My Sassy Boy

With Puff Daddy and Dodge

Enjoying Life While I Can

I'm Going Off To A War

In a few days, a war will begin inside me. It will be a difficult struggle, an effort to hold on to my life. After months of delayed decisions, I am finally submitting myself to chemotherapy. Apparently, it remains the best option to stay alive. My hair will start falling off, my immune system will crash, making me susceptible to infections and my body will show signs of fatigue, with occasional bouts of nausea. These anticipated adverse effects on top of my continuing residency training means I will have a tremendously tough time in the coming months. When I see Christmas decors sold at malls or hear yuletide songs, I am not the least bit elated. I am saddened with the idea of me spending the holidays and my birthday bald and sick-looking. My social calendar will be empty, because my immunocompromised status will prevent me from interacting with possible germ carriers.

My oncologist advised that I start the treatment the earliest time possible. I went to see her right after the biopsy results from the States came out. When I begged off to start it on September 30, she didn’t look happy with my seemingly delaying tactics. I have my reasons. This month has been packed with travel plans. Last week, my co-residents and I sailed off to Cebu for our annual radiology in-service exam. I didn’t want to take the test with a chemo brain though the results would be just as devastating. This weekend, I’ll be off to Manila to attend the breast cancer forum organized by the group of breast cancer survivors of which I’m a part of. Survivor is still too strong a word for me. My survival skills are yet to be tested. This is a group of brazen women who traversed various depths of hell, eluded the tentacles of doom, and triumphantly confronted the monsters of a grim disease called cancer. Yet they continue to shed light on the path of other cancer patients, who, like me have sulked in a dark corner, oblivious to the torch that ablaze ahead.

Three months after being diagnosed with cancer with no battle plan laid out, I didn’t feel the need the fight back. For me, it was nature’s way of maintaining population. We all have to die of something and it just happened that my appointment with death came earlier than expected. There was no point in undoing what could have been written in the stars all along. Going through with treatment will not assure that I will live on. Nor can it absolutely prevent future recurrence of cancer. I may be responsive to treatment but will continue to fear recurrence for the rest of my life. .

To be continued....

News

.... Styx has a boyfriend now. She wanted to tell me about it long before but I wasn't replying to her texts and missed calls. Sorry if I've been unresponsive to your alerts. I didn't realize you were raring to tell me about the good news through those usual cheer-up text messages and missed calls. When I miss-call somebody, it usually means I just pressed the wrong keypad. In her case I didn't know it was news.I was caught off-guard and was prompted to call her. So happy for you, Styx. Hope he truly deserves you. But hey, you have yet to file that resignation from our org. Submit it to me ASAP :)
.... Sharon, one of my best buds got married last week and she didn't tell me about it until now. She said it was a small but solemn wedding so she didn't bother announcing it to me.And she's 3 months on the family way. Gosh. Everybody's grown up. Her text message left me almost falling off my seat that I ended up calling her too, just right after talking to Styx.
....Jay and Betty are getting married, not to each other but to their respective sweethearts, sometime next year. Jay was back home 2 weeks ago, dropped by the reading room for a chat. He cheerfully showed me the pic of his fiancee. Chinky-eyed and pretty. His sister Badet told me she's quite a catch, well-mannered and all. We, his friends have witnessed Jay fall in and out of love. Finally, he finds his match. Betty is coming home this month . Elaine is also coming home within the month, so I'm seeing my good friends again after a long time. What do you know, Elaine will be the next to bear the news that she is tying the knot, WITH somebody and not ON somebody.
.... As much as I wanted to bring good news about myself, that I'm seeing someone and not seeing things, all I got is a downer. The results of the biopsy sent to the States through Elaine came out today. It confirmed the findings of cancer. Guess this is it. Fight or flight. My plan? Long term- die. Short term-use my remaining strength and enjoy what's left of my years. No worries. It's just cancer after all. Just cancer. Nothing will faze me anymore.

The Ideal Man

I was browsing through friendster when suddenly I noticed the change of picture of the guy who for the longest time I called “my ideal man”. I clicked his thumbnail for a closer look and read in his profile that he was single again. I hurriedly scanned through his photos and didn’t find the picture of his girlfriend that he used to lovingly post there.

It’s been three years since I’ve come to realize that a guy as splendid as he is can actually walk the face of this planet. Dig this: high school valedictorian, team captain of his school varsity basketball team, prom king, graduated from a quota program in a top university where only the best are granted admission and only the toughest actually breeze through the entire 4 years without being advised to shift into more benign management courses. He nailed it, with a qpi always above 3.00 (the highest being 4.00) amidst the demands of his role as a college jock. He was bent on winning, along with his teammates, the title that evaded them and belonged to the rival school for a long time. He wasn't disappointed. In his last year with the team, they managed to snag the title at long last. He wrote several essays that exemplified his passion for his sport and revealed his emotional, human side. He was born to a well-off family who resides in one of the posh villages in Makati. Despite that, he was never a brat who got his way through parental influences. He was raised with the values of hard work and integrity instilled in him. This is a person whose rare qualities have gained the respect of his friends, colleagues and superiors, male and female alike. Add to that the fact that he doesn’t smoke, drink nor curse. A rare species who, according to one of his friends, excuses himself when the air starts to fill with sexist jokes. A gentleman who knows how to acknowledge his legion of admirers, without flirting back at the women who throw themselves at him. In fact, he’s too kind, too proper that any woman who tries to seduce him would want to repent a la Mary Magdalene afterwards (not that I attempted at one point). And yes, I heard you. He’s not gay, moron. He’s got more qualities to prove his masculinity than the tired cliched proof of raging male hormones. Knowing my aesthetic sense, to top these credentials are his amazingly good looks and heart-arresting smile bound to give the close-up toothpaste models a run for their money. And yet his greatness lies in his humility. Sigh. As of writing this entry I think I’m starting fall all over again.

I decided it would be wiser not to disclose the name of this rare object of my astonishment, who is extinct enough to be tagged an urban legend, because his family and friends might google his name and find out a certain blogger is lusting after their precious one. Yes, he's the guy on the picture, he’s on my friendster and his photo perpetually appears on my flickr zeitgeist to the right of this page. Let’s just call him Marius (it’s close to his real name anyway). I remember dragging Ai all the way to Makati Coliseum to watch one of his games. We barely caught him play as we arrived while the game was running its 2nd half. Truth is, he wasn’t even among the first five in his team. In fact he was benched most of the time, a far cry from his stellar status in his high school varsity days. But I watched him like a hawk whenever he was allowed in the game and rooted like a banshee whenever his shots made it. He was quite good in 3-pointers. Even with his talent and passion, he was practically drawn to the sidelights. Apparently, better and bigger players in his league got the most following. Come to think of it, it is much better that it turned that way. Otherwise, Kris Aquino would have snagged him had he made it to the PBA. But I guess it wasn’t his being a jock that amazed me. It was the total package that I found impressive.

When Ai and I dropped by the gym where his team practiced, to buy souvenir varsity jackets, he was there. The heavens parted, the angels sang their allelluias, the environment froze, as I watched a moving poetry right before my eyes. The guy of my dreams has come to life.Where has he been all this time? Just as I was enjoying the glorious reverie, earth pulled me back when Ai tapped my shoulder and motioned towards the shop we were looking for. Later when we walked down the stairs, he was heading upwards. We met halfway through it and I was THISCLOSE to him. I could feel my heart thumping wildly that moment that I was worried if it was audible from his distance. If I had it my way, I would have entangled him with my arms, knocked him to the ground and planted a big slurpy kiss. But this was real life, I being my usual tame self, pretending not to care that he was around. If he could only read the lewd images running in my mind that time, he wouldn’t dare come close to me within 100 feet.

For a creature as close to perfection as Marius, all that was lacking in his life then was the perfect girl. Before I could volunteer, he found her just in time (lucky him). She was everything a guy could wish for. A smarty pants, a leader, a dancer, a heartthrob and practically an ethereal being just like him. She was his female counterpart. My heart broke but delighted in the fact that he made excellent choices. For a mere mortal like me, I knew I was no match for someone like him. Guys of his kind were a long shot. It wasn’t right looking for the perfect one when I knew my imperfections were blaring out loudly. Until now, this continues to be my greatest flaw, going for those who are out of my league. Seeking perfection when I, myself am not perfect. On the other hand, it’s not right to settle for someone who defy the ideals that I keep. I don’t agree with lowering one’s standards just so others can keep up. It’s them who should be raising their standards. There’s ought to be someone just right for each one.

Marius found and lost the girl of his dreams. But in time, he will find someone just as special. Unfortunately, as much as I wanted to file an application for the newly vacated position, I don’t qualify. Not in this lifetime. Besides, while he is someone I perceive to be an ideal man and that he made my heart flutter, I was infatuated but never really in love with him. Though I kept our exchange of text messages and emails safe somewhere, I never knew him that well for love to blossom. As every girl dreams of her prince charming, he was the picture of the prince I’ve been hoping to come to life. The sun is setting and my own Marius is nowhere in sight. All I see are knights in rusty armors.It's getting late. I could keep on waiting, but someone who comes after midnight and before sunrise could either be a thief, a vampire or someone with horny intentions. Maybe I should give it a rest. As Palanca Awardee Jessica Zafra puts it, “ the perfect man is a figment of some gullible woman’s imagination. Never has and never will exist. So don’t be a ditz. Stop waiting.” Ouchies. Couldn’t have been said better.

Videoke Again! It Means I'm Feeling Better Now.

Fellowship of the Sawi

My Old Videoke buddy Rona with our new recruit, Naty

Dizay, Pie and Hya Choosing their Songs

The only boy in the fellowship, Bandoy

Bandoy coudn't get enough of it

Until Then

I have decided to put my blogging on hold at this site . I've become such a thought pollutant enough to scream to the world that I have evolved into such a big loser. I've been evoking pity which I never welcomed.

I can't pretend that with this rough patch I'm traveling, I continue to be a woman of serenity. I am in distress and I cannot conceal it. However, I am aware that I make only a tiny fraction of all the walking wounded in this world. We all carry a cross and it just happens that I am still overwhelmed with my cross that I'm at a loss as how to carry it. Other people's sufferings are worse than mine and just because I have cancer doesn't make me special.Yet I have fatally nurtured my wounds enough to give it personality and the power to breathe life to my new destructive self. I have allowed my wounds to define my existence.

I am thankful for all the blessings that came in my life, and those blessings include all the people who never left my side, who continue to see me through in these darkest hours. The biggest mistake I've made was to shrug away the love and care handed to me by the world, just because I didn't matter to the one who meant the world to me. The left side of my chest including the structure beneath its surface has been a wreck. Cancer caught me just as I was nursing the pains of rejection.It's ironic that the one who could give you the greatest will to live can also be your reason to succumb to death, thus I have given cancer the privilege to swallow me whole. I have far exceeded my limits to stupidity. I cannot make more room for it.

My mind seriously needs an overhaul. Its unhealthy run has got my life on the line. I am faced with tough choices right now. Surgery or radiation. Chemo or hormonal therapy. Alternative or Allopathic medicine. Hate or forgive. Let go or hold on. Survive or surrender. Live or die. While I decide, I will take a much needed hiatus to spare the world of my sick ideations. I'm afraid if I put too much burden on my friends, I might start losing all of them.

I'm channeling this toxic mental catharsis into a more private venue where it cannot pose harm to the ones I value, until I find a reason to smile again in a manner that isn't fleeting, until I learn to thrive amidst adversities and until I learn to free myself from the bondage of these self-made chains. Maybe I'll find my true reason to live, a reason that is enduring. Maybe I'll find my own miracle in time and inspire others to seek theirs. To find them, I must find myself first. Now is the time to do just that. I must leave, for now.

So long.

A Farewell Letter

Critically acclaimed author Gabriel Garcia Marquez has retired from public life due to health reasons: cancer of the lymph nodes.He has sent a farewell letter to his friends, and thanks to the Internet it is spreading. This short text, written by one of the most brilliant Latin Americans in recent times, is truly moving.

If for an instant God were to forget that I am a rag doll and gifted me with a piece of life, possibly I wouldn't say all that I think, but rather I would think of all that I say.

I would value things, not for their worth but for what they mean. I would sleep little, dream more, understanding that for each minute we close our eyes we lose sixty seconds of light.

I would walk when others hold back, I would wake when others sleep. I would listen when others talk, and how I would enjoy a good chocolate ice cream! If God were to give me a piece of life, I would dress simply, throw myself face first in the sun, baring not only my body but also my soul.

My God, if I had a heart, I would write my hate on ice, and wait for the sun to show. Over the stars I would paint with a Van Gogh, dream a Benedetti poem, and a Serrat song would be the serenade I'd offer to the moon.

With my tears I would water roses, to feel the pain of their thorns, and the red kiss of their petals!

My God, if I had a piece of life, I wouldn't let a single day pass without telling people I love that I love them.

I would convince each woman and each man that they are my favorites, and I would live in love with love. I would show men how very wrong they are to think that they cease to be in love when they grow old, not knowing that they grow old when they cease to be in love!

To a child I shall give wings, but I shall let him learn to fly on his own.

I would teach the old that death does not come with old age, but with forgetting. So much have I learned from you, oh men!

I have learned that everyone wants to live on the peak of the mountain, without knowing that real happiness is in how it is scaled.

I have learned that when a newborn child squeezes for the first time with his tiny fist his father's finger, he has him trapped forever.

I have learned that a man has the right to look down on another only when he has to help the other get to his feet.

From you I have learned so many things, but in truth they won't be of much use, for when I keep them within this suitcase, unhappily shall I be dying.

GABRIEL GARCIA MARQUEZ

Going Nowhere

To say my life hasn't been easy lately would be an understatement. All my life I found solace in God's protective arms. Nothing could go wrong with Him by my side. Lately, I felt He wasn't listening to my prayers anymore. Everything I feared has been coming to life. Everything I've been working for has been yielding the opposite, unwanted effect.I've never been this lost.

At this point, I still cannot bring myself to write a positive blog. My thoughts are still clouded by doubts and resentments. I don't know where this cancer came from. I have no family history of cancer from either side of my parents. My unhealthiest habit would be oversleeping and eating fastfood preparations and lots of chips. I don't even smoke, I hardly drink and I'm not a wild party goer. Keeping emotions to myself is a consideration but has it been that bad to cause me cancer? I'm not on my 5th decade of life, as most cancers occur at this age group. I'm not even 30 yet. Nulliparity is a risk factor, but should I be punished this way for not having kids? I can't even find a decent man for heaven's sake. I could be a living testimony to the fact that at this day and age, a woman has better chances of getting cancer than finding a good man. Even if I did find one, marriage and having kids were out of the question. I had too many dreams to fulfill and plans to pursue. While my counterparts were already making a name for themselves in the corporate world, I barely came out of med school. I was just starting to be financially independent. I find it distressing that instead of spending this time for personal accomplishments, I am forced to confront the physical and emotional pains of cancer.

All my friends are pushing me to start chemotherapy. It's quite a pressure to be a doctor and be surrounded with people in the same profession telling me to submit myself for treatment as soon as possible. At this time, everyone expects to see me in a shaven head, pallid and sick-looking. I'm still very much around in the hospital, still in residency training like nothing happened. I appreciate that I'm allowed to do the things I should do without being constantly reminded that I have cancer. Maybe one thing can makes me apprehensive about going through chemo is the fact that people will look at me with pity once I show up bald and sickly. I wouldn't want that. I have too much pity for myself enough to last me a lifetime. Others are joking that I may be too worried of losing my hair thus I want to skip chemo. Although I'm a self-confessed vanity case, I know when to put inanities in the backseat. There will be ways to be stylish even without my crowning glory, especially now with Natalie Portman sporting a shaven head for an upcoming movie as a prisoner. But Natalie Portman will always be Natalie Portman, as much as Eddie Gil will be Eddie Gil. When I told Sharon that I didn't want to lose my hair, she reminded me "thank God for the inventors of wigs". I replied " but I don't want to look like Eddie Gil". Sharon said amidst my illness I still made her laugh and said "Eddie Gil will always look funny even without a wig. You will be gorgeous even without your hair ". Aww. Guess that's what friends are for, to boost your morale after it suffers a major blow.

Aside from chemo, I still need surgery or radiotherapy for local control of the cancer. After the traumatic experience from my recent surgery of losing the function of my left arm, I don't want to go through that again. To think the operative site at that time was far from the brachial plexus yet I suffered brachial plexopathy. I never felt so disabled in my life. Radiotherapy, an alternative to surgery can also cause lymphedema and with the location of the lesion at the left side, it puts my heart at risk too. The hormonal therapy which I might choose over chemotherapy (though not as effective as the latter) has depression, post-menopausal symptoms and rarely, uterine cancer as side effects. All treatments are just too toxic.

It's been two months after my operation and almost a month after being diagnosed to have breast cancer. I'm standing still and thinking if I want to undergo any of those treatments at all. Most breast cancer survivors hold on to their lives out of love for their kids whose survival are dependent on their existence. No one's existence is dependent on me. It would be easier for me to go.My family is coping well though my mom has been frequenting the church lately, praying for a miracle. I learned from my brother that mom has been crying and kept saying she should have been the one who got the cancer. That really crushed me. I could take all cancers in the world as long as the ones I love will be spared. My mom has been protecting me for too long. I don't want to see her suffer because of me. I want her to think I can go through this bravely. Maybe Sarah was right, if I don't choose to be treated, it will be very selfish of me. I would be inconsiderate of the feelings of the people who value me and want me alive. But then, maybe they will understand. My surgeon invited me to a lunch meeting just so she could convince me to go for chemo. I don't know. I really don't know. I'm too stubborn to listen to anyone at this time.

I will be on a solo retreat on August. I want to know what God is trying to tell me. I need spiritual healing more than anything right now.Hopefully I'll find answers and start thinking more clearly when I get back. I still haven't found the purpose of my existence, yet I'm at a situation where I'm forced to make a conclusion of my life. I don't want to be a meaningless entity who came and went. I don't want to be lost forever.

A GIFT OF HOPE

Dear Grace,

We (the royal "We", yes) are very glad you went through this with bravery more than fear, never failing to be amusing even at the thought that you'd be more of a "woman trapped in a man's body"(your own words!) from now on. Allow me to share these lines I found in the net today :-) Please know that we, your friends, are here for you and are WITH you always.

- Dylan

"Illness is limited ... It cannot cripple love, It cannot shatter hope, It cannot corrode faith, It cannot eat away peace, It cannot destroy confidence, It cannot shut out memories It cannot silence courage, It cannot invade the soul, It cannot reduce eternal life, It cannot quench the spirit. "

Mama Fe Writes

Dear Grace,

I know it`s hard to accept your condition when you`re just starting to soar.....Having the big C is not a laughing matter.It`s something people would never dream and wish they would have ( well except for me during those times of insanity ). But life, no matter how hard it is to accept, has reasons beyond our control and understanding....

Just always remember that you are still lucky ( like Kylie Minogue ) because well as a surgeon I know you`ll still live your life to the fullest....you can still soar higher than anybody expects you will.... you must.....

I can`t say anything more because if I do I will be in my uncontrolled bitchy, witchy, morbid self again...

This I promise to you....I may have resigned from my residency training here in the Philippines but I will be a surgeon trained from the best hospital that would accept me and specialized in cancer especially breast cancer....that`s a promise......

My Flight Has Been Cancelled

Just as I was trying to get up, a strong blow was shot at my direction, knocking me to the ground once again. Yesterday, June 18, 2005, I officially became the latest addition to breast cancer statistics.

Yes, I have Breast Cancer.The biospsy sent to PGH for 2nd opinion revealed that it was Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, not Ductal Papilloma as previously read. It was reviewed by 4 pathologists. My surgeon staged it as IIb. Neither an early nor a late stage. I will be undergoing another surgery again ASAP to remove the lymph nodes and nipple. Along with that, I''m given the choice between chemotherapy or hormonal therapy. Very long and taxing treatment, I know. It's father's day today. It's sad that the gift I have for my dad is this news.

At this point, I honestly don't know what to think.I'm too exhausted going through what I've been through . Although I'm strongly holding on to my faith, something is telling me not to keep my hopes up whenever i see a light a the end of the dark tunnel, for it might just be another incoming train ready to crush me to the bones.

What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger, but sometimes what doesn't kill you makes you want to die. Pardon me. Please let me grieve for a while.

Taking Flight

My wounds have formed scar tissues, my affected arm functions adequately, albeit weaker than normal, my biopsy result showed the tumor wasn't malignant. I have resumed work. To say I'm cured is one thing but to claim I'm healed is another issue. I watched my progress and noticed that despite my improvements physically, something inside me was still screaming in pain. Some wounds inside were still gaping and risking complications.

My training in medicine is of the traditional, conventional form. But I feel there is more to medicine than healing the physical body. I believe in treating each patient on a more wholistic approach. I recognize that there are several elements that influence a person's health. The emotional, mental, and spiritual forces do contribute to an individual's total well being. I turned to alternative medicine not because I didn't trust the conventional way of management given me, but because I believed it could maximize my healing, alongside traditional medicine. After surgery and physical therapy, I submitted myself for alternative medicine. Sessions of acupuncture and rhythmic body oiling are curently being done. Thing with alternative medicine is, no doctor cure you more than you can heal yourself. Maybe it was incidental, considering that the nerves affected were due for regrowth, hence restoring the normal functions of the muscles, in turn bringing back my left arm to its functional state after a month. Then again, maybe the alternative interventions did speed up my recovery.

I do subscribe to the idea that confusing your cells can cause you unwanted newgrowths in the body. Maybe I confused myself too much to the point of triggering tumors. I think that the emotional turbulence I suffered through the years contributed a whole lot to the mass that formed in my left breast. I am not speaking as a doctor. The views I am sharing in this blog may not be validated by scientific evidence. At this point, allow me to articulate my thoughts as a patient recuperating, taking charge of her own healing.

I am the type who holds grudges, who forgives but doesn’t forget. I have a lot of bottled-up emotions, threatening to burst anytime into disastrous proportions. Mentally, I wasted time running useless thoughts, mostly on persons who weren’t even worth thinking of and were unapologetic of the pains they have caused. Physically, I have an unhealthy sleeping habit. I turn the night into day and day into night, screwing up my body clock thus crashing my immune system. Spiritually, my busy schedule caused me to drift away from the One true source of strength. In general, there were unhealthy facets in me that I failed to recognize earlier and attacked when I was weakest, zapping all the energy thriving in me.

I am employing the alternative methods to strengthen the overlooked aspects of myself and to strike a healthy balance in life. Among the things I need to learn is to let go. The rejections, failures, resentments and insecurities are still clinging like a lint to its blood source. In an attempt to rationalize things, I am left with questions that remain unanswered. What happened, why it happened and what to do about it. In every experience, there’s a lesson to be learned. This is a vital point in living, otherwise a self-destructive cycle is perpetuated that stagnates one's growth. However, pondering on useless thoughts, fighting for a lost cause, which I have I penchant for, do not do me any good. Maybe I should leave certain unresolved mysteries in life as that. Maybe in time, the answers will be unraveled. Or perhaps, in time, the answers wouldn’t be significant after all. I need to distinguish which battles are worth fighting and which to let pass and not waste my energy on.

This total healing process will take long. It is more comforting to believe that everything happens for a reason. It was a close call with the big C, but I know there’s a reason why I was spared, that there’s a role I still have to play in life and there are important lessons I ought to draw from the experience. Difficult turn of events are a spiritual journey for me. I will be encountering more challenges as I go along but I can only hope that these circumstances will make me stronger and wiser, bring out the best in me and not push me into becoming an angsty, bitter and more insecure person than I already am. The physical impact of this ordeal has shaken my self-confidence even more but I'm slowly picking up the pieces and getting myself back on track. For now, as I regain my strength, as I mend my broken wings, I will unload the unnecessary baggage that deters me from taking flight. Life has to go on, the ugly scars need not cause the crash to my total being.

Still Breathing

Finally went back to work last Tuesday. I've been preoccupied lately with my life as a voodoo doll. Not that I finally launched my witching powers and started sticking needles into those funny looking dolls, the needles are being pricked on me instead. My arm is 85% back to normal, thanks to my rehab combined with alternative medicine- acupuncture, that is. Will write this blog in full when I'm no longer busy. Still have to study for an exam. I just finished troubleshooting the audio player in this blog. For a while, it has gone mute. At last I figured out what was wrong. Will be back soon.

House of Flying Dagger Looks

MYMP

Soulful renditions from MYMP. The most unforgettable number that night was their version of Expose's "I'll Never Get Over You..." A song I often ignored and found cornball when played on the radio but was given a fresh twist when Juris sang it so beautifully that I found myself close to tears. Well, her voice knows how to find its way to the raw nerve in her audience and stick the fork in, eliciting major ouch!
..."i know that i oughta find someone new but all i find is myself always thinkin' of you"


My first nightout after what I've been through. Nobody had to know I was a mutant. My arm cooperated, except for minor mishaps.


Pips with her sisters

Disarmed and Dangerous

I was on my 4th day of rehab and so far i'm seeing improvements. Still not 100% back to normal but at least i'm witnessing steady progress. No, I'm not a drug junkie though my anorexic-like frame could mistake me for one. My rehab has to do with the physical therapy I'm undergoing to restore the normal function of my left arm. Not drug rehab.

Still havent gone back to work this week. I was hoping things would have been better before Monday but despite my efforts, my arm was still causing havoc everywhere. Still dropping and slapping objects unintentionally. I really wanted to go back to work, not because I'm a workaholic but because I feel I've been gone for too long that somebody might put me in the missing persons list already. The fact that I barely started my residency 4 months ago, I wouldn't want them to think that I've contemplated on quitting again.

This brachial plexopathy was an unforeseen complication of the mastectomy. I thought everything was going to be ok a week after the surgery and I could resume my usual activities after 2 weeks. I never imagined losing function of one of my extremities would be this difficult and would take this long to correct. My rehab doctor noted some of my muscles started showing signs of atrophy. She advised that I undergo an EMG (electromyography) test in Cebu for prognostication. I am counting this is something reversible.

At this time some areas in my left arm are still numb while motor functions of some muscles especially the biceps have been severely affected. I cannot lift anything in the supine position of the arm. It always turns the other way around. When I tried eating a sundae cone using my left hand, yeah you know what happened next.

I'm worried about going back to work in this state. I'm wondering how I'd carry my food tray, my books, my stuffs without causing catastrophe to the people around me. I'm really hoping that I'll be well enough by this weekend. I'm watching the MYMP concert with Pips this Saturday and she doesn't know my arms are still flying at this time. I didn't want her to cancel my ticket if she learns that I'm not perfectly well yet. I wanted to watch this one so badly.

My surgeon wants to have my biopsy slides reviewed when she goes to Manila next month. She thinks my case was an interesting one. No one would suspect it would be ductal papilloma based on clinical presentation. I just hope if they read it otherwise, it wouldn't turn out to be something more morbid. If it does, I really don't know what to do next coz I'm losing strength by now, figuratively and literally speaking. I'm honestly trying to fight my battles as courageously as I can but I don't know how long I can hold it. Really, I hope there would be an end to these soon. Please God, hear me out.

Uncovering Frustrations

Grab a copy now! The one to the left is Cosmo Philippines' May issue while the other one is sold at some parallel universe where people live inside their heads. Take your pick.