that you are, inside out. You say that maybe you'll find your own miracle in time and inspire others to seek theirs. But you know what? You already are an inspiration. =)
Grace, although we have not met personally, I feel for you. I can see that you're a great person and it's a pity I never met you when I got the chance. I hope we get to meet when you visit Manila. Just hold on, Grace. Whatever you're going thru, you're gonna make it! I also love the song selections you have...it makes me cry... Take care. I will look forward to your future entries here! Please do write soon, I love everything you write - totally inspiring!
When dealing with a large "cross", sometimes you just have to lie there with the damn thing pressing down on you for a while until you finally get fed up with not being to move. Then you get up, shoulder it, and press on.
A lame analogy, perhaps, but the meaning is that being overwhelmed, and wanting to go to a quiet place and lick your wounds is a pretty normal response.
When you're ready, you'll emerge and "kick butt".
Signed: Anonymous, two years post-diagnosis, and been through the whole routine.
People often talk about "bottoming out". but the truth is there is no bottom. you can fall forever.
but once you find out there's no bottom, then you don't need to wait until you the ground before getting up.
you can pull up at any time. you don't have to do it all at once. you don't have to do it every minute. just a little for now, then a little more.
in sneakers: thanks for checking on my blog even if i've stopped writing already. i still continue to read your posts too and that thing which your boyfriend said about you (that online pda) was so cute and a major kilig moment.
loi: thanks for the prayers and the comment at my friendster blog. it's unfortunate that you weren't at the k-sisterhood party when i was in manila. but i still hope we'll see each other soon. sorry for the song selections that made you cry. nagsesenti kasi ang lola mo eh. :( hopefully, i'll write again soon, when i'm ready. thanks for the encouragement.
anonymous: i'm not sure if you're one and the same but thanks for dropping by. i presume you got to this blog because of dr. emer's grand rounds. it's inspiring to hear from people who went through the same difficult situation yet managed to rise above it all.i know it won't be easy , but in time, i do hope i can emerge triumphant just like you. thanks.
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