I've been feeling spaced out lately. I read my Paul and Juhl's at 1 hour per page. My thoughts wander as I listen to the songs that play on my car stereo (courting danger, yes). I stare at a perfectly normal x-ray for a long time while my mind drifts away. In an attempt to rationalize things, I still don't get why I'm feeling what I'm feeling. I know he's not the one, can't be the one and I certainly don't want him to be the one. Yet he consumes my thoughts. I think I've been poisoned and I haven't found the antidote to it.
Elaine asks me if he knows what I'm going through, hell no. My pride is all that is left of me now. What, stroke his ego by asking him "so how does it feel to be one who jabs the knife into my hapless soul?" Eww. I'm not giving him that form of flattery. Not until hell freezes over.
At my other blog at xanga, my entries containing my whinings on him generated the most comments. I proclaimed myself healed and switched all of the previous entries to private mode. However, like a cancer that relapses, it's haunting me all over again, pulling me down more than ever. If I can't get this off my system, this would have to be my fall. The end of all the great things for me.
I'm not blaming anyone for this. Like I always say, this is self-inflicted. This is not much about him, this is about me holding on to a lie, to a ludicrous flicker of hope. Clinging to a rotten sentiment is emotionally damaging. I fear its ascent to my brains. When the right one comes along, I wouldn't want him to catch me at such a dysfunctional state. Being damaged up there is not a very alluring quality. Time to gather my composure now and get back to doing my thing.I know I'll be okay. I can handle this with grace.
digression: whoa! ain't it cool to be writing this with "die another day" playing on my background. check the player on the right lower side of this page.
2 comments:
According to Erikson, my dear, you have to resolve this phase you're going through, as most of the other people of our age..The period of INTIMACY vs ISOLATION. You have until your 30s anyway (that's the good news). The bad news is, if you fail to resolve this stage of development, it may and can lead to mental illness. SO go on out and get some intimacy. Never mind the hurt and sorrow. Try and try until you succeed..its your mental health that's on the line... :)
thanks for the insight. however, i think one will have a greater chance of developing mental illness if 1.)you subject yourself into the inhuman pressure of finding a significant other just because everybody else have one. society can be cruel. you rush and end up picking the wrong one. this spells misery. 2.) if you let yourself fall for someone who's into somebody else, with the hope that he'll see your true worth and learn to love you back. coz more often than not, he won't. 3.) putting up with someone despite that he brings you emotional abuse just because no one else is there.
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