For somebody burning with ambition throughout her youth, it’s disappointing to realize that at 28, I am not living my dreams. Aware of the fact that I should consider myself blessed for having achieved something that many people would painstakingly struggle for- my medical career, which I, myself earned with blood, sweat and tears, I am shamed to admit that I may not have enough zest to sustain such feat .
Unlike most peers who grew up wanting to be doctors, I on the other hand, never asked for a healing hand. Nevertheless, I was gifted to have one. By the time I was on my senior year in high school, I was more than ecstatic of the thought of getting into college to study multimedia arts/visual arts or something along that line. I’ve always been drawn to the arts. When my creative mind is at work, it gives me the natural high. When I wanted something, I worked with passion to achieve it. My drive in anything I wanted defied all the limits I set to myself.
Fate, however had other plans. I ended up stuck in my city that didn’t offer the course that I had in mind. The closest one, development communications, didn’t come as close as I wanted so I settled for BS Biology, the course so-not-for-me yet for some reason I chose it anyway, I guess for the challenge of threading unfamiliar waters.Towards the end, I realized there was not much in store for me unless I went to medical school. Hungry for more challenge, I went for it. Healing, after all was an art in itself that I could learn to master.
There was no road bumpier than the path I had to take in medical school. I learned how to pray- hard. I asked God for enlightenment. With the mortality rate in my school running notoriously high, I am still amazed at how I managed to come out of it alive. It was God’s answer to my questions. He made me survive amidst the adversities that under normal circumstances I wouldn’t surpass, because He had plans for me in the medical area. I dutifully obeyed my calling and vowed to be the kind of doctor that this world needs- compassionate, hard-working and competent, a role which in this part of the world plagued with poverty, is not easy to play.
It seems every time I went for a dream, it eluded me. I wanted a career in dermatology but I was never given the chance to it. After 2 yrs of going after that dream, finally I gave in and settled for a specialty that welcomed me with open arms- Internal Medicine. After 2 months and a week at the department that saw my worth, I decided that it wasn’t just for me. Presently, I am going for Radiology which isn’t very receptive to my interest and doubts my staying power just because I quit Internal Medicine. Add to that the fact that they prefer a male applicant because apparently, female residents spend most of their time taking a maternity leave. My being a spinster (ouch, I hate that word) doesn’t help. Perhaps it would make a difference if I undergo bilateral tubal ligation just to prove that I don’t have intentions of getting married or getting pregnant at any point in my life.
I honestly don’t know where I’m headed anymore. My life is in a limbo. This was not the life that I pictured 10 years ago. I’ve always thought that I would be a driven, career-oriented woman who excelled in her chosen field. Apparently, my chosen field is a preparation to martyrdom which I’m not sure I could handle. I resent the fact that I have invested so much effort into getting to where I am now yet I find myself at a dead end which I don’t know how to escape from. I just wanted a career that I would be happy with, without having to walk through fire all the time. Unfortunately, medicine is anything but that. It seems we take away others’ pains by absorbing them.
My pessimistic self has taken over. I feel sorry for myself for feeling this way and for my readers for spreading an unhealthy air of pessimism. I am undoubtedly, at the lowest point in my life. I am shamed that I may not be able to fulfill my promise to God. At 28, I refuse to succumb to defeat, to declare myself a failure, a person with with broken dreams. With how things are looking, I’m afraid I’m heading towards that direction. Whatever happened to the dreamer in me? When I look at myself in the mirror, all I see is a lost soul with a lost purpose.
4 comments:
Oh, stop this self-pitying dearest. Stop it already.
Life has it's way of messing with people. However, it does this on purpose, to test how you can cope with the other challenges it has up it's sleeves. 28 it still a young age to muddle over these problems. Thinking that "not living your dreams" pushes you deeper and deeper into the chasm of depression.
ad astra per aspera: To the stars by hardship. Through suffering to renown.
For someone with the success, drive, talent, and ambition that you seem to possess, I cannot see why you are having a midlife crisis at 28. :) I can understand being dissatisfied with the lack of fulfillment, of not quite being able to find your place in the world, but maybe you have found your place and you just don't know it yet, or you have not been paying attention to the opportunities.
The things we want to do or want to have, and I mean those things that we desire the most, be it love, jobs, or otherwise, the opportunities that present themselves in order to acquire those things are usually not the most attractive. For instance, if I had really wanted to be a video game designer, I would have to have worked for many years at a very low-paying position, working with all of the fire and resolve I possess, and I might have had a chance. I chose a different path, doing something I'm not exactly keen to do, but it was a lot easier road to take. It is not my passion, but I knew the trade off when I made my decision.
However, that is not to say that you cannot still do what you desire or find what you are looking for. You, instead, will have to do it on your own time. For example, T.S. Elliot was a banker all his life who wrote his novels after he retired. Really, you can play your cards for such things any time you want: some times those times you play the cards are going to call for a lot of hard work, and other times it may be flexible to your schedule.
Realistically, I do not presuppose to know your situation or your pain; my words are only meant to encourage and not marginalize. For a person of your proclaimed abilities, I am more than confident you will come to a positive outcome.
Have a good holiday! (Actually... you probably already did since you're on the other side of the globe...)
-Dok
http://www.xanga.com/DokMatrix/
sigh... when the journey like Med takes so long before realizing our ambition, we tend to get burned-up, doubtful and cynical that sometimes we ask ourselves if this profession is the right one. can relate.
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