Taking Flight

My wounds have formed scar tissues, my affected arm functions adequately, albeit weaker than normal, my biopsy result showed the tumor wasn't malignant. I have resumed work. To say I'm cured is one thing but to claim I'm healed is another issue. I watched my progress and noticed that despite my improvements physically, something inside me was still screaming in pain. Some wounds inside were still gaping and risking complications.

My training in medicine is of the traditional, conventional form. But I feel there is more to medicine than healing the physical body. I believe in treating each patient on a more wholistic approach. I recognize that there are several elements that influence a person's health. The emotional, mental, and spiritual forces do contribute to an individual's total well being. I turned to alternative medicine not because I didn't trust the conventional way of management given me, but because I believed it could maximize my healing, alongside traditional medicine. After surgery and physical therapy, I submitted myself for alternative medicine. Sessions of acupuncture and rhythmic body oiling are curently being done. Thing with alternative medicine is, no doctor cure you more than you can heal yourself. Maybe it was incidental, considering that the nerves affected were due for regrowth, hence restoring the normal functions of the muscles, in turn bringing back my left arm to its functional state after a month. Then again, maybe the alternative interventions did speed up my recovery.

I do subscribe to the idea that confusing your cells can cause you unwanted newgrowths in the body. Maybe I confused myself too much to the point of triggering tumors. I think that the emotional turbulence I suffered through the years contributed a whole lot to the mass that formed in my left breast. I am not speaking as a doctor. The views I am sharing in this blog may not be validated by scientific evidence. At this point, allow me to articulate my thoughts as a patient recuperating, taking charge of her own healing.

I am the type who holds grudges, who forgives but doesn’t forget. I have a lot of bottled-up emotions, threatening to burst anytime into disastrous proportions. Mentally, I wasted time running useless thoughts, mostly on persons who weren’t even worth thinking of and were unapologetic of the pains they have caused. Physically, I have an unhealthy sleeping habit. I turn the night into day and day into night, screwing up my body clock thus crashing my immune system. Spiritually, my busy schedule caused me to drift away from the One true source of strength. In general, there were unhealthy facets in me that I failed to recognize earlier and attacked when I was weakest, zapping all the energy thriving in me.

I am employing the alternative methods to strengthen the overlooked aspects of myself and to strike a healthy balance in life. Among the things I need to learn is to let go. The rejections, failures, resentments and insecurities are still clinging like a lint to its blood source. In an attempt to rationalize things, I am left with questions that remain unanswered. What happened, why it happened and what to do about it. In every experience, there’s a lesson to be learned. This is a vital point in living, otherwise a self-destructive cycle is perpetuated that stagnates one's growth. However, pondering on useless thoughts, fighting for a lost cause, which I have I penchant for, do not do me any good. Maybe I should leave certain unresolved mysteries in life as that. Maybe in time, the answers will be unraveled. Or perhaps, in time, the answers wouldn’t be significant after all. I need to distinguish which battles are worth fighting and which to let pass and not waste my energy on.

This total healing process will take long. It is more comforting to believe that everything happens for a reason. It was a close call with the big C, but I know there’s a reason why I was spared, that there’s a role I still have to play in life and there are important lessons I ought to draw from the experience. Difficult turn of events are a spiritual journey for me. I will be encountering more challenges as I go along but I can only hope that these circumstances will make me stronger and wiser, bring out the best in me and not push me into becoming an angsty, bitter and more insecure person than I already am. The physical impact of this ordeal has shaken my self-confidence even more but I'm slowly picking up the pieces and getting myself back on track. For now, as I regain my strength, as I mend my broken wings, I will unload the unnecessary baggage that deters me from taking flight. Life has to go on, the ugly scars need not cause the crash to my total being.