The War Has Begun

Two days ago I had my first cycle of chemo. I puked twice. I felt awful, the reality that I was indeed sick finally caught up. I didn't want anyone to see me in my pathetic condition. I discouraged my friends from visiting me at the hospital. One down and 5 more cycles to go. Now I know why chemo is something you wouldn't wish, even for your worst enemy.

My oncologist stressed again that I should take a leave from work. The hospital environment poses grave danger for my immunocompromised status. I could suffer from febrile neutropenia or worst, sepsis. If only I wasn't on 1st year residency training and my renewal isn't at stake, then I'd gladly take a leave. If only life wasn't full of tough choices.

Today I had my hair chopped. My long hair is gone. After years of spending thousands of bucks for it, I'm back to my old short-haired look. I feel not only plain but ugly. I was sobbing upon seeing myself in the mirror. I didn't know it would be this depressing. Maybe it's the poison presently running through my veins, or maybe I just didn’t get the style I wanted and I'm being just too vain.

Thanks to everyone who continue to make their presence felt. It's a tough time to deal with me at this point. I am self-loathing, sad and will resist every word of hope you will offer. But thanks for all the patience, care and understanding. God is still good, because He gave you all to me.