Bull's Eye

ROSE: Have you ever been in love?

DESIRE: You might say that.

ROSE: Horrible, isn't it?

DESIRE: In what way?

ROSE: It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "Maybe we should just be friends" or "How very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way to your heart.

DESIRE: How picturesque.

ROSE: It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that.

Especially not love.

I hate love.

-The Kindly Ones, Sandman by Gaiman

Apples, Monkeys and Bananas

"Women are like apples on trees, the best ones are on the top of the tree. The men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and don't want to get hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't so good but easy. So, the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top because they value quality."

-Anonymous

I often get this text message from well-meaning friends who only want to reassure me that there is nothing wrong with me. I appreciate the thought but somehow this got me thinking. I really don't mind staying atop the tree forever til the day I drop to the ground and die.The ones who climb all the way to the top are not necessarily the valiant knights we have been waiting for, because some men with monkey-like attributes climb towards your direction, mistaking you for a banana. Only then that it saddens me that there was no prince in sight to save you from the monkeys. You can only hope that these apples will grow wings so they can escape from the disgust.

Yes, I know I'm being a bitch.

Bald and Beautiful

The boyfriend I never had.

A Sign of Boredom

Lord, if you can't give me Marco B., then just make me as gorgeous as this girl. But first, please cure me of my cancer. (I can almost hear God saying "Grasya, sumosobra ka na yata")

This Brought Me Close To Tears

Click the thumbnail to view the video

Extra Challenge

In a few hours I'll be off to my second cycle of chemo. Just the thought of it makes me wanna puke again. While most women of my age are preoccupied with either living out their dreams in their chosen career paths or seducing men, here I am conquering some monster in the form of cancer. What an adventure.

There's that tone of bitterness again. Most likely, it has to do with the latter preoccupation of women my age. Whether or not I have cancer, that wouldn't be among my special skills anyway. As if.

God Spoke To me

Last Thursday, I had my CBC taken. My WBC dropped to 1.5 (normal is 5-10) my hemoglobin was 10 (normal at least 12). That night, my hair started falling off. It was an unnerving experience to say the least. The fact that I was severely immunocompromised was bothering. If I get infected today, tomorrow I could be under the respirator. Seeing the chunks of my hair all over was discomforting as well. It was a difficult time to be brave. The following day, when I got inside the car and switched the radio on, this song played. That moment, I knew God was telling me something. He was making His presence felt.

HEALING by Deniece Williams

Now that we have gotten through
One more fall
I can just admit I've got it all
Cause I do
Cause I've got you
We've crossed these battle lines to many times
It passes throught the heart
But it never leaves a mark

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more clue
One more chance that wasnt there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling
Lord I know that Your love is healing

I've kicked around those lines in my head
But I've never listened to the words that You said
See where its lead
Well I know I have it now
Cause You showed me how
And all I had to do
Was just to keep my eyes on You

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more clue
One more chance that wasnt there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling
Lord I know that Your love is healing

(break)

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more clue
One more chance that wasnt there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling

Lord I know that Your love is healing

Like Nothing's Changed

Last Friday, my real hair was all over the reading room so I started wearing a wig. I'm trying to look normal except that I wear a mask all the time at work.

Faking It

I stroll at the malls with my wig on. I get paranoid when people look at me. Ever since I started wearing a wig,sales ladies are extra nice to me,male sales clerks are trying to start a conversation with me. It makes me wonder if it shows that I have cancer and the world is being sympathetic with me. Or if they could tell it's a wig atop my head.It leaves me feeling like a freak.

My Hair A Week Before It Started Falling Off

When I had long hair, I looked girly and flirty. With this hair, it appears as though I could kick balls (kicking ass is too easy. kicking balls takes skills and gives you that satisfying howling sound.) Wait til you see me in my shaven head. With it, I could pass for someone who's been convicted of some asshole's murder.

"I Can Eat" Dinner

At Tita Vicky's Home in Valle Verde
photos courtesy of Marissa N.

A Duckling Lost in a Flock of Eagles

ok, so maybe i'm not a duckling but an eaglet, who will someday soar too
photo taken from icanserve.com

Wa Poise Picture

I wasn't trying to draw out something dangerous there, trust me
Photo taken from icanserve.com

A League of Extraordinary Women

My surgeon, Doc Frankie, who, like me is battling cancer, invited me to join this group. After being diagnosed with the disease, I just wanted to curl up and die. I chose not to be treated. My doctor went out of her way to convince me to choose life. She was reaching out to me not as an attending physician but as a friend. With hesitation, I signed up with the group. Deep down, I wondered if I deserved to be among them. They were brave, positive and inspiring, everything that I wasn't. Some of them are prominent figures in media while the rest are successful women in their respective fields. All of them strong and determined to fight cancer. I felt like a lost duckling in a flock of eagles. I hardly participated in the exchange of emails among members.

In the Breast Cancer forum which they organized lately, I got to meet them personally. We members could identify one another with our distinct name tags. When they saw me, they welcomed me with much warmth, hugged me like they've known me for ages. There were unspoken words that said, "I know exactly how you feel". Although they call themselves survivors, they were aware that the struggle of a cancer patient extends beyond treatment and remission. Most of them, though finished with treatments know that there will always be the possibility of recurrence, for as long as we live. Hence the need to draw strength from one another.They offered words of encouragement and hope. In the dinner they hosted for members from outside of Manila, I got to chat with them more.I never felt like an outsider. Their presence was comforting and not the least bit intimidating, even if I got a little starstrucked by some of them sometimes. They were a happy bunch. Their positive outlook was contagious. They were all so full of life, with no trace of cancer that once hit them.

Being diagnosed with cancer is like being issued an open ticket to the afterlife. You know that anytime you could go, you just don't know when exactly. It's then up to you how you spend your time when it isn't your scheduled flight yet. You could either drop everything that's going on in your life, head straight to the predeparture area, wait indefinitely for your turn to board . Or you could keep the ticket safe, go on with life, savor every moment of it, correct the things that need to be fixed, speak the words that should be spoken , laugh a lot and yet still be mindful of the boarding call that could come anytime. An advantage of having an illness like cancer is that it allows you to prepare, appreciate the little things that you used to ignore, and let go of the unecessary baggages. If I were to believe in statistics that say I only have 56% chance of surviving beyond 5 years, then I should be deciding at this time what pictures to put atop my coffin, songs to play at my funeral and the like. But then I choose to believe beyond what statistics offer. My newfound family taught me one important lesson in life: to believe. This is how they found their own silver linings. I believe there's a God seeing me through all these. I believe He knows what's best for me. I believe He brought me here for a reason. I have a task to fulfill. If my sufferings bring me closer to accomplishing my purpose, so be it. His will be done. Cancer once made me feel so out of control over my own life. Now I have learned to surrender everything to Him, let him take over the steering wheel of my life, while I relax and enjoy the journey. I know I'm in safe hands even as I go through rough patches of the road. I will be where I should be in His time.

Remember Me This Way

The War Has Begun

Two days ago I had my first cycle of chemo. I puked twice. I felt awful, the reality that I was indeed sick finally caught up. I didn't want anyone to see me in my pathetic condition. I discouraged my friends from visiting me at the hospital. One down and 5 more cycles to go. Now I know why chemo is something you wouldn't wish, even for your worst enemy.

My oncologist stressed again that I should take a leave from work. The hospital environment poses grave danger for my immunocompromised status. I could suffer from febrile neutropenia or worst, sepsis. If only I wasn't on 1st year residency training and my renewal isn't at stake, then I'd gladly take a leave. If only life wasn't full of tough choices.

Today I had my hair chopped. My long hair is gone. After years of spending thousands of bucks for it, I'm back to my old short-haired look. I feel not only plain but ugly. I was sobbing upon seeing myself in the mirror. I didn't know it would be this depressing. Maybe it's the poison presently running through my veins, or maybe I just didn’t get the style I wanted and I'm being just too vain.

Thanks to everyone who continue to make their presence felt. It's a tough time to deal with me at this point. I am self-loathing, sad and will resist every word of hope you will offer. But thanks for all the patience, care and understanding. God is still good, because He gave you all to me.

Gaganda Ng Mga Lola Ko

Birds of The Same Feather Duster

gi3.1
Originally uploaded by leggylass.

Finding My Silver Linings