The Clock Is Ticking

In a few hours, I will be at the hospital not as a doctor but as a patient needing surgical intervention. Last night I dreamt that I was already at the operating table. I couldn't help but dread the moment. It's like being on the deathrow waiting for her turn to be executed.

Gracela called me up from Germany upon reading my last entry. She claimed she couldn't sleep after reading through my blog. She knew me since high school as the scaredy cat who sought comfort in her mom's protection. She told me " i know you're scared but please be brave, you'll get through this". Years have passed and a lot of things have changed. Pain has ripened me but I still get scared that I tremble at the thought of what I have to go through, all the physical pain and the uncertainties I have to face when I wake up.

Elaine felt nauseated after reading too. She confessed she took it lightly when I was telling her the lumps on my left breast were bothering me. It's okay, Laine, it's not just you who felt that way. When I told everyone I was quitting my IM residency before, no one believed me. It was only after I left that everyone realized I was serious about it and they were asking why didn't I tell them the sentiments I've keeping all along. Truth is, I've been talking about it over and over again but no one took me seriously.

In a few hours, things will never be the same again. A part of me will be missing and I still don't know how it would affect me. If only they could take my heart along with it. For the first time in a long time, I'm too young for something.


Mama Fe promised me she'll call while I'm at the hospital. Styx says she's been praying for me. Everyone else who made this ordeal a lot lighter for me by simply being there, thank you. I'm stacking on books I will be reading while bedridden. I will have Jessica Zafra's dose of wits on "Twisted 7", Alison James' sassy approach to losing the loser in your life, "I used to miss him but my aim is improving" and Greg Behrendt's "He's just not that into you", a book recommended to me by a fellow xangan upon reading my blogs. =) I specifically chose reading materials that will perk me up. Paul and Juhl's could wait. I hope this is the last time my breasts are gonna threaten my health coz frankly, it gets stressful to be stripping in front of people (although medical professionals), especially that there's nothing there to flash.

At this point I leave everything to God. I may not understand why things happen but I know I'm safe with God holding my hand... Lord, thy will be done.