I was described as a girl with an artistic temperament in my high school yearbook caption. I was originally pictured to dabble in different art forms but then things got lost in revision that the art in a temper became the highlight of my character which is an eloquent way to say that I have "topak" (being slightly off kilter). It was fairly accurate but definitely not the caption I want my offsprings and grandchildren to read about me. Not that I throw tantrums in public and run amok at the slightest provocation, but I do have a bad case of mood swings. I am happy one minute and then suddenly feel the world crumbling the next time.
Sometimes I do think I have manic-depressive condition, bipolar disorder, or maybe schizophrenia. But I decided to be kind to myself and be convinced that I am normal, only with occasional lapses in emotional management. I still need to grow up, seriously.
Like a few hours ago, I was ecstatically testing the new toys in the form of makeups that I asked my hubby to buy for me while he was in Manila. I was extremely happy that my hubby is back and I get to hug my living teddy once again. But now that everyone else is asleep and I'm alone to drown in my own thoughts, I once again ask myself, "what is there to live for?" I'm supposed to be grateful to be married to an extremely wonderful guy- an exceptional one who can deal with my "topak", to have a good family, to be blessed with jobs that no longer stress the hell out of me, and the chance to enjoy doing makeup for other people. How come I still feel melancholic? It seems I have to keep a regular dose of something to excite me to keep me looking forward for the future.
Maybe this is just PMS, or the annoying street kids that wouldn't keep their hands off from washing my car despite that I signaled "no" a couple of times to them. C'mon, do they really expect me to lower my window and allow the rain to get in the car just to hand them over some coins? Or maybe it's the morons who ride motorbikes who enjoy occupying the middle of the fast lane but run 40kph in the highway and won't bother to move aside to give way to other motorists. Grrr.. Sometimes I do understand what went on Rolito Go's head when he committed his crime. But then as he realizes it too late, it was not worth it.
I hate this feeling of living just for the heck of it, without the spark that makes me look forward to the next day. Like, what is there to look forward to anyway, meet more annoying people and morons on the road? I certainly have a lot of reasons to be happy more than my reasons to be upset but I guess my fear of not being happy for a longer time is what’s making me a very reluctantly happy person now. I am imprisoned by my own fears that I no longer enjoy the moments that should be celebrated. Too many uncertainties about my health, my career path, my dreams that are making me too tensed about what lies ahead. Faith is the only thing I can hold on to but sometimes it gets difficult to get a grip when it keeps slipping off.
I need something to be passionate about. I need to get a high without being low the next moment. I need positive vibes to heal my negative energies. Blah, blah, blah. My off-kilter self has taken me over once again. Maybe all I need is a good sleep for now.
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