Huling Hirit for 2005

...I wanted to post my year-ender but then I am not in the mood for dramatic yakking right now. I just recovered from a difficult chemo cycle. If not for Elaine's hilarious messages on the yahoo chatroom a few hours before my last chemo session, it would have been another emotional on top of being a difficult cylcle. I admit I have a low laughing threshold. It may be the same reason why I enjoy being in theRadio dept, people are always funny in there, especially Sir Ruel, who by the way I promised a video with him in it. I love surrounding myself with funny people.

...I've been thinking of selling some of my clothes and bags which I never used. Since my brother and his family moved to their new house (my big brother's house), transporting my stuffs made me realize I got plenty of clothes that I no longer wear and things that only gathered dusts. Since I don't know how to put up a garage sale, I'm thinking of selling them through the internet.

...I'm the type who keeps things for sentimental reasons. The candy wrapper of the goodies that my crush gave me during med school, to the tickets to the concerts and basketball games I've watched are still with me. Maybe I seriously need to learn a thing or two about letting go. Holding on is a carcinogenic trait, so I've learned.

... A few hours left before 2006. I'm actually excited about what's in store for me. I'm crossing my fingers it will be a better year for me and my friends who have been crying for most of 2005. Mama Fe, Tina and mga Dyosa friends, Alex, etc... We'll stop crying na ha? Things can only get better, trust me. There are seasons in our lives we have to go through. Now is the beginning of another season we should look forward to.

Wishing everyone a fruitful year head filled with God's blessings. :)

Birthday Pics

captions to follow... still have to prepare for my chemo this afternoon.

Birthday and Christmas Bits

The past week has been real busy for most of us. I almost completely forgot about my "critical" condition and went on to celebrate the happiest times of the year. Here are tidbits of the week:

-Epok, who's on my friendster list and a team mate of Marco (yeah, the dreamboat) greeted me on my birthday. For someone with a celebrity status greeting me on my special day, I was caught off-guard and was really touched by the gesture. He is definitely one of the nicest ( not to mention cutest) guys from the blue eagles.

-Marco, the dreamboat replied to my forwarded christmas message. Styx, Melissa and I were talking about him last Friday and it just dawned on me to greet him after 3 years, just to check if he still has the same number. Still the same nice Marco that I liked. But then we're not friends. I will forever be a fan and I'm contented with that.

-My model friend Carlo greeted me after a long time of not communicating with each other. I actually forgot to include him in my text greetings for friends. He gave me a personalized greeting and I was amused that he still remembers me.

-I noticed most of my friends' Christmas greetings came with names of them and their other halves. Like "Merry Christmas from Jayson and Sharon... from Bong and Brenda.... from Dave and Techie" Even my good friend from high school who's in a happy relationship with another girl also signed out her greetings with her name and her girlfriend's name. I replied to Sharon,who knows my flipside, "Merry Christmas, too... from M---- and Grace. Hehehe. Sharon laughed it off. I was tempted to also sign out "From Orlando and Grace Bloom".

-When I turned 20, I got depressed. I didn't want to leave my teenage years. I stayed at home and let the day passed like it was just another ordinary day. This year, I was afraid that might happen again, with me turning *ouch* 30. But with everything that has happened to me this year, I've learned about life's uncertainties. We'll never know when it's going to be our last birthday. So I decided to celebrate it despite my status. This is the first time in a long time that I didn't celebrate it with my "Dyosa Lolas". Like Mama Fe says, nasira ang "panata" ko to be with them at this time of the year. (It's ok, we'll be seeing one another in April for my rad theraphy.) I spent my day instead with my "talent pool" and friends at the hospital. And I didn't regret it.

-This year has been my most emotional birthday and christmas. On my birthday, I couldn't hold back tears. Not because some people I expected to remember me have forgotten about me but because the folks I wasn't expecting to greet me went out of their way to let me know they remembered me. How very touching. Last night, as I was packing my presents for my family, I was all in tears. I was happy because God gave me another year to spend christmas with the people I love but at the same time sad because I didn't know how many birthdays and christmases I have left to spend before my health finally gives in.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Highly Recommended

"Who Stole My Magic" by Jenny Manuel, the latest book published by Summit, the publisher of leading magazines like Cosmopolitan. This is not just for women who had a recent break up. This is a good read for anyone who has had their heart broken, something to put them back on track. I recommended this book to Mama Fe and just now she texted me that she was touched and it made her cry. Nope this isn't a drama fiction but a handy booklet that contains advices that are a sure fire way to bring back senses into your head which, in one way or another has been slightly damaged by that little thing called love. My favorite advice was the "don't bother asking why". Here's a line from that chapter, "Asking someone to explain why they don't love you, or won't love you or can't love you is like asking someone to explain why the wind blows."

Go buy it. It sells P150 at magazine stands. It would make a nice Christmas present for friends nursing their broken hearts, on the brink of insanity.

These Guys Will Guard My Blog While I Go Celebrate my Birthday and the Holidays

I can almost hear Ai saying "san mo na naman nakuha yang mga lalaki mo?" They're probably macho dancers somewhere, but since they are appearing on my blog, they have to dance wholesome albeit funny moves. Dance mga bading, dance!

Ramblings

I'm taking a leave from the world again. This afternoon would be sked for my 4th chemo. I am praying it doesn't get worse from my previous cycles. I hope to recover fast.

I don't know but I'm feeling more at peace these days. Happy, even. If I die today, it will be one happy death. But I still want to watch the ongoing SEA games, though. Some other time then.

The Other Side Of Pinoy Big Brother

I've been browsing through the net and found a link to the song from which the theme song of the show has been allegedly ripped off, “Chandeliers” by Care. After hearing it, there was no doubt about it. It was a reflection of one of pinoy’s worst traits- copying or stealing. Orange and Lemons cannot be singled out for this crime because other local bands are guilty of that as well. There’s Cueshes’ “Stay”, from Silverchair’s “The Greatest View” and Session Road’s "Leaving You" from "Garmonbozia" by the Superdrag. But the "Chandeliers" to "Pinoy Ako" rip- off is the most obvious. Apart from discovering the embarrassing fact on the show’s theme song, I skimmed over other alarming aspects of the show. There are really sleazy pictures of the Pinoy Big Brother housemates circulating in the net. Scenes which were not aired on tv. Pictures included the resident pokpok, Chx (pardon again for that word but I couldn't find a more suitable word for her except slut) doing a lap dance on Sam and kissing him lewdly. The more outrageous pic featured Chx again, this time giving a grubby lip service to another female, Cass, while Uma, JB and Sam watched. Major Eeeoww! Wherever Chx is, indecency follows, or is it the other way around or vice versa? If you’re a Chx fan and you applaud the woman’s being real about giving in to her impulses, then good luck. Some people have a slightly different idea of reality and giving in to impulses all the time wastes your rational self. Sometimes I do pity her, thoughts of her suffering a traumatic or unhappy childhood to end up like that pops up, but then she’s old enough to take responsibilities for her actions.

Cass is a personal favorite because of her candidness and evident kindness which makes up for whatever she lacks in the IQ department. Yet seeing her doing those deeds disgusted me big time. Those scenes took place in the earlier part of PBB when the housemates were obviously trying to catch attention by shocking the viewers. They probably were trying to move along the the idea of the foreign version of the show in which housemates were as vulgar as having sex inside the house, aware of the cameras around and the rules that prohibited the act. Apparently, they caught the ire of Filipino viewers and drew violent reactions which lead the show's brief suspension by the MTRCB.

I only started following the show after Chx's eviction. I have been hearing comments about the un-pinoy actions and liberated implications of the show that's why it never caught my interest. The management should take credit though, for listening to the viewers' reactions. Big brother reprimanded Chx by not allowing her to come close to Sam within 3 meters for a few days after the incident. Obviously, she didn't learn much from the experience coz on her eviction night, she gave the surprised Sam a smack once more before leaving (humirit pa ang gaga). They toned down on any adult material that the public may find repulsive and focused on assigning the housemates tasks that will benefit the less fortunate pinoys. Staying inside the house also polished most of the housemates' character. It sends the message that change or improvement is possible, as long as the person is willing to learn. Sometimes the punishments can get out of hand but the persons (save for Franzen, maybe) on the receiving end of the penalties learn, nonetheless. Franzen, the resident rule breaker had to learn his lesson the hard way, through forced eviction. It was fair enough.

I still favor Cass among the housemates despite that incident or even if she’s a smoker and have less of the gray mater because she's sincere and open to change. Uma is still as interestingly blunt as ever. I like Say’s fashion sense, her being on the conservative side and being smart enough, but she tends to be overly maarte sometimes and touchy when she was warned by Cass once. My bet for the big winner, may be Nene or Jason. Nene is the most efficient among the housemates and takes on her tasks without much protest unlike Say or Uma. Jason draws the public's sympathy because his financial status. With Franzen now out of the race, he may possibly bring home the bacon through Franzen’s support crowd. We’ll see. Kara, the founder of our cancer support group who’s a broadcast journalist by profession has been tasked to work on a documentary about the said show when it ends. If I were anywhere near her, I’d volunteer as an intern. (Digression: Meeting Sam would be nice but learning the ropes in documentary production would be cooler. It will save me from the headaches which I encountered in our Radiology Department docu which I "attempted" to produce, direct and edit 3 months ago. More on that in another blog entry later, say 10 years from now, hehe.)

Let The Games Begin

As of writing, the Philippines has snagged 4 golds. Two were from dance sport, an event which the Filipinos have dominated. One was from long jump, and another from diving. Malaysia is at the top position in the medal count with five golds.

I watched the opening ceremonies at the Luneta grandstand earlier tonight on IBC 13 and I could only wish I was there to be a part of this momentous occasion. But then,even if I were in Manila at this time, there wouldn't be anyone I know interested as much with the events as I am and besides, it is much more comfy watching it at home. Mikee Cojuangco-Jaworski, one of the women I highly regard, was the Philippine delegates' flag bearer. She also lead the athletes' oath. Toni Leviste, a champion equestrienne like Mikee carried the torch riding her horse and passed it on to taekwondo olympian Antoniette Rivero who took it all the way from the Rizal Monument to the grandstand, passing through the crowd, reminscent of the red sea parting.

A promising nine year old Julie Abueva sang the SEA games theme song penned by Jose Mari Chan. Bayang Barrios performed well-choreogaphed numbers which showcased the rich Filipino culture while Ryan Cayabyab conducted the San Miguel Philharmonic Orchestra. Of course, who could miss Rivermaya's rendition of their hit songs with the orchestra on the background. Coolness. Rock and orchestra do mix. The last time I went to Philippine Philharmonic orchestra's concert, listening to the Philippine anthem played live gave me goose bumps. I once fantasized about inviting an orchestra to play music on my wedding but of course that would be a remote possibility in this lifetime (the wedding, more than the idea of the orchestra, that is). Listening to a rock band playing good music with the orchestra was refreshing.

My blog about the 1991 SEA games is yet to be written. In the coming days, I wish to hear the national anthem played frequently as our flag is being raised to signify another gold streak. Long live our athletes!

What Your birthday Says About You

click this. Mine says I'm still chasing cats.I don't know if I should be happy or worried about my life path.

Your birth tree is:

Beech, the Creative

Has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialist, good organisation of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).


Life Path Number:
11

The number 11 Life Path has the connotation of illumination describing its general focus. This is the number associated with spiritual awareness. As one of the two master numbers, the 11 yields understanding and knowledge beyond the grasp of others. The attitude toward life of those possessing this Life Path is somewhat extreme; extremely intuitive, avant-garde, idealistic, visionary, and cultured. These extremes make you an interesting, if unusual person, with much to offer society. The Life Path 11 person is deep-thinking, and you are no doubt interested in understanding many of life's mysteries and more intriguing facets. Your inventive mind and broad-minded views will permit you to succeed in life in any number of ventures. You can best serve society, however, in those endeavors utilizing your skills of counseling and guidance. Much of your idealism is people oriented and quite humanitarian in nature. You expect a great deal of yourself and of those to whom you are close.

On the negative side, there is a lot of nervous tension associated with the 11 life path, and you can be a difficult person to deal with because of this. For this reason, relationships, at times, can be difficult. This is a Life Path that seems to feature broad mood swings between the elation and depression. You are likely to have trouble making decisions and getting your life in gear, so to speak. There is a tendency for the 11 to harbor feelings of uneasiness, and dissatisfaction with accomplishments and personal progress in life. Your grandiose schemes usually make sense, but you can get off the track and they can be very impractical. You have a very distinct side that lacks common sense, and you are quite often unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality. In this regard, you are perhaps more of a dreamer than a doer. When you do get on target, your ideas seem to have been inspired on high. Perhaps you are not a leader, but you are a visionary and a very talented idea person.

Go Philippine Team!

6 days to go before the opening of the 23rd SEA games. The last time the country sponsored this event was in 1991. No, I'm not posting this because of this cute and smart guy named Ernest Dee (younger brother of model AJ Dee) who's competing in the swimming events. My passion for the SEA games started way back in 1991 when I went as far as having my dad buy this expensive coffee table book by Jaime Zobel de Ayala which featured the athletes who participated in that event. Will blog about that soon. I just had a bout of fever and I'm going back to work again tomorrow. Got to rest. Til Then!

Yayness

Yay! Marco, my dream guy has added photos to his friendster. He looks kinda old in his new pic, his wrinkles are showing. I wanted to message him and ask what camera he used coz the photo came out really crisp and clear.Of course I didn't do it. It's been a long time since I last interacted with him and I wouldn't want him to remember my blue eagles stalker days. Thinking of him reminded me that I used to have a fine taste in men. Whatever happened to that. Darn.

By the way, I just got back from hell for the 3rd time. From chemo, that is. Sorry is due to my dear friends who have been texting me during those hell days, to no avail. Sorry if I seemed impolite. I've been dead to the world and I was forcing myself to sleep in an attempt to escape that horrible feeling brought about by chemo. God, I hate cancer. Nobody deserves to go through such hell. Not even my loathers. I couldn't explain the feeling. It's like wanting to throw up all the time and ncthing comes out. That and the metallic taste in your mouth gives you an aversion to food. But it's not just that. There seemed to be something going on inside your body and not being able to understand what was exactly wrong with it. All I knew was that it was disgusting. The worst part of it is knowing I'll have to keep coming back to hell every 21 days for 3 more cycles. This gets me thinking if this is really worth all the trouble. I can only hope it is.

Mama Fe, my next chemo schedule will be on December 2. Schedule your depression any day but that or a few days after that. It will be tough putting back senses into your head with me traversing hell at those times. Hearing your love affairs with monsters made me want to puke all the more. Things will get better, just believe.

Alex, thanks for the nice thoughts. For the first time at least I wasn't waiting for the text or call that I knew would never come. Not that it came, maybe I was just too sick and too tired to care. I'll be going back to work tomorrow. Speaking of work, it really shames me that I have to be absent for a long time everytime I undergo chemo.But I don't want to go back to work in a very pathetic state either, with a vomit bag around me all the time. I'm just thankful that my bosses and colleagues are understanding enough of my condition. They have arranged that I don't go on 24 hrs while on chemo. I really hope this ordeal will be over soon so I'd stop being a burden to my co-workers.

Styx and the gang, thanks for being there. You be good as you always are, alright?

Pong2x, thanks for the vcds you lent me. It really helped fight off depression while I was recuperating.

To the rest of the angels who walk on earth to help me keep going, I thank God for you!

To Let Go

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do
it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I
can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural
consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome
is not in my hands.

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to
make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human
being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to effect their destinies.

To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to
face reality.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search
out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to
take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try
to become what I dream I can be.

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for
the future.

To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.

-- Unknown

Sam-one Has Been Evicted

Sam Milby, that handsome housemate from the show "Pinoy Big Brother" has been evicted last night. I find it amusing watching that show because it allows you to observe human behavior on the boob tube. Of course, there's that nosy nature of people who want to pry into other people's lives especially when it's there for viewing. I'm no exception to that. Among my favorite characters besides Sam, are Uma and Cass. I enjoy Uma's bluntness and his opinions make sense. Although Cass comes off as a dumb blonde, despite her vixen image, she is in fact a naive person unmindful of her actions and words. That makes her spontaneous and at times, funny. I wonder about the psychological impact on the housemates being stuck in a house for 100 days that deprives them of connection from the outside world. Would it have any traumatic bearing on their psyche? The management of the show are aware of this hence they hired a resident psychologist to check on the housemates from time to time.


Watching Sam frequently silent inside the house because of the language barrier lead him into being misunderstood as someone distant, with a world of his own. But then he is an artist (he's a good singer, song writer, guitarist, gymnast, figure skater among other things) and artists tend to have eccentricities that others fail to comprehend.I should know, coz I charge my attacks of "topak" to my artistic temperament. Scapegoat.


Tina, di kita inaagawan sa Papa Sam mo ha! It's just that it's nice to find some people who seem to have everything yet know how to keep their feet on the ground. Yes, this guy's so humble and I hope his fame doesn' change that. The downside to him (besides borrowing Uma's briefs) is that he tends to get easily tempted by aggressive girls. I just hope that he stays away from Chx now that they've been both evicted.I have nothing personal against that girl but I have an enormous digust over slutty girls. Oh pardon that word. That's being harsh. I admire her honesty and guts but let's just say I abhor women who can't accord themselves due respect. I don't think honesty, guts and respect can't come together. They're the women who give us women, a bad name. Well before this post turns into an anti-Chx-type-of-girls entry, I can only hope that Sam's star will shine in the real world. This guy is too talented to be cute. His good looks remind me of my partner in our grad ball in med school. Sigh.

I Remember The Days I Knew What Happiness Was

Wearing my first halter, I didn't
know a thing about cancer







Before Pia Guanio, I looked like Bert Marcelo

Breakfast With Styx

Styx was just in time when she texted me that she was back in town for a short break from her internship in Dumaguete. I was already packing my things, ready to head home from my 24h duty when my phone beeped. It's been a while since I last saw her and it was the first time she saw me in a wig. Despite my dropping blood count, we went to a restaraunt that served an eat all you can meal and tried to catch up with the latest events in our lives. The look of love was all over her face as I asked her about the love of her life. She couldn't wipe off the grin as she talked about him. Sigh. I was happy as well to know that she and her classmates were doing well in Siliman and making a good impression on their colleagues and seniors. Of course, like I told them before, the hard work at Xavier especially during senior clerkship really pays off in the end. It was fun having you around again, Styx. Study well for the boards next year! Give my Regards to our "bandmates" Melissa and Taweng. :)

Remembering Rico

It must be horrible dying with a broken heart. I can imagine the pain of it all. I know you're in a better place now, Rico. We'll be seeing each other soon.





Ricardo Carlos Yan
March 14, 1975- March 29 2002

Vanity Speaks Unplugged

You have the option to plug your ears, though, coz I'm putting up a concert here at my site. Just because I can't go out for videoke doesn't mean I'll stop howling, err..singing. My blog has been a perfect venue for my frustrations in life.I don't know how to make the built-in player on this blog work with mozilla firefox so I'm providing a link to the song, instead. However, if you're using internet explorer, you have to turn off the player when you decide to listen to my concert.

Ladies and gentlemen, I dedicate this song to myself. I hope I like it.

This would be perfect in a piano bar, not necessarily sang on top of the piano.Click here.

Bull's Eye

ROSE: Have you ever been in love?

DESIRE: You might say that.

ROSE: Horrible, isn't it?

DESIRE: In what way?

ROSE: It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "Maybe we should just be friends" or "How very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way to your heart.

DESIRE: How picturesque.

ROSE: It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that.

Especially not love.

I hate love.

-The Kindly Ones, Sandman by Gaiman

Apples, Monkeys and Bananas

"Women are like apples on trees, the best ones are on the top of the tree. The men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and don't want to get hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't so good but easy. So, the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top because they value quality."

-Anonymous

I often get this text message from well-meaning friends who only want to reassure me that there is nothing wrong with me. I appreciate the thought but somehow this got me thinking. I really don't mind staying atop the tree forever til the day I drop to the ground and die.The ones who climb all the way to the top are not necessarily the valiant knights we have been waiting for, because some men with monkey-like attributes climb towards your direction, mistaking you for a banana. Only then that it saddens me that there was no prince in sight to save you from the monkeys. You can only hope that these apples will grow wings so they can escape from the disgust.

Yes, I know I'm being a bitch.

Bald and Beautiful

The boyfriend I never had.

A Sign of Boredom

Lord, if you can't give me Marco B., then just make me as gorgeous as this girl. But first, please cure me of my cancer. (I can almost hear God saying "Grasya, sumosobra ka na yata")

This Brought Me Close To Tears

Click the thumbnail to view the video

Extra Challenge

In a few hours I'll be off to my second cycle of chemo. Just the thought of it makes me wanna puke again. While most women of my age are preoccupied with either living out their dreams in their chosen career paths or seducing men, here I am conquering some monster in the form of cancer. What an adventure.

There's that tone of bitterness again. Most likely, it has to do with the latter preoccupation of women my age. Whether or not I have cancer, that wouldn't be among my special skills anyway. As if.

God Spoke To me

Last Thursday, I had my CBC taken. My WBC dropped to 1.5 (normal is 5-10) my hemoglobin was 10 (normal at least 12). That night, my hair started falling off. It was an unnerving experience to say the least. The fact that I was severely immunocompromised was bothering. If I get infected today, tomorrow I could be under the respirator. Seeing the chunks of my hair all over was discomforting as well. It was a difficult time to be brave. The following day, when I got inside the car and switched the radio on, this song played. That moment, I knew God was telling me something. He was making His presence felt.

HEALING by Deniece Williams

Now that we have gotten through
One more fall
I can just admit I've got it all
Cause I do
Cause I've got you
We've crossed these battle lines to many times
It passes throught the heart
But it never leaves a mark

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more clue
One more chance that wasnt there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling
Lord I know that Your love is healing

I've kicked around those lines in my head
But I've never listened to the words that You said
See where its lead
Well I know I have it now
Cause You showed me how
And all I had to do
Was just to keep my eyes on You

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more clue
One more chance that wasnt there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling
Lord I know that Your love is healing

(break)

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more clue
One more chance that wasnt there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling

Lord I know that Your love is healing

Like Nothing's Changed

Last Friday, my real hair was all over the reading room so I started wearing a wig. I'm trying to look normal except that I wear a mask all the time at work.

Faking It

I stroll at the malls with my wig on. I get paranoid when people look at me. Ever since I started wearing a wig,sales ladies are extra nice to me,male sales clerks are trying to start a conversation with me. It makes me wonder if it shows that I have cancer and the world is being sympathetic with me. Or if they could tell it's a wig atop my head.It leaves me feeling like a freak.

My Hair A Week Before It Started Falling Off

When I had long hair, I looked girly and flirty. With this hair, it appears as though I could kick balls (kicking ass is too easy. kicking balls takes skills and gives you that satisfying howling sound.) Wait til you see me in my shaven head. With it, I could pass for someone who's been convicted of some asshole's murder.

"I Can Eat" Dinner

At Tita Vicky's Home in Valle Verde
photos courtesy of Marissa N.

A Duckling Lost in a Flock of Eagles

ok, so maybe i'm not a duckling but an eaglet, who will someday soar too
photo taken from icanserve.com

Wa Poise Picture

I wasn't trying to draw out something dangerous there, trust me
Photo taken from icanserve.com

A League of Extraordinary Women

My surgeon, Doc Frankie, who, like me is battling cancer, invited me to join this group. After being diagnosed with the disease, I just wanted to curl up and die. I chose not to be treated. My doctor went out of her way to convince me to choose life. She was reaching out to me not as an attending physician but as a friend. With hesitation, I signed up with the group. Deep down, I wondered if I deserved to be among them. They were brave, positive and inspiring, everything that I wasn't. Some of them are prominent figures in media while the rest are successful women in their respective fields. All of them strong and determined to fight cancer. I felt like a lost duckling in a flock of eagles. I hardly participated in the exchange of emails among members.

In the Breast Cancer forum which they organized lately, I got to meet them personally. We members could identify one another with our distinct name tags. When they saw me, they welcomed me with much warmth, hugged me like they've known me for ages. There were unspoken words that said, "I know exactly how you feel". Although they call themselves survivors, they were aware that the struggle of a cancer patient extends beyond treatment and remission. Most of them, though finished with treatments know that there will always be the possibility of recurrence, for as long as we live. Hence the need to draw strength from one another.They offered words of encouragement and hope. In the dinner they hosted for members from outside of Manila, I got to chat with them more.I never felt like an outsider. Their presence was comforting and not the least bit intimidating, even if I got a little starstrucked by some of them sometimes. They were a happy bunch. Their positive outlook was contagious. They were all so full of life, with no trace of cancer that once hit them.

Being diagnosed with cancer is like being issued an open ticket to the afterlife. You know that anytime you could go, you just don't know when exactly. It's then up to you how you spend your time when it isn't your scheduled flight yet. You could either drop everything that's going on in your life, head straight to the predeparture area, wait indefinitely for your turn to board . Or you could keep the ticket safe, go on with life, savor every moment of it, correct the things that need to be fixed, speak the words that should be spoken , laugh a lot and yet still be mindful of the boarding call that could come anytime. An advantage of having an illness like cancer is that it allows you to prepare, appreciate the little things that you used to ignore, and let go of the unecessary baggages. If I were to believe in statistics that say I only have 56% chance of surviving beyond 5 years, then I should be deciding at this time what pictures to put atop my coffin, songs to play at my funeral and the like. But then I choose to believe beyond what statistics offer. My newfound family taught me one important lesson in life: to believe. This is how they found their own silver linings. I believe there's a God seeing me through all these. I believe He knows what's best for me. I believe He brought me here for a reason. I have a task to fulfill. If my sufferings bring me closer to accomplishing my purpose, so be it. His will be done. Cancer once made me feel so out of control over my own life. Now I have learned to surrender everything to Him, let him take over the steering wheel of my life, while I relax and enjoy the journey. I know I'm in safe hands even as I go through rough patches of the road. I will be where I should be in His time.

Remember Me This Way

The War Has Begun

Two days ago I had my first cycle of chemo. I puked twice. I felt awful, the reality that I was indeed sick finally caught up. I didn't want anyone to see me in my pathetic condition. I discouraged my friends from visiting me at the hospital. One down and 5 more cycles to go. Now I know why chemo is something you wouldn't wish, even for your worst enemy.

My oncologist stressed again that I should take a leave from work. The hospital environment poses grave danger for my immunocompromised status. I could suffer from febrile neutropenia or worst, sepsis. If only I wasn't on 1st year residency training and my renewal isn't at stake, then I'd gladly take a leave. If only life wasn't full of tough choices.

Today I had my hair chopped. My long hair is gone. After years of spending thousands of bucks for it, I'm back to my old short-haired look. I feel not only plain but ugly. I was sobbing upon seeing myself in the mirror. I didn't know it would be this depressing. Maybe it's the poison presently running through my veins, or maybe I just didn’t get the style I wanted and I'm being just too vain.

Thanks to everyone who continue to make their presence felt. It's a tough time to deal with me at this point. I am self-loathing, sad and will resist every word of hope you will offer. But thanks for all the patience, care and understanding. God is still good, because He gave you all to me.

Gaganda Ng Mga Lola Ko

Birds of The Same Feather Duster

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Originally uploaded by leggylass.

Finding My Silver Linings

My Sassy Boy

With Puff Daddy and Dodge