Because He Loves Me

Academy Awards Night

kidding on that. the following are pics taken during the xu batch 2006 grad ball. i was given the privilege to be a part of their special night. more pics to follow. these ones will do for for now. yeah, i know what you're thinking.

I Love You...Goodnight

My phone just beeped. I hurriedly picked it up hoping it was him. Fat chance. It was Alex. Don't get me wrong, I have been blessed to have a great friend like Alex and I don't know what I would've done if she weren't by my side at the time when my world just crumbled. She was the first friend I called the minute the boy I loved walked out of the door and out of my life. I couldn't contain my feelings as I was speaking to Alex over the phone. I could hardly catch my breath. I was crying hysterically over the phone. She was worried like hell as to what happened to me. She wanted to come over and check on me but she had her kid with her at some place where it was difficult to commute. She was among the few who knew about my love story. She was the one who made me realize that I was indeed in love with him. The other friend aware of it was Retchie. She was alarmed by how I sounded over the phone. She told me she was coming over to be with me at the hospital where I was on duty. I needed someone to talk to. A part of me just died. Retchie slept at the wooden chairs that night just to make sure I'd be alright. Alex on the other hand lost touch due to the poor signal in the place she was staying at. Little did I know that she just launched world war III with the one I loved. I didn't mean to make my friends hate him but I understood what they were feeling. When Retchie came over, I instructed her not to be mean to him, that I'd handle the situation.

That night, before going to sleep, he texted me like nothing's changed. He said his I love you, good night line. I didn't know what to feel. I honestly liked the idea that he still loved me. That put me to a sound sleep despite all the hurts I was feeling. At the same time I was confused where I really stood in his life. The next day, we saw each other. We had breakfast before we went to mass. We made that plan a few days back, when we were still together and decided to push through with the plan even after the worst thing happened. I delivered my lines while he sat and listened. He didn't have much to say except he was sorry. The words I wanted to hear from him didn't come out, though..the words that say he wanted me back and didn't mean everything he said the previous night.

During mass, he squeezed my hand so tight before letting it go. It was an agony to be beside him yet missing him already. When he got off the car, he thanked me and pressed my hand again. I held it tight that I never wanted to let it go. I drove away with tears blurring my vision. I had to park briefly at the next corner and let out a good cry. The pain was too much to handle. But then nobody dies of a broken heart. It just bleeds while you go on living. That moment, I didn't see the point of living.

At home, I talked to my good friend Mama Fe and cried over the phone once more before I dozed off to sleep. Upon waking up, I found myself weeping again after realizing that I no longer have him in my life.

Last night he still texted me if I was awake and said his good night. No I love you this time. But I was happy that I was still on his mind. Little things like this make me happy now. I was a beggar for his affection. The next thing he texted was that "I guess I shouldn't be texting you for the meantime so you can forget about me and the pain I caused. I didn't mean to come this far of being hurtful to you. I'm sorry." I disagreed and asked him to take it slow as he weans himself from me. Losing him so quickly would hurt like hell. He never replied after that.

This morning I was checking my phone for like every 30 minutes if he had his good morning messages, the things I looked forward to as I wake up everyday. They never arrived. Tonight I stare at my phone all the time hoping for a miracle. I wonder what he could be doing now. If he still thinks of me at all. I was tempted to let him know how much I still love him but it would only hurt both of us. I miss his I love yous before going to sleep. I miss the thought of having somebody who thinks of me before he tucks himself to bed. His loving words were my lullabies. Now, I have but the silence of the night to put me to sleep.

I sorely miss him. I still don't understand how two people in love with each other can't be together. Maybe love is too complicated beyond my grasp. I just wanted to be happy and happiness for me meant sharing my love with him. For now, the only thing I could think of to ease the pain is that he deserves to be happy. I want his happiness even if it means me not being a part of his life.

Life has too many mysteries that are difficult to understand. I shall take refuge in the thought that God heals.

Tonight, I wish him beautiful dreams.

When Love Hurts

He was a friend I cherished, an adorable, cute, nice guy but not someone I would typically fall for. What I knew was that I liked having him around and missed him when he's nowhere in sight. I was a prankster who made his life miserable by poking jokes at him all the time. He reciprocated and we would end up laughing. He was the sweetest, most thoughtful guy I ever knew. He was there for me when I was struggling against cancer. He made me feel special. He was fascinating. Suddenly, I was entertaining the thought that there was something more than friendship in his mind. He occasionally made a pass on me but I didn't mind them because for me, he was just being a nice friend who was trying to boost my ego. Then I had dreams about him all the time. I woke up one day not knowing what hit me. I told my friend Ai that I think I was starting to like someone but wasn't exactly sure about my feelings. It was complicated. Our age difference, our status at work and most importantly, the rule at the hospital that prohibits a special friendship between our kind. I was trying to fight off my feelings.

One day we were hanging out together when he told me he had a crush on me all along and that he was falling for me. I almost put the car to a screeching brake upon hearing his revelation. I was driving when he made this confession. I didn't know how to react. I was certain that I liked him, but I wasn't sure if that was out of friendship or if it was something more. I tried escaping the moment by making a joke out of it but he persisted and asked what he was to me. Finally, I blurted out, "of course you stand a chance with me". He was overjoyed and couldn't believe I actually said that. I was trying to figure out my feelings for him. He had flaws and I was beginning to find them cute instead of apalling. That was when I knew I had fallen for him. A week after his revelation, we discussed the issues that were possible obstacles to our path. He said he has long accepted me for what I was, even despite my illness. I was swept away. That night, I listened to my heart. He became the prince I had been waiting for all my life. We officially became a couple. He said he could never believe someone as beautiful as me could go for someone like him. I countered him, "you know, I'm the luckier one because you're such a rare gem and you're mine now." Life has been a bed of roses since then. A miracle unfolded right before my eyes. For the first time I knew how it was to be loved back by someone I adored. He made me feel like a princess. I thanked the heavens for giving him to me.

It hasn't been easy. We kept it secret and decided to let it out in the open once he graduates. We were living like fugitives. He admitted he may not be good in handling the relationship. I was his first. I assured him I was willing to help him out with that, to be beside him and grow with him. I wanted to learn from him as much as I wanted him to learn from me. He did things that made me upset. He was too busy with everything that I had to remind him I still existed I was thinking about him all the time. From little things like delayed text replies to the issues on the girl he used to fancy and his friends preferring her over me for him, we had conflicts that we tried to resolve. I admired him even more for listening to my concerns, for accepting his faults and being willing to learn from it.

He would visit while I was on duty and sang for me over the phone when he got home because he knew how lonely it was to go on solo duty in Radiology. I loved him even more for that. There was always his nice smile plastered on his face that tells how in love he was with me. We were so happy together. For some reason, he was always in a hurry to go some place else. He gave me that cute apologetic look that he had to go. He sensed that as much as possible, I wanted to have him around longer but I had no choice but to let him go. It pained him to see that expression on my face everytime he's about to leave. Somehow he always had his hands full of responsiblities, he was always in a rush and he was always too tired. That bothered me. When I'm in love with someone, however tired I may be, when the love of my life wants my presence, I never seem to feel the stress. I am energized by his mere thought. I didn't see that in him.

Days went by, he disclosed that he might be busy as hell in the following days. As much as I wanted to spend time with him, talk to him about how my day went, I stretched my understanding and let things be. But i missed him too much that I couldn't stand it. We were in the same building all the time and I hardly saw him. I was aching to catch even just a glimpse of him. I was practically begging for his time. Just a little time was all I asked. Apparently, it brought out the monster in me. I was texting things that hurted him so much and I was hinting that I wanted a break. Of course I didn't mean it. The reaction I was hoping to get from him was that he'd fight for his love and win me all the more. But this did not happen.

Yesterday, I was excited to see him. I was ready to apologize for being such a bitch. I prepared food for us to share. I was on duty. Then he dropped the bomb. I must have acted possessive and insecure that he couldn't take it any longer. He wanted his way out. He wanted to think things over. He said things happened too fast that he was afraid of hurting me all the more if things went on. He assured me that he still loved me but we needed this break. Our love story was just in its introductory pages and he was already ending it. I asked if he could see me in his future, he replied "probably". I wanted to die. The man who I thought was crazy about me wasn't sure if he still wanted me. I hated myself. I must have been that bad to make him change his mind in a week. He put me up a pedestal. I fell off it, it hurt so bad that I was starting to feel some fractured appendages. From a princess, I have been turned into the lowest form of creature, lower than a fungus.

You'll never know what you got until you lose it. Perhaps I had been a total bitch. Perhaps I'm not someone worth loving. Perhaps he wasn't mature enough to handle a relationship. Perhaps he didn't love me enough to forgive me and give me a second chance. He was firm about wanting a break. I honestly don't understand what went wrong.

I thought he was the one. I thought I finally found someone who would stand by me through all my joys and pains who was willing to accept me for what I am despite my flaws. I thought he was my answered prayer. In the end, He was given to me not to love me but to test by strength even more.

Someday, when the boy I've learned to love finally grows up, I hope he realizes the pain he has caused and doesn't do it to somebody else. No woman deserves such cruelty from a guy who was too nice to be hated yet too selfish to take his love back from a girl who has helplessly fallen for him. An angel just broke my heart. If he only knew how much I've loved him. I'm beginning to miss him too much that it stings.

Maybe I just wasn't meant to be loved. Not in this lifetime.

When will all my sufferings end?

If I believed by Patti Austin.....sigh....

if I believed in paradise
I`d swear I must be there
I`d swear I must be there right now with you
if I believed in miracles
I`d know that one was happening to me
but if I don`t believe in paradise
and miracles aren`t real
then someone tell me what is this I feel
I wanna believe it`s love this time
I wanna believe my heart`s not telling me a lie
but with you I can`t deny
that if I believed in paradise
I`d swear I`m there
if I believed in magic spells
it all would be so clear
a magic spell must have brought you here
if I could see the future
I`d see if you and I were meant to be
but I don`t know any magic
and tomorrow`s just a dream
then something in this fantasy is real
(repeat chorus)
I wanna believe it`s love this time
I wanna believe my heart`s not telling me a lie
I wanna believe it`s love
I wanna believe my heart`s not telling me a lie
but with you I can`t deny
that if I believed in paradise
I`d swear I`m there
I`m there
I`m there
if I believed

My Prince Has Finally Come

12:15 AM, March 4, 2006-- this adorable guy officially became the prince I have been waiting for, all my life. He's definitely worth the wait. Chris, I thank God for you.

Love Sucks In Mysterious Ways

Sharon, Mama Fe, Elaine... there's nothing to update you about anymore. Guess I was a little too late. Better luck next lifetime.

I condemn guys who give mixed signals yet here I am, unintentionally playing with someone's feelings. What the hell is wrong with me? Maybe love doesn't come to me not because I'm too picky. It's for the simple but unacceptable reason that I don't know how to love. Sometimes I wish life comes with a manual that tells you what to do next. I'm at a loss for the next maneuver.

I think I just drove away someone who might be the one.

To hell with love. Whoever said it was for me, anyway?

The Return

Yeah, I know my blog has gathered enough dusts and grown cobwebs everywhere but I've been busy with things lately that I haven't had the time to update this site.

I'm making this entry short. Uhh... I did something stupid again. I spent last Wednesday, a day after valentines, crying. And it was of my own doing. Or maybe it was just one of those post-valentines depression, if there's such a thing. At that time I really wanted to talk to someone. Preferrably my kadyosas, my friends who act like an older sister to me in times of crises like that. Elaine just texted in time while i was sobbing hysterically in my bed. Unfortunately she was in the middle of something (no, she wasn't making ger-ger. ahehe! she had paperworks that time) so we had to cut our conversation short.

Earlier, I just talked to Sharon and Mama Fe over the phone. I had to talk to either of them for I could no longer contain the things that were bothering me. I could not really write in detail what really happened but both of them agreed that I have to do some damage control, quick. God, I hope it's not too late.

Huling Hirit for 2005

...I wanted to post my year-ender but then I am not in the mood for dramatic yakking right now. I just recovered from a difficult chemo cycle. If not for Elaine's hilarious messages on the yahoo chatroom a few hours before my last chemo session, it would have been another emotional on top of being a difficult cylcle. I admit I have a low laughing threshold. It may be the same reason why I enjoy being in theRadio dept, people are always funny in there, especially Sir Ruel, who by the way I promised a video with him in it. I love surrounding myself with funny people.

...I've been thinking of selling some of my clothes and bags which I never used. Since my brother and his family moved to their new house (my big brother's house), transporting my stuffs made me realize I got plenty of clothes that I no longer wear and things that only gathered dusts. Since I don't know how to put up a garage sale, I'm thinking of selling them through the internet.

...I'm the type who keeps things for sentimental reasons. The candy wrapper of the goodies that my crush gave me during med school, to the tickets to the concerts and basketball games I've watched are still with me. Maybe I seriously need to learn a thing or two about letting go. Holding on is a carcinogenic trait, so I've learned.

... A few hours left before 2006. I'm actually excited about what's in store for me. I'm crossing my fingers it will be a better year for me and my friends who have been crying for most of 2005. Mama Fe, Tina and mga Dyosa friends, Alex, etc... We'll stop crying na ha? Things can only get better, trust me. There are seasons in our lives we have to go through. Now is the beginning of another season we should look forward to.

Wishing everyone a fruitful year head filled with God's blessings. :)

Birthday Pics

captions to follow... still have to prepare for my chemo this afternoon.

Birthday and Christmas Bits

The past week has been real busy for most of us. I almost completely forgot about my "critical" condition and went on to celebrate the happiest times of the year. Here are tidbits of the week:

-Epok, who's on my friendster list and a team mate of Marco (yeah, the dreamboat) greeted me on my birthday. For someone with a celebrity status greeting me on my special day, I was caught off-guard and was really touched by the gesture. He is definitely one of the nicest ( not to mention cutest) guys from the blue eagles.

-Marco, the dreamboat replied to my forwarded christmas message. Styx, Melissa and I were talking about him last Friday and it just dawned on me to greet him after 3 years, just to check if he still has the same number. Still the same nice Marco that I liked. But then we're not friends. I will forever be a fan and I'm contented with that.

-My model friend Carlo greeted me after a long time of not communicating with each other. I actually forgot to include him in my text greetings for friends. He gave me a personalized greeting and I was amused that he still remembers me.

-I noticed most of my friends' Christmas greetings came with names of them and their other halves. Like "Merry Christmas from Jayson and Sharon... from Bong and Brenda.... from Dave and Techie" Even my good friend from high school who's in a happy relationship with another girl also signed out her greetings with her name and her girlfriend's name. I replied to Sharon,who knows my flipside, "Merry Christmas, too... from M---- and Grace. Hehehe. Sharon laughed it off. I was tempted to also sign out "From Orlando and Grace Bloom".

-When I turned 20, I got depressed. I didn't want to leave my teenage years. I stayed at home and let the day passed like it was just another ordinary day. This year, I was afraid that might happen again, with me turning *ouch* 30. But with everything that has happened to me this year, I've learned about life's uncertainties. We'll never know when it's going to be our last birthday. So I decided to celebrate it despite my status. This is the first time in a long time that I didn't celebrate it with my "Dyosa Lolas". Like Mama Fe says, nasira ang "panata" ko to be with them at this time of the year. (It's ok, we'll be seeing one another in April for my rad theraphy.) I spent my day instead with my "talent pool" and friends at the hospital. And I didn't regret it.

-This year has been my most emotional birthday and christmas. On my birthday, I couldn't hold back tears. Not because some people I expected to remember me have forgotten about me but because the folks I wasn't expecting to greet me went out of their way to let me know they remembered me. How very touching. Last night, as I was packing my presents for my family, I was all in tears. I was happy because God gave me another year to spend christmas with the people I love but at the same time sad because I didn't know how many birthdays and christmases I have left to spend before my health finally gives in.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Highly Recommended

"Who Stole My Magic" by Jenny Manuel, the latest book published by Summit, the publisher of leading magazines like Cosmopolitan. This is not just for women who had a recent break up. This is a good read for anyone who has had their heart broken, something to put them back on track. I recommended this book to Mama Fe and just now she texted me that she was touched and it made her cry. Nope this isn't a drama fiction but a handy booklet that contains advices that are a sure fire way to bring back senses into your head which, in one way or another has been slightly damaged by that little thing called love. My favorite advice was the "don't bother asking why". Here's a line from that chapter, "Asking someone to explain why they don't love you, or won't love you or can't love you is like asking someone to explain why the wind blows."

Go buy it. It sells P150 at magazine stands. It would make a nice Christmas present for friends nursing their broken hearts, on the brink of insanity.

These Guys Will Guard My Blog While I Go Celebrate my Birthday and the Holidays

I can almost hear Ai saying "san mo na naman nakuha yang mga lalaki mo?" They're probably macho dancers somewhere, but since they are appearing on my blog, they have to dance wholesome albeit funny moves. Dance mga bading, dance!

Ramblings

I'm taking a leave from the world again. This afternoon would be sked for my 4th chemo. I am praying it doesn't get worse from my previous cycles. I hope to recover fast.

I don't know but I'm feeling more at peace these days. Happy, even. If I die today, it will be one happy death. But I still want to watch the ongoing SEA games, though. Some other time then.

The Other Side Of Pinoy Big Brother

I've been browsing through the net and found a link to the song from which the theme song of the show has been allegedly ripped off, “Chandeliers” by Care. After hearing it, there was no doubt about it. It was a reflection of one of pinoy’s worst traits- copying or stealing. Orange and Lemons cannot be singled out for this crime because other local bands are guilty of that as well. There’s Cueshes’ “Stay”, from Silverchair’s “The Greatest View” and Session Road’s "Leaving You" from "Garmonbozia" by the Superdrag. But the "Chandeliers" to "Pinoy Ako" rip- off is the most obvious. Apart from discovering the embarrassing fact on the show’s theme song, I skimmed over other alarming aspects of the show. There are really sleazy pictures of the Pinoy Big Brother housemates circulating in the net. Scenes which were not aired on tv. Pictures included the resident pokpok, Chx (pardon again for that word but I couldn't find a more suitable word for her except slut) doing a lap dance on Sam and kissing him lewdly. The more outrageous pic featured Chx again, this time giving a grubby lip service to another female, Cass, while Uma, JB and Sam watched. Major Eeeoww! Wherever Chx is, indecency follows, or is it the other way around or vice versa? If you’re a Chx fan and you applaud the woman’s being real about giving in to her impulses, then good luck. Some people have a slightly different idea of reality and giving in to impulses all the time wastes your rational self. Sometimes I do pity her, thoughts of her suffering a traumatic or unhappy childhood to end up like that pops up, but then she’s old enough to take responsibilities for her actions.

Cass is a personal favorite because of her candidness and evident kindness which makes up for whatever she lacks in the IQ department. Yet seeing her doing those deeds disgusted me big time. Those scenes took place in the earlier part of PBB when the housemates were obviously trying to catch attention by shocking the viewers. They probably were trying to move along the the idea of the foreign version of the show in which housemates were as vulgar as having sex inside the house, aware of the cameras around and the rules that prohibited the act. Apparently, they caught the ire of Filipino viewers and drew violent reactions which lead the show's brief suspension by the MTRCB.

I only started following the show after Chx's eviction. I have been hearing comments about the un-pinoy actions and liberated implications of the show that's why it never caught my interest. The management should take credit though, for listening to the viewers' reactions. Big brother reprimanded Chx by not allowing her to come close to Sam within 3 meters for a few days after the incident. Obviously, she didn't learn much from the experience coz on her eviction night, she gave the surprised Sam a smack once more before leaving (humirit pa ang gaga). They toned down on any adult material that the public may find repulsive and focused on assigning the housemates tasks that will benefit the less fortunate pinoys. Staying inside the house also polished most of the housemates' character. It sends the message that change or improvement is possible, as long as the person is willing to learn. Sometimes the punishments can get out of hand but the persons (save for Franzen, maybe) on the receiving end of the penalties learn, nonetheless. Franzen, the resident rule breaker had to learn his lesson the hard way, through forced eviction. It was fair enough.

I still favor Cass among the housemates despite that incident or even if she’s a smoker and have less of the gray mater because she's sincere and open to change. Uma is still as interestingly blunt as ever. I like Say’s fashion sense, her being on the conservative side and being smart enough, but she tends to be overly maarte sometimes and touchy when she was warned by Cass once. My bet for the big winner, may be Nene or Jason. Nene is the most efficient among the housemates and takes on her tasks without much protest unlike Say or Uma. Jason draws the public's sympathy because his financial status. With Franzen now out of the race, he may possibly bring home the bacon through Franzen’s support crowd. We’ll see. Kara, the founder of our cancer support group who’s a broadcast journalist by profession has been tasked to work on a documentary about the said show when it ends. If I were anywhere near her, I’d volunteer as an intern. (Digression: Meeting Sam would be nice but learning the ropes in documentary production would be cooler. It will save me from the headaches which I encountered in our Radiology Department docu which I "attempted" to produce, direct and edit 3 months ago. More on that in another blog entry later, say 10 years from now, hehe.)

Let The Games Begin

As of writing, the Philippines has snagged 4 golds. Two were from dance sport, an event which the Filipinos have dominated. One was from long jump, and another from diving. Malaysia is at the top position in the medal count with five golds.

I watched the opening ceremonies at the Luneta grandstand earlier tonight on IBC 13 and I could only wish I was there to be a part of this momentous occasion. But then,even if I were in Manila at this time, there wouldn't be anyone I know interested as much with the events as I am and besides, it is much more comfy watching it at home. Mikee Cojuangco-Jaworski, one of the women I highly regard, was the Philippine delegates' flag bearer. She also lead the athletes' oath. Toni Leviste, a champion equestrienne like Mikee carried the torch riding her horse and passed it on to taekwondo olympian Antoniette Rivero who took it all the way from the Rizal Monument to the grandstand, passing through the crowd, reminscent of the red sea parting.

A promising nine year old Julie Abueva sang the SEA games theme song penned by Jose Mari Chan. Bayang Barrios performed well-choreogaphed numbers which showcased the rich Filipino culture while Ryan Cayabyab conducted the San Miguel Philharmonic Orchestra. Of course, who could miss Rivermaya's rendition of their hit songs with the orchestra on the background. Coolness. Rock and orchestra do mix. The last time I went to Philippine Philharmonic orchestra's concert, listening to the Philippine anthem played live gave me goose bumps. I once fantasized about inviting an orchestra to play music on my wedding but of course that would be a remote possibility in this lifetime (the wedding, more than the idea of the orchestra, that is). Listening to a rock band playing good music with the orchestra was refreshing.

My blog about the 1991 SEA games is yet to be written. In the coming days, I wish to hear the national anthem played frequently as our flag is being raised to signify another gold streak. Long live our athletes!

What Your birthday Says About You

click this. Mine says I'm still chasing cats.I don't know if I should be happy or worried about my life path.

Your birth tree is:

Beech, the Creative

Has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialist, good organisation of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).


Life Path Number:
11

The number 11 Life Path has the connotation of illumination describing its general focus. This is the number associated with spiritual awareness. As one of the two master numbers, the 11 yields understanding and knowledge beyond the grasp of others. The attitude toward life of those possessing this Life Path is somewhat extreme; extremely intuitive, avant-garde, idealistic, visionary, and cultured. These extremes make you an interesting, if unusual person, with much to offer society. The Life Path 11 person is deep-thinking, and you are no doubt interested in understanding many of life's mysteries and more intriguing facets. Your inventive mind and broad-minded views will permit you to succeed in life in any number of ventures. You can best serve society, however, in those endeavors utilizing your skills of counseling and guidance. Much of your idealism is people oriented and quite humanitarian in nature. You expect a great deal of yourself and of those to whom you are close.

On the negative side, there is a lot of nervous tension associated with the 11 life path, and you can be a difficult person to deal with because of this. For this reason, relationships, at times, can be difficult. This is a Life Path that seems to feature broad mood swings between the elation and depression. You are likely to have trouble making decisions and getting your life in gear, so to speak. There is a tendency for the 11 to harbor feelings of uneasiness, and dissatisfaction with accomplishments and personal progress in life. Your grandiose schemes usually make sense, but you can get off the track and they can be very impractical. You have a very distinct side that lacks common sense, and you are quite often unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality. In this regard, you are perhaps more of a dreamer than a doer. When you do get on target, your ideas seem to have been inspired on high. Perhaps you are not a leader, but you are a visionary and a very talented idea person.

Go Philippine Team!

6 days to go before the opening of the 23rd SEA games. The last time the country sponsored this event was in 1991. No, I'm not posting this because of this cute and smart guy named Ernest Dee (younger brother of model AJ Dee) who's competing in the swimming events. My passion for the SEA games started way back in 1991 when I went as far as having my dad buy this expensive coffee table book by Jaime Zobel de Ayala which featured the athletes who participated in that event. Will blog about that soon. I just had a bout of fever and I'm going back to work again tomorrow. Got to rest. Til Then!

Yayness

Yay! Marco, my dream guy has added photos to his friendster. He looks kinda old in his new pic, his wrinkles are showing. I wanted to message him and ask what camera he used coz the photo came out really crisp and clear.Of course I didn't do it. It's been a long time since I last interacted with him and I wouldn't want him to remember my blue eagles stalker days. Thinking of him reminded me that I used to have a fine taste in men. Whatever happened to that. Darn.

By the way, I just got back from hell for the 3rd time. From chemo, that is. Sorry is due to my dear friends who have been texting me during those hell days, to no avail. Sorry if I seemed impolite. I've been dead to the world and I was forcing myself to sleep in an attempt to escape that horrible feeling brought about by chemo. God, I hate cancer. Nobody deserves to go through such hell. Not even my loathers. I couldn't explain the feeling. It's like wanting to throw up all the time and ncthing comes out. That and the metallic taste in your mouth gives you an aversion to food. But it's not just that. There seemed to be something going on inside your body and not being able to understand what was exactly wrong with it. All I knew was that it was disgusting. The worst part of it is knowing I'll have to keep coming back to hell every 21 days for 3 more cycles. This gets me thinking if this is really worth all the trouble. I can only hope it is.

Mama Fe, my next chemo schedule will be on December 2. Schedule your depression any day but that or a few days after that. It will be tough putting back senses into your head with me traversing hell at those times. Hearing your love affairs with monsters made me want to puke all the more. Things will get better, just believe.

Alex, thanks for the nice thoughts. For the first time at least I wasn't waiting for the text or call that I knew would never come. Not that it came, maybe I was just too sick and too tired to care. I'll be going back to work tomorrow. Speaking of work, it really shames me that I have to be absent for a long time everytime I undergo chemo.But I don't want to go back to work in a very pathetic state either, with a vomit bag around me all the time. I'm just thankful that my bosses and colleagues are understanding enough of my condition. They have arranged that I don't go on 24 hrs while on chemo. I really hope this ordeal will be over soon so I'd stop being a burden to my co-workers.

Styx and the gang, thanks for being there. You be good as you always are, alright?

Pong2x, thanks for the vcds you lent me. It really helped fight off depression while I was recuperating.

To the rest of the angels who walk on earth to help me keep going, I thank God for you!

To Let Go

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do
it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I
can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural
consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome
is not in my hands.

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to
make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human
being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to effect their destinies.

To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to
face reality.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search
out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to
take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try
to become what I dream I can be.

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for
the future.

To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.

-- Unknown