Crossroads

A quitter, a risk-taker, a rule-breaker.. Those were words I never thought would describe me, until the day I left from residency training.

I quit Internal Medicine not because I was too weak to face the odds. Sure, I had my share of whippings from some consultants who belonged to the old school of thought where insults were the best way to teach, but those were nothing compared to the flaks we got as senior clerks (4th year medical students). Back then we were the lowest form of animals at the hospital. We had to swallow our pride and take all the insults coming from our seniors just because we were that-- lowest form of animals.But then I survived. Maybe it's because we didn't have a choice back then. If I gave up that early, my 3 years of med school wouldn't have meant anything. The most coveted title of MD wouldn't have been etched to my name if I didn't finish my clerkship. This time it's different. I enjoy a well-earned respect as a doctor whose decisions spell the difference between life and death.A resident whose positive feedbacks should have inspired her to keep going despite the back-breaking load of work. Why give up now? Was I emotionally unfit to play the game? Hmm...I'm perfectly sane, for how long, that I don't know. Were the obstacles too tough for me to hurldle? Not really. I was thinking, If this was something I truly loved, I would have fought for it and faced the challenges head-on just to prove how much I wanted it. The difference between clerkship and now is that presently, I have other options, specialties I could choose from.

Dermatology was my first love. However, I've realized, sometimes the things we love don't love us back. There were circumstances beyond my control that prevented me from being a Dermatologist, no matter how badly I wanted it. The training programs in Dermatology available in this country are either too competitive to get into or can bring you below poverty line. Yes, some residency programs do not come with a salary. At some institutions, you even have to pay around P80,000 per year of training. If I were a Cojuangco or an Ayala, I would've probably went on with it.


I loved dermatology but it didn't love me back, so it must not have been for me. Internal Medicine loved me but I didn't love it enough to live with it's miseries.What am I talking about? Does this all boil down to love? Funny, cause my friends have been asking me if my quitting had something to do with that schmuck who broke my heart. Honestly, the most part he played in my decision was putting me into an emotional turbulence that pushed me into greater stress that finally made me give in. Otherwise, I would've been my usual self, struggling, persisiting, wondering what life might have been if I pursued something else.In other words, anything but a risk-taker. Taking risks in love is a whole-different story, that I didn't take. They say look before you leap. From what I saw, I decided not to take a leap. Oh well. Again, on risk-taking as to my career-change, I wasn't afraid of the responsibilities that came with being an internist, I was more afraid of living the life I didn't want. So I took the risk.

My folks would've loved seeing me become an internist but when I told them I was quitting, surprisingly, they did not object. They must have seen the worn-out look in my eyes. I will surely miss making urgent decisions critical to the survival of my patients, I will miss hearing my name called at the paging system, and I will miss all the people who made a difference in my brief stint as an internal medicine resident. I'm not bothered about the department for I know they will soon find a better replacement for me, someone who's more willing to take on the challenges of being a resident doctor at such a toxic department.

Have I continued my training, I would surely be on my way to becoming a highly respected specialist. That's why some prefer to suffer and finish the residency and go through more years of subspecialty because it was a sure way to securing a comfortable future. I thought about that too but somehow it's just not for me. I'm setting my sights now on Radiology, a more laid back specialty. I've been reading the cosmo July 2004 with an article on "getting a professional face-lift", it says the most common reasons why women switch from one career to another are 1.) burn out 2.) boredom 3.)they want to develop other talents. For me it's number 1 and 3. By taking Radiology as a specialty, I still get to be a Doctor, saving lives albeit indirectly. At the same time I get to hone my other skills, photography for one.Who knows, I may one day fullfill my dreams of building my own studio, travelling to Europe just to take pictures. After all Radiology is like taking pictures except that the Rad tech is the photographer, and we look through a much deeper perspective, deep enough to penetrate into peoples' bones . I hope I'll be happy now.