UNAFFECTED

Affected? Not me.

I can say the mushiest things in writing. I can strike a chord in people, fill their eyes with tears with what I write to them and for them. I express my appreciation and get emotional through the written art. In person, you don’t see any of that softie in me. You can never squeeze any drop of compassion from me. I am a cold hearted self-absorbed paranoid who cringes at the slightest display of emotions (not necessarily an accurate description, but that’s what people see in me.)

I hate goodbyes. When my friend Elaine was heading for the States, I knew she was still at her home packing things but instead of calling her, I just texted her, “have a safe trip”. I knew if I called her we will both be crying over the phone. I was losing my own “Ate Helen” who was just a phone call away whenever someone broke my heart. When Isobelle was about to leave for Cebu, she dropped by the hospital where I was on duty. That might have been our last time to see each other for the next three years but instead of wishing her well, I just blurted out, “I’ll stay in your place when I visit Cebu”. There went the last person who I could talk to for long hours over the phone, blabbing just about anything. When another friend Edshil and I were finishing our charts at the records room, we realized how we were both trying to put an unaffected front when we said our goodbyes in the most casual way to our residents minutes earlier. Those were not just our residents, those were also our friends who didn’t treat us like a lower form of animal as interns. Teary eyed and all, Edshil and I ended up laughing at ourselves. I cannot show people how much I will be missing them.

I have trouble saying thank you’s openly, most especially when it’s for something really touching. When Sharon and Betty helped me with my last minute clearance signing when I was running late for my flight, I never got to tell them how I appreciated their help. Before the plane took off, I texted them, “thanks”. When Valora and Edshil went out of their way stitching my oversized skirt at Sarah’s wedding, I never mentioned anything about it at that moment. I wrote my gratitude, instead through my friendster testimonials for them.

Saying sorry remains to be one of the hardest things I could say. When I was having mood swings (read: topak) during our community immersion, I never spoke to my groupmates on our way home. When I got to the house, I texted them, “sorry, I was such a brat”. Being the understanding groupmates that they were, they accepted my apology.

When I declared myself heartbroken over some guy not so long ago, not only was I self-loathing, I was saying the corniest lines which I don't normally utter unless I were diabolically-possessed. Eva, a nurse from COMC who's also a dear friend, has this to say, "doc, I feel bad with how you are feeling but you know what, I'm actually glad to know your heart isn't made of stone after all".

There are just words you won’t hear from me. This may explain the bottled up emotions inside me. I could never bring myself to say them out loud. At most, I could only say them through texting or friendster testimonials, or even through this blog, but never out loud. Somewhere when no one is looking, when I no longer have to fight off the tears from falling, I whisper those words I’ve been longing to say when nobody could hear it. Somehow, I will find a way to let them know how I really feel. I hope it won’t be too late before I muster enough courage to say these words up front. Until then, I’m just another arrogant, cold being who cannot be human enough to express her emotions to your face.