The Blessed Season

Radiation Mutation

Poster Boy

Nope, I'm not a big fan of Jay-r so I won't be caught dead posting his pictures on my blog. You're looking at his deadringer, Dr. Jerome who rotated in our department last month. He's apparently my first model who sparked up my interest in reviving my photography skills.

A week ago, I scheduled a photo shoot with the brother of Ruby (one of our interns). I took notice of his talent through Ruby's friendster photos. I told Ruby we'll hire him. My friends and I are bent on this outdoor pictorial which is something we want to do before we grow old or settle down (which ever comes first). Unfortunately, I had the worst time trying to nail the agreement as the appointed photographer wouldn't reply to my texts. Hence I cancelled and decided to take matters into my own hands, to shoot the photos myself.

I hardly explored the features of my canon ixus digicam ever since I bought it. The other day I brought the camera's manual to work and while reading it, I directed the camera on Jerome to try it. Being the self-confessed narcissist that he is, he began posing and wouldn't stop. Never mind if it freaked out the people entering the reading room.

Even if I was behind the camera, and not posing for it, as I always do, I had fun. I promised Jerome I'll give him copies and I'm posting now the edited versions of some of the pics I shot. He says he fancies seeing his face on the billboards. These shots should feed his fantasies for now.

Anyone willing to teach me new photo tricks or volunteer as my next guinea pig, err, model, can get in touch with me. No nudes, though. Unless you're Luke Jickain. By the way, Jerome arranged for a nude pictorial with Ruby's brother next week. That's something I couldn't volunteer shooting. Besides, he couldn't let me handle that coz he fears I'll sell the pics to his patients. Hehe. Good luck to both of them.

New Guy I'm Seeing Every Night

Of course Chris is the only love of my life. No way is Nathan Scott replacing him, but this eye candy has been keeping me up for the past few nights, on my "One Tree Hill" marathon, that is. The culprit for my dark eye circles and nap sessions at the reading room. He's the bad ass Nathan Scott who transforms into the guy every girl would fall for, including the goody two shoes Haley James. Yeah, I know that's pretty high school-ish but watch the show and find yourself getting hooked as well.

Kate Bosworth can have Orlando Bloom to herself now, I got a new dreamboat in James Lafferty. And yeah, Chris dear, he may have my eyes but you got my heart. *wink*

So Long, Doc Frankie

click here to view Doc Frankie's speech at the silver linings event last Septmber 2005

I just got a text from our breast cancer support group that my surgeon, Doc Frankie has passed away this morning. My mind was still trying to grasp the terrible news when my tears started flowing.

I didn't know where the tears where coming from -guilt feelings, fear, or regret. Guilt because I was in the same city she was having her treatment yet I didn't bother to pay her a visit. Our consultant who is likewise a breast cancer survivor mentioned to me a few weeks ago that Doc Frankie has been deteriorating. She had suffered complications from her liver metastasis. Lately, her ascites worsened and they were draining about a liter of peritoneal fluid per day. I knew that was bad news but I never acted on it. I didn't even text her to cheer her up, like she always did to me when I was undergoing my chemotherapy and about to start my now cancelled radiotherapy.Fear, because all along she was doing fine. She was radiant and beautiful who made life meaningful by helping others through her profession.She had a loving husband with whom she fought her life's battles. Yet despite the vibrance and strength, cancer caught up with her again. Regret, because she was someone this world needs. Compassionate and understanding, she was more than a surgeon to me.

The stubborn patient that I am, she invited me out for lunch just so she could convince me to go through chemotherapy. It was at that time when I didn't care whether I live or not, as long as I didn't feel pain when I die. Pain was then a major staple in my life.Death was a friend who would take it all away.Doc Frankie patiently discussed my options until I could finally view life as the right and only choice. It wasn't easy but she succeeded in teaching me to be brave.

She introduced me to our breast cancer support group composed of amazing women who inspire others to live. She constantly invited me to activities that would help me get better. From group meetings to a healing session with a priest.Since she was a surgery consultant at the hospital where I work, she would sometimes drop by the reading room to announce an activity cooking up. More than my doctor, she was a friend. When she broke the news that I had cancer, I could swear, I saw tears welling up in her eyes, while I listened calmly, but in denial.

Doc Frankie was strong yet emotional person who was not afraid to cry. She was remembered by most of our i can serve sisters as the "crying lady" while she delivered her testimony at the silver linings event. One of the more prominent figures in the group said, she wishes she could look as good as Doc Frankie while crying. She was also the ever dependable doctor who shed light to medical topics in our egroup.

Doc Frankie was diagnosed with breast cancer about the same age I was. Likewise, she was on residency training when the disease struck. She was stage 2, like me. About 4 years later, they found bone metastases to her spine, requiring her another round of radiotherapy. On February this year, a week after our healing mass, the cancer spread to her liver, necessitating chemotherapy again, a nightmare which cancer patients dread repeating.She kept in touch while on treatment and I told her, "doc, pagaling ka ha".My healer was sick. I got bothered everytime I heard news about her health. It was depressing know that the person whom I drew my strength from was suffering more and more.

Last I heard, visitors weren't allowed at her hospital room. Last week I made a mental note to visit her at the hospital when I learned she wasn't doing well. Several times last week, I wanted to text her but somehow I always forgot to do so. Today, it is all too late. My cheer-up messages or my presence would no longer count. She could no longer hear me when I say thank you when I visit her wake. Cancer is a bitch.

Doc Frankie,I know you're in a better place now,free from all the pain, in God's loving arms. It was a battle well-fought...We'll miss you.

Ghost At The Radio Office

In Memoriam

Colombian-American singer Soraya, who won a Latin Grammy for best female album in 2004 and worked to educate Hispanic women about breast cancer, died Wednesday after battling the disease. She was 37. She died in a Miami hospital, said Lorena Oriani, a spokeswoman for her record label, EMI Latin.
She was born in New Jersey to Colombian parents in 1969 and was found to have breast cancer in 2000.
Her greatest hits were “Solo Por Ti” and “Casi,” both released in 2003 on the album “Soraya.” She was well known for integrating cumbia and flamenco music with her own style of pop-rock. Besides her Latin Grammy in 2004, she won a Billboard Latin Music Spirit of Hope award that year. In 2005 she was nominated for a Latin Grammy for female pop vocal album for “El Otro Lado De Mi.”
In a letter posted on her Web site Tuesday in Spanish, she wrote to her fans about her battle with cancer. She said she was sure her life was ending. “I have not lost this battle, because I know the fight was not in vain,” she said. “Instead, it will help end a larger battle, which is early detection to prevent this terrible disease.”

source:hollywood.outsidethebeltway.com

God's Living Miracle For Me

Today, May 2, 2006, it's been a month since Chris and I got back together. I haven't been blogging about it coz I was too happy and pre-occupied with things around me.

I know people, especially those who don't know Chris personally, would be cynical about this, with the sad thing that has happened between us recently but I've never been happier my whole life. Past is past.I can never imagine myself with another guy now. Suddenly, all my bitter and painful memories of my past unrequited loves have paid off. I know soon, my friends would understand. They would realize how wonderful he is and why of all people, it's Chris that I have fallen for.

Things are different now, with him being sure about himself and his priorities in life. Finally, I now know how it feels to have someone special in my life who makes me feel really loved without me having to beg for it.

I could not ask not more except that God keeps us both safe and that we spend a long, healthy life together. He's someone who makes me wish I could live longer. I want to take care of him as much as he takes care of me.

Chris, I thank God for you. I'm glad I waited this long for you.

Because He Loves Me

Academy Awards Night

kidding on that. the following are pics taken during the xu batch 2006 grad ball. i was given the privilege to be a part of their special night. more pics to follow. these ones will do for for now. yeah, i know what you're thinking.

I Love You...Goodnight

My phone just beeped. I hurriedly picked it up hoping it was him. Fat chance. It was Alex. Don't get me wrong, I have been blessed to have a great friend like Alex and I don't know what I would've done if she weren't by my side at the time when my world just crumbled. She was the first friend I called the minute the boy I loved walked out of the door and out of my life. I couldn't contain my feelings as I was speaking to Alex over the phone. I could hardly catch my breath. I was crying hysterically over the phone. She was worried like hell as to what happened to me. She wanted to come over and check on me but she had her kid with her at some place where it was difficult to commute. She was among the few who knew about my love story. She was the one who made me realize that I was indeed in love with him. The other friend aware of it was Retchie. She was alarmed by how I sounded over the phone. She told me she was coming over to be with me at the hospital where I was on duty. I needed someone to talk to. A part of me just died. Retchie slept at the wooden chairs that night just to make sure I'd be alright. Alex on the other hand lost touch due to the poor signal in the place she was staying at. Little did I know that she just launched world war III with the one I loved. I didn't mean to make my friends hate him but I understood what they were feeling. When Retchie came over, I instructed her not to be mean to him, that I'd handle the situation.

That night, before going to sleep, he texted me like nothing's changed. He said his I love you, good night line. I didn't know what to feel. I honestly liked the idea that he still loved me. That put me to a sound sleep despite all the hurts I was feeling. At the same time I was confused where I really stood in his life. The next day, we saw each other. We had breakfast before we went to mass. We made that plan a few days back, when we were still together and decided to push through with the plan even after the worst thing happened. I delivered my lines while he sat and listened. He didn't have much to say except he was sorry. The words I wanted to hear from him didn't come out, though..the words that say he wanted me back and didn't mean everything he said the previous night.

During mass, he squeezed my hand so tight before letting it go. It was an agony to be beside him yet missing him already. When he got off the car, he thanked me and pressed my hand again. I held it tight that I never wanted to let it go. I drove away with tears blurring my vision. I had to park briefly at the next corner and let out a good cry. The pain was too much to handle. But then nobody dies of a broken heart. It just bleeds while you go on living. That moment, I didn't see the point of living.

At home, I talked to my good friend Mama Fe and cried over the phone once more before I dozed off to sleep. Upon waking up, I found myself weeping again after realizing that I no longer have him in my life.

Last night he still texted me if I was awake and said his good night. No I love you this time. But I was happy that I was still on his mind. Little things like this make me happy now. I was a beggar for his affection. The next thing he texted was that "I guess I shouldn't be texting you for the meantime so you can forget about me and the pain I caused. I didn't mean to come this far of being hurtful to you. I'm sorry." I disagreed and asked him to take it slow as he weans himself from me. Losing him so quickly would hurt like hell. He never replied after that.

This morning I was checking my phone for like every 30 minutes if he had his good morning messages, the things I looked forward to as I wake up everyday. They never arrived. Tonight I stare at my phone all the time hoping for a miracle. I wonder what he could be doing now. If he still thinks of me at all. I was tempted to let him know how much I still love him but it would only hurt both of us. I miss his I love yous before going to sleep. I miss the thought of having somebody who thinks of me before he tucks himself to bed. His loving words were my lullabies. Now, I have but the silence of the night to put me to sleep.

I sorely miss him. I still don't understand how two people in love with each other can't be together. Maybe love is too complicated beyond my grasp. I just wanted to be happy and happiness for me meant sharing my love with him. For now, the only thing I could think of to ease the pain is that he deserves to be happy. I want his happiness even if it means me not being a part of his life.

Life has too many mysteries that are difficult to understand. I shall take refuge in the thought that God heals.

Tonight, I wish him beautiful dreams.

When Love Hurts

He was a friend I cherished, an adorable, cute, nice guy but not someone I would typically fall for. What I knew was that I liked having him around and missed him when he's nowhere in sight. I was a prankster who made his life miserable by poking jokes at him all the time. He reciprocated and we would end up laughing. He was the sweetest, most thoughtful guy I ever knew. He was there for me when I was struggling against cancer. He made me feel special. He was fascinating. Suddenly, I was entertaining the thought that there was something more than friendship in his mind. He occasionally made a pass on me but I didn't mind them because for me, he was just being a nice friend who was trying to boost my ego. Then I had dreams about him all the time. I woke up one day not knowing what hit me. I told my friend Ai that I think I was starting to like someone but wasn't exactly sure about my feelings. It was complicated. Our age difference, our status at work and most importantly, the rule at the hospital that prohibits a special friendship between our kind. I was trying to fight off my feelings.

One day we were hanging out together when he told me he had a crush on me all along and that he was falling for me. I almost put the car to a screeching brake upon hearing his revelation. I was driving when he made this confession. I didn't know how to react. I was certain that I liked him, but I wasn't sure if that was out of friendship or if it was something more. I tried escaping the moment by making a joke out of it but he persisted and asked what he was to me. Finally, I blurted out, "of course you stand a chance with me". He was overjoyed and couldn't believe I actually said that. I was trying to figure out my feelings for him. He had flaws and I was beginning to find them cute instead of apalling. That was when I knew I had fallen for him. A week after his revelation, we discussed the issues that were possible obstacles to our path. He said he has long accepted me for what I was, even despite my illness. I was swept away. That night, I listened to my heart. He became the prince I had been waiting for all my life. We officially became a couple. He said he could never believe someone as beautiful as me could go for someone like him. I countered him, "you know, I'm the luckier one because you're such a rare gem and you're mine now." Life has been a bed of roses since then. A miracle unfolded right before my eyes. For the first time I knew how it was to be loved back by someone I adored. He made me feel like a princess. I thanked the heavens for giving him to me.

It hasn't been easy. We kept it secret and decided to let it out in the open once he graduates. We were living like fugitives. He admitted he may not be good in handling the relationship. I was his first. I assured him I was willing to help him out with that, to be beside him and grow with him. I wanted to learn from him as much as I wanted him to learn from me. He did things that made me upset. He was too busy with everything that I had to remind him I still existed I was thinking about him all the time. From little things like delayed text replies to the issues on the girl he used to fancy and his friends preferring her over me for him, we had conflicts that we tried to resolve. I admired him even more for listening to my concerns, for accepting his faults and being willing to learn from it.

He would visit while I was on duty and sang for me over the phone when he got home because he knew how lonely it was to go on solo duty in Radiology. I loved him even more for that. There was always his nice smile plastered on his face that tells how in love he was with me. We were so happy together. For some reason, he was always in a hurry to go some place else. He gave me that cute apologetic look that he had to go. He sensed that as much as possible, I wanted to have him around longer but I had no choice but to let him go. It pained him to see that expression on my face everytime he's about to leave. Somehow he always had his hands full of responsiblities, he was always in a rush and he was always too tired. That bothered me. When I'm in love with someone, however tired I may be, when the love of my life wants my presence, I never seem to feel the stress. I am energized by his mere thought. I didn't see that in him.

Days went by, he disclosed that he might be busy as hell in the following days. As much as I wanted to spend time with him, talk to him about how my day went, I stretched my understanding and let things be. But i missed him too much that I couldn't stand it. We were in the same building all the time and I hardly saw him. I was aching to catch even just a glimpse of him. I was practically begging for his time. Just a little time was all I asked. Apparently, it brought out the monster in me. I was texting things that hurted him so much and I was hinting that I wanted a break. Of course I didn't mean it. The reaction I was hoping to get from him was that he'd fight for his love and win me all the more. But this did not happen.

Yesterday, I was excited to see him. I was ready to apologize for being such a bitch. I prepared food for us to share. I was on duty. Then he dropped the bomb. I must have acted possessive and insecure that he couldn't take it any longer. He wanted his way out. He wanted to think things over. He said things happened too fast that he was afraid of hurting me all the more if things went on. He assured me that he still loved me but we needed this break. Our love story was just in its introductory pages and he was already ending it. I asked if he could see me in his future, he replied "probably". I wanted to die. The man who I thought was crazy about me wasn't sure if he still wanted me. I hated myself. I must have been that bad to make him change his mind in a week. He put me up a pedestal. I fell off it, it hurt so bad that I was starting to feel some fractured appendages. From a princess, I have been turned into the lowest form of creature, lower than a fungus.

You'll never know what you got until you lose it. Perhaps I had been a total bitch. Perhaps I'm not someone worth loving. Perhaps he wasn't mature enough to handle a relationship. Perhaps he didn't love me enough to forgive me and give me a second chance. He was firm about wanting a break. I honestly don't understand what went wrong.

I thought he was the one. I thought I finally found someone who would stand by me through all my joys and pains who was willing to accept me for what I am despite my flaws. I thought he was my answered prayer. In the end, He was given to me not to love me but to test by strength even more.

Someday, when the boy I've learned to love finally grows up, I hope he realizes the pain he has caused and doesn't do it to somebody else. No woman deserves such cruelty from a guy who was too nice to be hated yet too selfish to take his love back from a girl who has helplessly fallen for him. An angel just broke my heart. If he only knew how much I've loved him. I'm beginning to miss him too much that it stings.

Maybe I just wasn't meant to be loved. Not in this lifetime.

When will all my sufferings end?

If I believed by Patti Austin.....sigh....

if I believed in paradise
I`d swear I must be there
I`d swear I must be there right now with you
if I believed in miracles
I`d know that one was happening to me
but if I don`t believe in paradise
and miracles aren`t real
then someone tell me what is this I feel
I wanna believe it`s love this time
I wanna believe my heart`s not telling me a lie
but with you I can`t deny
that if I believed in paradise
I`d swear I`m there
if I believed in magic spells
it all would be so clear
a magic spell must have brought you here
if I could see the future
I`d see if you and I were meant to be
but I don`t know any magic
and tomorrow`s just a dream
then something in this fantasy is real
(repeat chorus)
I wanna believe it`s love this time
I wanna believe my heart`s not telling me a lie
I wanna believe it`s love
I wanna believe my heart`s not telling me a lie
but with you I can`t deny
that if I believed in paradise
I`d swear I`m there
I`m there
I`m there
if I believed

My Prince Has Finally Come

12:15 AM, March 4, 2006-- this adorable guy officially became the prince I have been waiting for, all my life. He's definitely worth the wait. Chris, I thank God for you.

Love Sucks In Mysterious Ways

Sharon, Mama Fe, Elaine... there's nothing to update you about anymore. Guess I was a little too late. Better luck next lifetime.

I condemn guys who give mixed signals yet here I am, unintentionally playing with someone's feelings. What the hell is wrong with me? Maybe love doesn't come to me not because I'm too picky. It's for the simple but unacceptable reason that I don't know how to love. Sometimes I wish life comes with a manual that tells you what to do next. I'm at a loss for the next maneuver.

I think I just drove away someone who might be the one.

To hell with love. Whoever said it was for me, anyway?

The Return

Yeah, I know my blog has gathered enough dusts and grown cobwebs everywhere but I've been busy with things lately that I haven't had the time to update this site.

I'm making this entry short. Uhh... I did something stupid again. I spent last Wednesday, a day after valentines, crying. And it was of my own doing. Or maybe it was just one of those post-valentines depression, if there's such a thing. At that time I really wanted to talk to someone. Preferrably my kadyosas, my friends who act like an older sister to me in times of crises like that. Elaine just texted in time while i was sobbing hysterically in my bed. Unfortunately she was in the middle of something (no, she wasn't making ger-ger. ahehe! she had paperworks that time) so we had to cut our conversation short.

Earlier, I just talked to Sharon and Mama Fe over the phone. I had to talk to either of them for I could no longer contain the things that were bothering me. I could not really write in detail what really happened but both of them agreed that I have to do some damage control, quick. God, I hope it's not too late.