Year 2004 has been one big roller coaster ride for me. Last Christmas, a personalized greeting came from Ai, "Merry Christmas, Grace. Wishing you all the luck in the coming year. No more heartaches and headaches." Truly, this year has been highlighted by heartbreaks from all aspects of my life, not only from a romantic point of view. Happiness when it comes, is fleeting. Yet, what isn't? Even pain is temporary. We gotta learn to roll with the punches. Here are highlights of the year in the life of an ordinary girl who tried to find her place in the sun.
I drove my own car. I've been a licensed driver for five years now but I never had the guts to drive on my own until this year. It had to take an automatic honda city 2003 to get me driving. I remember the first time I drove it without any other licensed driver with me. My mom was my first passenger. Seeing her hold on to a rosary while I was driving made me all the more anxious. There were times she couldn't contain her own nervousness that she was actually reciting the rosary out loud. Waahh… mom, stop it. In the first few months of driving, my attacks of hyperacidity made me want to puke just before I started the engine. I learned that driving takes a lot of maturity and understood why you shouldn't keep a gun inside the car. Damn these boorish drivers, they could seriously get your blood boiling! My violent propensities make me want to shoot each one of them in the head. It wasn't long before I heard myself uttering profanities that sounded more like the devil speaking through my tongue. Playing feel –good (or is it feel-vain) songs “Pretty Woman” and “I’m Too Sexy” on the car stereo did help me keep my cool.
It was a year of Mr. Wrongs. Of toads disguised as princes that at one point or another made me consider a life at the pond. I'd rather not expound on this blow by blow coz I got the whole blog that tackles on this one. The highlight would be me curling up in a dark corner of my room, bursting into a fit of desperate tears, talking to Elaine on the phone asking "what's wrong with me? why can't he like me back?" boohoohoo. Eeew. Hehehe! I couldn't help laughing at myself reminiscing that scene but ugh! it did hurt too much. The pain was THISCLOSE to sending me into neurogenic shock. It's just so sad that after all these years, I'm still playing the role of Eponine. A most-coveted role theatrically but not in real life. Listening to "A little fall of rain" still feels like a dagger through my heart. Enough already. I hope I don't leave this world not knowing how's it to be a Cosette in some Marius' life. (uh, Cosette, dear not Casette or Corsette.. geez)
I entered and left Internal Medicine Residency. I've been delaying my entry into this for the longest time. Finally, with Isobelle taking the plunge at it, I went for it too. It took a major push for me to dive into it. On my first day I actually puked before heading to the hospital. Isobelle called in sick and had to undergo therapy for the next 2 weeks so that left me as the sole 1st year resident for the time being. Good thing my seniors especially Dra. Pam were so supportive of me. Internal Medicine, whether in a big or small hospital, will always be demanding. It was exceptionally toxic when I was on duty. I carried over my vampiric lifestyle, hence my patients arrived at the most ungodly hours. Isobelle and I noticed we were growing white hairs in our late 20’s. We were getting polyphagic yet losing pounds which was good for everyone except me. I didn’t want to reach a point when patients would be asking where’s the resident on duty and there would I be, showing up like an unfed *Negros kid. I honestly enjoyed learning at Internal Medicine but the demands took its toll on me which made me ask if that was the life I wanted. Add to that the fact that I was only going for it to pursue my dermatology dreams. I wasted 2 long years just to have a shot at the specialty that didn’t want me and now I was taking the long road just to get there. I learned that there are things that will never love you back and thus, you have to let go. I quit training after barely 2 months and a week.
I started blogging. I went into a major depression. After quitting Internal Medicine, I didn’t know where to go. I was already 28 and wasn’t on training. I chose to shift into Radiology which wasn’t exactly thrilled to have me in unlike Internal Medicine. The options of training some place else like Cebu or Manila didn’t sound good to my family. My mom wasn’t talking to me everytime I brought out that topic. After all, they bought me my car in one condition, that I have my residency training here in this city. I actually had my car in exchange of my freedom. Throw in a guy problem on top of a career dilemma and there I was, on the brink of insanity. Although I usually keep my heart on a leash, there are times when it starts beating frantically that leads me into trouble. I fall hard and deep, deep enough to meet the creatures from the underworld. Then it gets difficult to pull me up from there. My friends tried all words of exorcism to get me back on track. It has been said that a wise man acknowledges the fact that that he is on pain and does something about it while a foolish man denies it and looks for ways to mask it. I did acknowledge that I was in pain, in major pain at that. It was evident on my blogs. My friends were worried I was starting to be suicidal based on my blog entries. For the record, I may sound a weakling whining through my posts but suicidal ideations are not my cup of tea. I just needed a place to vent out all my pains. I have to thank Gail for getting me into blogging, this spared me from the trip to the shrink.
I made peace with myself. The hardest person to forgive is yourself. I blamed myself for not keeping my heart in check, for allowing myself to be treated like dirt, for not starting residency early on, for being such a loser in general. I can be really hard on myself and afterwards sulk in my own pity pot. How tempting it is to take revenge on those who took advantage of my weaknesses. I could simply call on Mama Fe for her witchcraft spells and be tearfully happy watching my wrongdoers lead a miserable life. How come I still want them finding their true happiness, their own solace from pain when I’m not at all gunning for sainthood? I guess the more you hurt someone, the more you’re giving them the chance to hurt you in return. Wishing for others’ misery is not a very mature thing to do. It can get exhausting and you’ll only find yourself in the losing end. Letting go may not be easy but oftentimes, it’s the only way out. Free your mind, your soul, and the rest will follow. It’s not how many times you fall but how many many times you got up after each fall. I’m starting my Radiology residency next month. Finally, I’m staying in it. No more trips to Manila in the next four years but I know it will only take a while. It’s a well-paying job and definitely less taxing than Internal Medicine. At least it’s not something that would land me a role in the next stresstabs ad. I thank everyone who’s been there for me and even those who caused me pain. They contributed a whole lot to my maturity. I can say the year was pretty eventful and I did a lot of growing up this year. Finally, I learned to forgive myself.
*negros kid has to do with the 1970's sugar slump in Negros Occidental, not talking about blacks here
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